Texts From Last Night · JesseEspi's Favorites

JesseEspi's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

Fav 88 15144 3442
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

Fav 11 6044 1653
share tweet

(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

Fav 21 8142 1693
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.

Fav 21 1739 5825
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?

Fav 15 1167 6867
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

Fav 33 13416 2006
share tweet

(541): View more from Oregon

i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.

Fav 35 1542 8519
share tweet

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

Fav 59 8462 1868
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

Fav 18 6639 1704
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

Fav 30 7869 1627
share tweet
(310): View more from California

based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

Fav 31 1754 12445
share tweet

(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

Fav 33 13804 1894
share tweet

(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

Fav 42 15245 2555
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I am midnight drunk by noon

Fav 7 4770 884
share tweet

(845): View more from New York

u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap

Fav 36 5431 1223
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps

Fav 24 1757 8623
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

Fav 65 17353 1778
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

Fav 28 21889 1629
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Fav 131 63485 2871
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

Fav 57 2123 21465
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.

Fav 26 1143 4102
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed

Fav 13 5403 1531
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.

Fav 32 1248 5090
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.

Fav 8 1459 5619
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.

Fav 18 6184 991
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.

Fav 13 5421 1135
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

How come twittering sounds sexual?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Because of Bambi.

Fav 7 1926 989
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

Fav 164 2596 3892
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

(812): View more from Indiana

You're dead to me.

Fav 48 9449 1401
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss

Fav 34 6227 1769
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....

Fav 39 940 6734
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work

Fav 19 1193 4389
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."

Fav 16 1942 5047
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.

Fav 43 1474 5478
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

Fav 54 1873 14044
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.

Fav 51 1024 4887
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.

Fav 45 10808 1047
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

Fav 46 18259 2074
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway

Fav 17 1237 3958
share tweet
(619): View more from California

You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.

Fav 3 4364 820
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.

Fav 5 1110 3388
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.

Fav 78 1763 5537
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

i turned job hunting into a drinking game..

Fav 20 6087 973
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day

Fav 39 5879 962
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from

Fav 69 8023 1311
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

i have a girlfriend

(847): View more from Illinois

if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?

(630): View more from Illinois

no

Fav 40 5886 2108
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?

Fav 33 1156 13551
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.

Fav 25 895 5651
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.

Fav 48 6317 1519
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one

Fav 25 8383 1047
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.

Fav 17 1025 5461
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.

Fav 40 6816 965
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...

Fav 23 1170 5553
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"

(305): View more from Florida

does that mean he doesn't last long?

Fav 10 1111 3920
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?

Fav 38 8244 947
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.

Fav 25 7130 1696
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."

Fav 15 8147 1154
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

She acts like you when your on meds

(510): View more from California

She acts like batman?

Fav 17 6768 1169
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.

Fav 55 1079 6875
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face

(1-334): View more from Alabama

so you're single again?

(334): View more from Alabama

yea but it was worth it

Fav 46 5378 1430
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling

Fav 21 1252 6393
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

What happened to the watermelon?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

You fucked it.

Fav 15 2517 4876
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.

Fav 11 1259 4286
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

Fav 52 38161 2301
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.

Fav 15 6909 863
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything

Fav 20 4221 2232
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

Fav 36 13006 1292
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

Fav 20 7592 1029
share tweet
(909): View more from California

i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.

Fav 17 3342 5027
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"

Fav 39 8163 976
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me

Fav 29 5295 2165
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Sorry I couldn't get my dick out

Fav 22 1156 6636
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day

Fav 42 4127 6970
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks

Fav 64 1741 6808
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.

Fav 40 5341 1370
share tweet
(925): View more from California

He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball

Fav 43 1047 5045
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC

(831): View more from California

Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

Fav 43 10477 1195
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

Fav 27 9415 1281
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

Fav 73 7888 1173
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

(773): View more from Illinois

You spelled "worthless" wrong.

Fav 67 1952 9158
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.

Fav 48 7992 1460
share tweet
(818): View more from California

dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks

(626): View more from California

well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person

Fav 13 7136 1486
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.

Fav 7 4740 962
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago

(404): View more from Georgia

so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?

Fav 30 9092 1447
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.

Fav 27 2196 5986
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.

Fav 20 1913 6048
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

Fav 60 37315 1623
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."

Fav 26 1233 6189
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I learned to sign I want to be on you today

(1-309): View more from Illinois

Score

(309): View more from Illinois

Deaf chicks here I come

Fav 35 5833 946
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.

Fav 7 3965 1012
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair

(573): View more from Missouri

Found more tequila

Fav 9 4894 847
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels

Fav 58 1184 8545
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

didn't stop?

(773): View more from Illinois

naw, they were rude, not me.

Fav 32 12197 1222
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?

Fav 17 4382 1035
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.

Fav 15 4073 909
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.

Fav 38 7108 2199
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm in love with you.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

huh?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.

Fav 14 3503 1064
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

Fav 207 53707 3598
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

Fav 43 10097 1428
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

Fav 109 13838 2390
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.

Fav 19 4704 1025
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

Fav 236 67224 3281
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up

Fav 64 911 3863
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross

(860): View more from Connecticut

its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary

(716): View more from New York

i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal

Fav 70 3268 1053
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

Fav 70 19901 1629
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets

Fav 33 7905 1035
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

Fav 47 19506 1274
share tweet
(408): View more from California

When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

Fav 26 9445 1145
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I think I have a pornographic memory.

(954): View more from Florida

Don't you mean photographic?

(407): View more from Florida

No.

Fav 15 6237 1016
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

Fav 34 13462 1377
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.

Fav 68 9284 1071
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

Fav 38 9129 1252
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.

Fav 83 9877 1440
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

Fav 44 17870 1594
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on

Fav 10 1329 4123
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

Fav 116 67824 4682
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

Fav 44 8981 1374
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

(615): View more from Tennessee

She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

Fav 89 8203 1838
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.

Fav 42 9098 1034
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

Fav 36 23834 1643
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

therell be strippers and coke right?

(703): View more from Virginia

no strippers. just coke.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

i hate this fuckin recession

Fav 22 11335 3047
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

Fav 42 15402 1781
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.

Fav 13 2659 1060
share tweet
(310): View more from California

she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.

(1-310): View more from California

ewwww. she might as well have a dick.

Fav 28 867 1577
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

Fav 57 14522 5761
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is

Fav 21 4774 1346
share tweet
(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

Fav 46 11244 3207
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

Fav 87 11980 2455
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it

Fav 65 5516 2262
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

Fav 118 46238 4277
share tweet
(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

Fav 122 5056 36757
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115816 11194
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

Fav 105 13625 2012
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

Fav 36 22407 3677
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.

Fav 92 1689 24872
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...

(623): View more from Arizona

What did she do!?

(602): View more from Arizona

I didn't tell her...

Fav 218 5738 25277
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...

(1-214): View more from Texas

Mike i'm at church right now...

Fav 17 4676 1355
share tweet
(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

Fav 132 9134 24694
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I just know... :) goodntight

(1-281): View more from Texas

Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.

Fav 17 3737 1007
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Fav 156 7726 42051
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

Fav 22 29933 1589
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

Fav 49 18400 2230
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Fav 104 9037 1645
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on

Fav 54 10460 1232
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.

Fav 9 4045 848
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

new low.... made out with someone while peeing

Fav 12 1412 4350
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.

Fav 109 2676 4204
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes

Fav 11 3959 969
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.

Fav 11 4930 1274
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors

(1-905): View more from Toronto

american apparel?

(905): View more from Toronto

try lime green

Fav 54 4572 1012
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking

(1-503): View more from Oregon

I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning

Fav 14 5109 1103
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..

Fav 39 8585 1135
share tweet
(619): View more from California

i wish my penis had a tongue

Fav 30 4436 1079
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha how do you remember that?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

HOW COULD I FORGET?!

Fav 39 5922 1178
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.

Fav 50 1293 4663
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers

Fav 11 1009 4446
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?

(1-810): View more from Michigan

i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?

Fav 17 3410 1023
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.

Fav 46 4820 1486
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.

Fav 39 910 4687
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack

Fav 28 1208 4645
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'

Fav 14 5280 1277
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.

Fav 26 4639 1135
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Marry him

Fav 39 9691 1329
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.

Fav 31 966 5107
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck

Fav 28 6199 1319
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

Fav 26 7054 1553
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

Fav 145 41234 2022
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.

Fav 27 6829 978
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

Fav 33 26026 1774
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.

Fav 54 2379 7912
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Five things that make you perfect. Go.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

Fav 26 6848 1423
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

Fav 46 7421 1299
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

Fav 93 28821 1491
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.

Fav 33 7147 1123
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

It was like doing yoga with his dick in me

Fav 107 9962 1131
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time

Fav 40 7080 1989
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

We took shots in honor of Shark Week.

Fav 19 7938 858
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?

Fav 31 7943 928
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146087 10743
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?

Fav 89 1261 12811
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen

Fav 44 8414 1407
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.

Fav 60 8719 2066
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I know she was great

Fav 26 7292 1794
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

(716): View more from New York

you're writing country songs now?

Fav 32 2215 7005
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

Fav 51 11193 2032
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children

(1-802): View more from Vermont

actually, i try not to think about it

(802): View more from Vermont

and i pooped them out

Fav 54 8387 2191
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.

Fav 15 6899 906
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius

Fav 32 13236 1221
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

Fav 28 8298 1277
share tweet