Texts From Last Night · Kittin's Favorites

Sorry sgfay14 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

Kittin's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening

Fav 4 1601 758
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental

Fav 5 2118 1235
share tweet

(316): View more from Kansas

There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.

Fav 4 3915 821
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it

Fav 7 1106 1522
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.

Fav 5 1871 799
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.

Fav 30 4869 1040
share tweet

(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

Fav 38 12655 1612
share tweet

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.

Fav 6 2024 1016
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.

Fav 30 5233 1396
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.

Fav 11 3281 968
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog

Fav 23 5330 1216
share tweet

(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

Fav 10 6266 1320
share tweet

(785): View more from Kansas

They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.

Fav 6 2571 873
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

Fav 23 6540 1354
share tweet

(317): View more from Indiana

Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

Fav 23 5130 1211
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator

Fav 18 2900 1855
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.

Fav 17 3787 1340
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

Fav 4 3470 1146
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.

Fav 6 2921 753
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.

Fav 12 4126 1132
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

Fav 25 16039 1837
share tweet
(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

Fav 9 5908 1378
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

Fav 8 3760 1152
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

Fav 5 4396 1006
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.

Fav 6 1453 834
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.

Fav 24 3872 1191
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.

Fav 17 7213 1884
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76383 3435
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step

Fav 24 3685 832
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*

(310): View more from California

Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.

Fav 12 3224 1111
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"

Fav 6 1634 3021
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets

Fav 7 2111 910
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

Fav 6 3181 1794
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.

Fav 9 3352 961
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.

Fav 13 4544 1693
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?

Fav 5 2336 1124
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

Fav 10 6680 1483
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?

Fav 14 3484 1341
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs

Fav 5 2529 1025
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.

Fav 8 2612 1216
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.

Fav 5 2926 1038
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

Fav 12 5387 1236
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?

Fav 4 2530 1121
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.

Fav 4 2967 1190
share tweet
(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

Fav 7 4818 1360
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

Fav 7 6287 1807
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it

Fav 42 5448 1601
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.

Fav 16 6094 1768
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...

Fav 18 1972 4861
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.

Fav 27 9142 1320
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

Fav 39 16949 1860
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.

Fav 18 4779 2543
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.

Fav 4 3590 1105
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up

Fav 23 3984 1740
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...

Fav 10 1994 4495
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.

Fav 7 4078 1579
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

Fav 17 9492 1645
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.

Fav 13 4448 1122
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".

Fav 5 2743 1275
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.

Fav 16 3208 1871
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.

Fav 7 2845 1158
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

Fav 27 1617 5666
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.

Fav 6 3597 1275
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.

Fav 4 2148 1645
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times

Fav 7 3261 1441
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

Fav 19 6206 1572
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

Fav 31 7812 1632
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

how do you feel about lunch break shots ?

Fav 8 3428 1210
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.

Fav 6 3343 1220
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.

Fav 8 4436 1290
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.

Fav 3 2938 1239
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.

Fav 9 1685 2712
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

Fav 13 6771 1621
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

Fav 4 5523 1504
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?

Fav 6 3666 1323
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.

Fav 5 3946 1264
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

Fav 9 5590 1265
share tweet
(925): View more from California

This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

Fav 16 3761 1230
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"

Fav 12 4194 1232
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.

Fav 9 2373 1261
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.

Fav 9 4514 1419
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

Fav 160 13870 2198
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"

Fav 16 5897 1246
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.

Fav 11 6917 1269
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.

Fav 9 5523 1241
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8567 49748
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"

Fav 27 4636 1159
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.

Fav 36 1382 7610
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

Fav 14 6015 1424
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted

Fav 7 4414 954
share tweet
(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

Fav 132 9138 24697
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me

Fav 5 2347 1038
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

Fav 10 6582 1757
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.

Fav 16 1131 3005
share tweet
(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

Fav 17 9869 1516
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.

Fav 6 3982 1342
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip

Fav 11 1943 5063
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"

Fav 5 2475 1232
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant

Fav 19 1462 3182
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.

Fav 6 1411 2750
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.

Fav 8 5058 1811
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.

Fav 8 4445 936
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.

Fav 8 5325 1660
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.

Fav 31 4444 1203
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day

(617): View more from Massachusetts

but fathers day is next sunday

(781): View more from Massachusetts

i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet

Fav 14 1180 4606
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

Fav 26 8182 1548
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

:)

(443): View more from Maryland

Wipe that smile off your face.

Fav 28 6529 1166
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

Fav 38 9131 1253
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....

Fav 10 4117 1327
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

Fav 15 8248 1440
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.

Fav 6 5764 1182
share tweet
(619): View more from California

She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?

Fav 22 937 5127
share tweet
(818): View more from California

my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

Fav 30 6316 1308
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth

Fav 10 1744 1245
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.

Fav 8 4657 2180
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.

Fav 4 2773 1100
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.

Fav 13 2563 1273
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.

Fav 5 2871 1062
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.

Fav 6 1169 2246
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood

Fav 5 3181 1265
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here

Fav 3 3296 866
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better

Fav 15 3813 819
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

We took shots in honor of Shark Week.

Fav 19 7940 858
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

Fav 13 9089 1342
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags

Fav 24 1977 4355
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.

(702): View more from Nevada

Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??

Fav 10 2601 1098
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

Fav 11 6367 1409
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.

Fav 19 4175 1886
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting

Fav 5 4280 1397
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me

Fav 13 4712 2021
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent

Fav 14 7017 2155
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her

Fav 21 5228 1285
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.

Fav 11 974 2318
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You suck.

Fav 41 1118 3669
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.

Fav 2 1550 769
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk

Fav 18 1319 4969
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

Fav 9 5966 1504
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.

Fav 7 3839 1528
share tweet
(619): View more from California

We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants

Fav 15 8060 1056
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.

Fav 5 3550 1270
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.

Fav 10 3672 1148
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"

Fav 25 1333 5811
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.

Fav 21 6564 1023
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.

Fav 4 1312 2732
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"

Fav 64 5671 1447
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

Fav 12 5520 1785
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

Fav 44 5435 9847
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.

Fav 36 1238 5696
share tweet
(916): View more from California

So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.

Fav 9 3983 1286
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

Fav 23 12076 1399
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..

Fav 18 1924 4510
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy

Fav 41 4854 1594
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART

(601): View more from Mississippi

Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.

Fav 49 5833 1128
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

pedialite and red bull = repair kit

Fav 22 3600 979
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.

Fav 38 7495 937
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.

Fav 8 3212 1033
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.

Fav 9 3698 1575
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement

Fav 6 833 3734
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.

Fav 26 7119 1686
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.

Fav 23 5373 989
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

Fav 87 16564 3471
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...

Fav 5 2733 1567
share tweet
(650): View more from California

dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning

(805): View more from California

1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.

Fav 31 5058 1141
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

Fav 16 6782 1405
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

Fav 39 9660 1645
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.

Fav 62 1920 3228
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

Fav 19 11275 1632
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

Fav 18 8073 1462
share tweet
(805): View more from California

My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes

Fav 12 5143 1331
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

Fav 29 8231 1683
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"

Fav 5 3200 1391
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.

Fav 5 3740 1440
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought

Fav 33 1560 2431
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog

Fav 4 3659 1268
share tweet
(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

Fav 11 6998 1569
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.

Fav 13 1753 4710
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course

Fav 62 2491 1382
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't

Fav 7 2632 1167
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!

Fav 4 3170 1337
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast

Fav 15 2162 4652
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

Fav 10 6715 1255
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.

Fav 3 4127 1144
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.

Fav 8 4689 1243
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

Fav 8 5842 2296
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?

Fav 37 5107 1163
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?

Fav 7 3304 999
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.

Fav 3 1156 2315
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now

Fav 2 2164 1249
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here

Fav 17 4303 1112
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.

Fav 16 1387 3069
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes

Fav 17 1223 5616
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings

Fav 2 1847 2950
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?

Fav 6 5588 1644
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?

Fav 12 3964 1366
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea

Fav 16 1028 6048
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.

Fav 31 1047 2676
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.

Fav 12 4581 1955
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

making cat noises will not fix the situation.

Fav 6 3574 1360
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.

Fav 18 4733 1104
share tweet
(209): View more from California

Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas

Fav 11 3447 1059
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference

Fav 33 6982 1580
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us

Fav 2 2610 1391
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.

Fav 14 1094 2622
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.

Fav 32 1611 5543
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

Fav 50 20776 2684
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.

Fav 11 4685 866
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?

Fav 5 1314 1406
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.

Fav 8 1314 5513
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?

Fav 7 1602 785
share tweet