Texts From Last Night · RhinoRex7's Favorites

Sorry iWerdna hasn't picked any favorites yet.

RhinoRex7's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(314): View more from Missouri

When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.

Fav 5 1147 617
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested

(612): View more from Minnesota

Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us

Fav 7 1747 683
share tweet

(559): View more from California

Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"

(707): View more from California

Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.

Fav 6 1806 662
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Did you win?

Fav 10 2740 717
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

My inner pteradactyl is also confused.

Fav 3 999 518
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.

Fav 5 915 513
share tweet

(606): View more from Kentucky

When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.

Fav 3 1118 633
share tweet

(541): View more from Oregon

Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

I was just power-washing my vagina.

Fav 8 1663 595
share tweet
(619): View more from California

yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances

Fav 2 826 659
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.

Fav 1 1675 605
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.

Fav 3 903 563
share tweet

(561): View more from Florida

Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.

Fav 4 1060 524
share tweet

(314): View more from Missouri

He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?

Fav 5 1065 552
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna come over? I have movies.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

sure, what movies

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

porn or disney, your choice

Fav 4 1456 516
share tweet

(225): View more from Louisiana

Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.

Fav 3 933 558
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference

Fav 4 2486 851
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy

(313): View more from Michigan

Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle

Fav 5 1377 647
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool

Fav 3 1400 499
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.

Fav 3 1324 615
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"

Fav 2 866 541
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change

(303): View more from Colorado

well did he get it

(602): View more from Arizona

....yes

Fav 0 990 535
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.

Fav 2 931 529
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"

Fav 4 1070 489
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.

Fav 4 1349 545
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.

Fav 5 1538 655
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.

Fav 30 1011 744
share tweet
(969): View more from

You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?

Fav 2 1223 511
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police

Fav 5 1598 602
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.

Fav 3 1087 655
share tweet
(510): View more from California

A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out

Fav 5 1993 711
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics

Fav 5 909 604
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...

(860): View more from Connecticut

the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you

Fav 10 2425 868
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards

Fav 4 1904 652
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?

Fav 3 1008 580
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.

Fav 8 1335 821
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.

Fav 3 2320 1167
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?

Fav 4 1530 617
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.

Fav 2 859 507
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.

Fav 8 5481 1196
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.

Fav 7 1219 623
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.

Fav 10 3444 1173
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.

Fav 8 599 898
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

Fav 11 4619 1222
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love

Fav 17 7036 1309
share tweet
(714): View more from California

She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick

(1-714): View more from California

Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!

Fav 3 1862 710
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.

Fav 7 1593 605
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?

Fav 13 1512 806
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face

Fav 5 698 1175
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!

Fav 5 1014 588
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.

Fav 13 914 1198
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5

Fav 8 976 1071
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.

Fav 3 959 558
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing

Fav 4 642 910
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that

Fav 2 561 760
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.

Fav 3 1454 538
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?

Fav 4 737 928
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.

Fav 10 2234 1626
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(

Fav 3 617 459
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex

Fav 7 1170 641
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.

Fav 4 928 536
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club

Fav 5 976 483
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".

Fav 6 1552 2341
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

Fav 28 5164 1884
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Happy Birhtday!

(289): View more from Ontario

Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home

Fav 4 2207 729
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented

Fav 7 575 792
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

On my way

Fav 5 1407 603
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship

Fav 6 1891 642
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...

Fav 12 1598 593
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

Fav 17 9492 1645
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.

Fav 4 1353 709
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.

Fav 5 1585 758
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period

Fav 8 2571 822
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.

Fav 8 738 1587
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

The apocalypse has arrived.

Fav 1 855 620
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.

Fav 6 1610 794
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.

Fav 6 2064 753
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.

(605): View more from South Dakota

When was that?

(515): View more from Iowa

Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.

Fav 9 999 1401
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"

Fav 9 1429 620
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.

Fav 3 1374 693
share tweet
(551): View more from New Jersey

I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!

Fav 5 1135 576
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.

Fav 2 1007 570
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?

(561): View more from Florida

Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.

Fav 4 1149 523
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

Fav 27 2307 5539
share tweet
(858): View more from California

threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter

Fav 13 4802 1164
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.

Fav 14 2276 917
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.

Fav 4 1576 862
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer

Fav 19 4051 1186
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

Fav 55 22260 1884
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.

Fav 5 795 1399
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.

Fav 7 1551 853
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.

Fav 2 1290 731
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.

Fav 7 1390 879
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

Fav 32 10091 2437
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

Fav 10 3654 1049
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can

Fav 17 1763 1197
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.

Fav 5 2423 1006
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

Fav 11 3696 1029
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.

Fav 3 2348 981
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.

Fav 10 911 1482
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

Fav 25 7657 1491
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?

Fav 4 1128 815
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch

Fav 3 1031 1128
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life

Fav 13 4022 1462
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.

Fav 6 4547 1770
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

Fav 14 5149 1075
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles

Fav 3 2463 882
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.

Fav 9 2898 828
share tweet
(805): View more from California

There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it

Fav 6 1478 802
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.

Fav 7 1775 744
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.

Fav 7 3337 1009
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.

Fav 9 2617 802
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now

Fav 8 2250 951
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

Fav 20 6556 1277
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.

Fav 9 2023 877
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

Fav 33 11429 1595
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?

Fav 7 1392 847
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.

(1-443): View more from Maryland

That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.

Fav 18 1390 3115
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.

Fav 16 2939 1043
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.

Fav 3 2069 773
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera

Fav 4 1361 770
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.

Fav 7 1825 762
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.

Fav 15 2232 1146
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Fav 3 1499 717
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

Fav 12 8354 1384
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.

Fav 8 3459 1124
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was

Fav 13 3670 1133
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.

Fav 6 1066 627
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic

Fav 13 1747 808
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

no. you cant fuck a burger.

Fav 9 2891 1315
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something

Fav 7 920 1448
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?

(1-623): View more from Arizona

You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.

Fav 10 1196 1891
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.

Fav 9 950 2776
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.

Fav 8 721 1463
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.

Fav 17 1457 3780
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV

Fav 3 821 1817
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35244 2059
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.

Fav 16 2465 1070
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.

Fav 41 9812 1751
share tweet
(310): View more from California

So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

Fav 50 9465 1648
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.

Fav 10 3082 1142
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated

Fav 8 2710 1161
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Why Weren't you wearing pants?

(647): View more from Ontario

because pants are for people with no imagination

Fav 6 2761 912
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.

Fav 24 7086 1892
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.

Fav 19 2640 798
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing

Fav 2 3455 1305
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.

Fav 4 1274 784
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.

Fav 3 2409 811
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?

Fav 15 2358 736
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.

Fav 10 2710 1053
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?

Fav 4 1804 796
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

Too much penis in there.

Fav 8 2072 1039
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"

Fav 15 7692 1216
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.

Fav 10 1402 715
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.

Fav 5 1382 810
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.

Fav 8 2254 1308
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

Fav 22 15631 1743
share tweet
(626): View more from California

I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.

Fav 10 2328 858
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja

Fav 9 1793 901
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.

Fav 12 3220 898
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

(585): View more from New York

Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

(716): View more from New York

.......

(585): View more from New York

I'm just looking out for you.

Fav 16 2822 1127
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.

Fav 9 1918 771
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

Fav 9 2831 1054
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

Fav 10 8737 1328
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

Fav 25 7206 2122
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

Fav 30 11284 1695
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.

(415): View more from California

Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.

Fav 10 4045 919
share tweet
(831): View more from California

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

Fav 26 5333 1048
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon

Fav 10 3429 918
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

Fav 6 3548 948
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.

(614): View more from Ohio

I was always good at matching as a child.

Fav 6 4000 935
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.

Fav 13 2247 1355
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis

Fav 14 4096 1008
share tweet
(530): View more from California

That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.

Fav 20 2692 1167
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"

Fav 12 2849 1294
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.

Fav 11 2765 1244
share tweet
(916): View more from California

She said she liked strap-ons.

(1-916): View more from California

SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!

Fav 14 3306 986
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.

Fav 3 3533 951
share tweet
(450): View more from Quebec

She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...

Fav 10 3825 1000
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.

Fav 4 1854 828
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success

Fav 6 1993 942
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"

Fav 19 4028 1098
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language

Fav 4 2032 927
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really

Fav 4 2038 936
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.

Fav 7 2443 754
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water

Fav 5 1824 945
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

Fav 30 1560 4296
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

Fav 69 28900 3781
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

Fav 25 24634 1593
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...

Fav 23 6218 1002
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?

(518): View more from New York

Its called bad cop laid cop.

Fav 9 4239 1023
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.

Fav 10 1677 965
share tweet
(418): View more from Quebec

I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate

Fav 5 1968 924
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.

Fav 2 1294 787
share tweet
(424): View more from California

You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.

(1-424): View more from California

The hell is wrong with me

Fav 4 1505 1009
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.

Fav 9 913 1602
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

(972): View more from Texas

Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

Fav 23 3016 1043
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.

Fav 27 4347 1104
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

Fav 25 12431 1329
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge

Fav 15 3224 967
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?

Fav 8 2864 795
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.

Fav 3 1391 966
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.

Fav 16 3275 1148
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.

Fav 6 3385 970
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus

Fav 13 1756 1656
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

Fav 17 4870 1162
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..

Fav 91 5241 1163
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself

Fav 6 2130 1042
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

Fav 25 8402 1338
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!

(317): View more from Indiana

Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?

(630): View more from Illinois

Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos

Fav 20 2924 1133
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic

Fav 94 9261 2430
share tweet
(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

Fav 16 5844 1048
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): View more from Georgia

Things like this can't be explained over text man

Fav 22 4797 1585
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.

Fav 19 8241 1332
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

Fav 17 3210 1028
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter

(323): View more from California

yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake

Fav 13 1178 1642
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.

(612): View more from Minnesota

only room for one pussy in that bed.

Fav 9 1169 2719
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

Fav 9 3507 1163
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset

Fav 6 3476 1533
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.

Fav 5 2465 828
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.

Fav 23 1114 3506
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

Fav 11 8060 1429
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

(425): View more from Washington

Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

Fav 7 6154 1422
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

what about money

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

no - he has a code he lives by

Fav 11 2827 1001
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

Fav 20 4343 1444
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.

Fav 13 3012 1013
share tweet
(310): View more from California

If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.

Fav 12 1402 710
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.

Fav 59 7446 1866
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?

Fav 10 1934 844
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I love you more with every blowjob.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

You should write for Hallmark.

Fav 8 3473 971
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over

Fav 2 2642 896
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.

Fav 4 1905 989
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

Fav 18 4166 1124
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?

Fav 26 1157 2773
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream

Fav 13 2895 894
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

Fav 45 9499 1514
share tweet
(276): View more from Virginia

I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....

Fav 14 1776 806
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.

(940): View more from Texas

Deal.

Fav 14 3304 1039
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar

Fav 10 3391 1116
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?

Fav 22 4078 928
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.

(708): View more from Illinois

Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.

Fav 9 2056 1076
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"

Fav 5 2701 817
share tweet
(567): View more from Ohio

i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand

Fav 4 2380 962
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity

Fav 5 1509 813
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..

Fav 12 3425 1003
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

Fav 19 4395 1529
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

Fav 16 7729 1240
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.

Fav 49 6622 1993
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

honey bunches of taint.

Fav 11 1380 3032
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play

Fav 10 1894 962
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.

Fav 9 2043 1209
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.

Fav 5 3218 923
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.

Fav 24 5512 1141
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!

Fav 18 1754 2983
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth

Fav 20 7968 1443
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!

Fav 72 6965 1432
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.

Fav 19 5171 1194
share tweet
(61): View more from Australia

who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class

Fav 6 4794 1084
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

Fav 15 5756 953
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

Fav 22 7778 2115
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well

Fav 2 2072 1140
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..

Fav 19 5652 2074
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I cant shower it involves moving...

(219): View more from Indiana

Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.

Fav 8 2695 916
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.

Fav 19 2411 966
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

Fav 11 3593 981
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.

Fav 10 1704 1082
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

Fav 26 4379 1271
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

Fav 9 3316 1419
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones

Fav 16 1520 4703
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."

Fav 10 2260 969
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

Fav 18 4547 1171
share tweet
(310): View more from California

She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

Fav 13 5519 1063
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75101 3013
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff

Fav 12 3945 919
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here

(1-208): View more from Idaho

what the hell does that mean?

(208): View more from Idaho

nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages

Fav 26 2998 4402
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

Fav 34 11078 1845
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.

Fav 42 10482 1260
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

Fav 10 5441 2175
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.

(314): View more from Missouri

Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.

Fav 30 5017 971
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

(253): View more from Washington

you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

Fav 3 2952 1441
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.

Fav 13 4204 1198
share tweet
(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

Fav 7 4818 1360
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You're just horny.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.

Fav 6 3138 977
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"

Fav 9 1743 4214
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?

Fav 9 2986 947
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

(256): View more from Alabama

Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

Fav 54 5475 1219
share tweet
(323): View more from California

may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.

(818): View more from California

First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.

Fav 41 8112 1094
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

Fav 70 10808 1667
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

Fav 14 4701 1183
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Where are you?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Strip Club

Fav 15 3379 1110
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."

(1-480): View more from Arizona

SHUT IT DOWN.

Fav 58 962 5838
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Anal.

Fav 23 3733 1197
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer

Fav 4 1093 2851
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim

Fav 18 2150 973
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"

Fav 40 2156 4204
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Someone's got a whale tail

(1-314): View more from Missouri

A thong is hangin out?

(314): View more from Missouri

No, a fatty following them

Fav 8 1410 1607
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.

(706): View more from Georgia

Try anal, it works wonders.

Fav 21 1172 2892
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.

Fav 17 1441 4656
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club

(301): View more from Maryland

Dude it was a lap dance

Fav 15 1791 723
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

Fav 24 10368 2497
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

You should dream of me :)

(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm going to dream of single life.

Fav 24 1177 3060
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

Fav 22 4455 2179
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

Fav 11 8308 1474
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.

Fav 7 4509 1911
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct

(973): View more from New Jersey

that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand

(201): View more from New Jersey

she's a dina-saur

Fav 32 5755 1328
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

Fav 12 2978 1397
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.

Fav 19 2190 5872
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.

Fav 6 787 2509
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.

Fav 6 3927 1135
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.

Fav 28 4069 1040
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

Fav 13 2793 1357
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

How was the rest of your night?

(917): View more from New York City

A little fuzzy and a lot naked.

Fav 7 2623 875
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

Fav 12 2949 941
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You slow clapped the stripper last night.

Fav 4 3343 981
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

Fav 30 7405 1218
share tweet
(279): View more from

Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?

(574): View more from Indiana

You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you

Fav 14 4901 1529
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

Fav 26 5924 1333
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

Fav 140 40100 2219
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63942 5492
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59124 5681
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82806 5243
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146111 10759
share tweet