Texts From Last Night · Rocketman9191's Favorites

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(765): View more from Indiana

I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance

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(952): View more from Minnesota

WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I put xanax in the cake batter

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

Did you really? It all makes sense now.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me

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(678): View more from Georgia

So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW

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(310): View more from California

Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.

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(716): View more from New York

definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again

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(702): View more from Nevada

You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex

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(954): View more from Florida

I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in

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(248): View more from Michigan

The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks

(248): View more from Michigan

Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down

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(61): View more from Australia

Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla

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(319): View more from Iowa

GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET

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(716): View more from New York

Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.

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(703): View more from Virginia

so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)

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(512): View more from Texas

gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?

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(214): View more from Texas

So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket

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(813): View more from Florida

So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.

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(602): View more from Arizona

It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why

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(513): View more from Ohio

Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.

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(518): View more from New York

There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR

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(559): View more from California

Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.

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(515): View more from Iowa

i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?

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(210): View more from Texas

You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.

(662): View more from Mississippi

That's a beautiful sentiment.

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(425): View more from Washington

Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.

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(323): View more from California

We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.

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(360): View more from Washington

Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants

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(407): View more from Florida

You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.

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(302): View more from Delaware

so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?

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(305): View more from Florida

Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.

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(916): View more from California

Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole

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(212): View more from New York

Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?

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(540): View more from Virginia

I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?

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(971): View more from Oregon

you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(804): View more from Virginia

She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to

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