Texts From Last Night · _ROSEY

Sorry tylenn hasn't picked any favorites yet.

_ROSEY_'s Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(712): View more from Iowa

When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot

Fav 2 1937 635
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god

(1-516): View more from New York

You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!

Fav 4 1068 574
share tweet

(218): View more from Minnesota

So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.

Fav 5 676 982
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.

Fav 2 663 1146
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.

Fav 7 689 858
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"

Fav 5 1417 690
share tweet

(785): View more from Kansas

i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up

Fav 6 1090 602
share tweet

(786): View more from Florida

Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.

(1-786): View more from Florida

Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?

(786): View more from Florida

I insist.

Fav 2 1438 684
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.

Fav 8 842 504
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.

Fav 5 1494 616
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?

Fav 5 877 595
share tweet

(+64): View more from New Zealand

the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life

Fav 2 1379 552
share tweet

(258): View more from

I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state

Fav 0 808 505
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.

Fav 7 1726 678
share tweet

(859): View more from Kentucky

Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?

Fav 5 1523 633
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.

Fav 7 1655 617
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.

Fav 5 1486 902
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.

Fav 4 1917 767
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell

Fav 10 2321 1214
share tweet
(298): View more from

The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.

(208): View more from Idaho

You're the only meteorologist I listen to.

Fav 3 2366 751
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be there in a few.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'M COUNTING TO FEW.

Fav 5 1364 708
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

Fav 12 3502 1001
share tweet
(310): View more from California

What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.

Fav 5 2604 854
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.

Fav 11 798 1218
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.

Fav 7 1356 779
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.

Fav 4 1683 656
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text

Fav 2 1825 673
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.

Fav 13 2035 1017
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.

Fav 4 1941 716
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me

(815): View more from Illinois

I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs

Fav 2 2313 782
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with

Fav 5 2337 736
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

Fav 4 2956 819
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"

Fav 8 3267 832
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car

Fav 6 1390 822
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.

Fav 3 1422 617
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!

Fav 3 1482 712
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.

Fav 9 1109 596
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.

Fav 7 2149 747
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"

Fav 6 1186 662
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?

Fav 4 1403 700
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.

Fav 4 2375 810
share tweet
(310): View more from California

The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.

Fav 8 676 1234
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull

Fav 2 893 1355
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget

Fav 10 771 1244
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.

Fav 8 1114 657
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

Fav 6 2242 975
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me

Fav 11 2477 824
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I need to hump something and I know u understand.

Fav 3 1423 759
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend

Fav 1 1079 713
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.

Fav 5 795 1397
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.

Fav 0 1197 750
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

Fav 12 4169 1087
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.

Fav 3 1749 818
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid

(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak

Fav 6 1251 714
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar

Fav 8 1651 867
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

Fav 65 14164 1186
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

Fav 63 17503 1634
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.

Fav 4 1761 760
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.

Fav 9 1108 840
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Yep. How's your hangover?

(1-916): View more from California

It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.

Fav 8 1956 1019
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day

Fav 5 2466 978
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.

Fav 7 1819 772
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed

Fav 3 1241 789
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

Fav 10 4393 1063
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka

Fav 9 1959 1043
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.

Fav 8 829 1430
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

Fav 24 4669 1053
share tweet
(002): View more from

There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink

Fav 8 2061 727
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.

Fav 12 1003 1423
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend

Fav 13 1380 781
share tweet
(714): View more from California

She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.

Fav 13 3756 1251
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.

Fav 11 1135 2101
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.

Fav 8 1375 756
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.

Fav 8 1221 890
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

Fav 6 3547 947
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.

Fav 4 2239 873
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

Fav 7 2600 988
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.

Fav 3 1219 1166
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?

Fav 22 3437 1200
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".

Fav 7 1369 848
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

Fav 39 13298 1706
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

Fav 47 14631 1492
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61943 8172
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!

Fav 6 2567 1417
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.

Fav 12 1284 2200
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"

Fav 12 2988 1453
share tweet
(925): View more from California

She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set

Fav 6 915 2087
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

Fav 5 5013 1044
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.

Fav 7 2306 1173
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.

Fav 15 3411 878
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.

Fav 11 1600 1217
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?

Fav 24 1811 698
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

Fav 12 6940 1202
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.

Fav 4 2555 1001
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

Fav 8 2724 1002
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G

Fav 5 2086 885
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.

Fav 2 1123 689
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.

Fav 3 2319 1166
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)

Fav 3 1900 779
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.

Fav 7 2161 936
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't they always?

Fav 1 1914 1043
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

Fav 10 3934 1054
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

...the American dream.

Fav 15 3519 1093
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."

Fav 3 1804 802
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek

Fav 5 1208 1507
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged

Fav 4 1882 1418
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.

Fav 1 2323 985
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.

Fav 5 2841 920
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.

Fav 4 2137 975
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

Fav 12 4141 1170
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.

Fav 7 2037 1110
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

We were fucking at break-dick speeds.

Fav 15 2184 936
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.

Fav 11 974 2107
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

Fav 26 4375 1271
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back

Fav 7 3106 1184
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

Fav 7 4900 1153
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf

Fav 26 1083 5656
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST

Fav 5 1941 891
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.

Fav 13 2186 1035
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

sick fucks of a feather flock together

Fav 9 2479 1091
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.

Fav 17 1179 1904
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.

Fav 7 1059 2523
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?

Fav 12 2678 2147
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.

Fav 7 2734 960
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org

(516): View more from New York

.org?

(631): View more from New York

yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.

Fav 8 3280 1041
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

What are you doing and how can I add sex in there

Fav 5 3354 964
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.

(1-760): View more from California

Party city is having a sale on maracas

Fav 5 2600 876
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I think I sprained my soul last night

Fav 11 2762 1229
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.

Fav 21 3654 1319
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.

Fav 12 3867 1579
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.

Fav 6 1591 1437
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.

Fav 3 1682 879
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed

Fav 17 6145 929
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.

Fav 31 3307 1190
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

Fav 56 14264 1988
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

Fav 44 18808 1584
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

Fav 36 22410 3678
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63940 5490
share tweet
(695): View more from

it was like a congratulatory penis slap

Fav 17 1505 975
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.

Fav 19 3641 916
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.

Fav 16 1157 2168
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.

Fav 22 1766 4238
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.

Fav 8 2099 799
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"

Fav 7 2723 887
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

Fav 14 2823 1093
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

peace be with you.

Fav 3 2439 799
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.

Fav 7 961 2437
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.

Fav 7 2755 893
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way

Fav 9 3212 964
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

my head hurts. i need an adult

(225): View more from Louisiana

and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult

Fav 4 2245 908
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.

Fav 9 2709 1103
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery

Fav 8 1726 882
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.

Fav 10 1033 1782
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.

Fav 13 2713 1057
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.

Fav 9 1519 841
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

Fav 12 4399 1213
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Fav 3 3667 942
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

Fav 15 3374 1484
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.

Fav 5 1720 947
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.

Fav 16 3221 1281
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.

Fav 11 2601 1845
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag

Fav 7 2932 1042
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

Fav 6 4259 1091
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly

Fav 9 3457 1011
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch

Fav 10 3045 1569
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober

Fav 29 3738 976
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew

Fav 8 4080 1199
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.

Fav 5 3036 1012
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?

Fav 9 2551 921
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.

Fav 14 2436 1025
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

Fav 13 3796 1150
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

Fav 8 5026 1100
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

Fav 18 5957 1366
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

Fav 14 6177 1465
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.

(972): View more from Texas

I worry about you sometimes...

Fav 22 5402 1102
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth

Fav 18 7579 1603
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"

Fav 32 12673 1916
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

Fav 10 2593 1181
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood

Fav 57 9519 1409
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her

Fav 74 9307 1331
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.

Fav 7 2680 1570
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals

Fav 17 2019 1156
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

Fav 23 6539 1353
share tweet
(310): View more from California

your room smells of hookers.

(904): View more from Florida

And success

Fav 10 2246 859
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."

Fav 2 3329 933
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

Fav 13 4467 1188
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status

Fav 6 1927 964
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot

Fav 4 1823 850
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.

Fav 8 1994 947
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

Fav 413 27021 4050
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

Fav 7 3542 943
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

Fav 2 3613 1116
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

Fav 14 1699 4707
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.

Fav 24 3283 1226
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever

Fav 11 2350 1402
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

Fav 116 67832 4685
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?

Fav 35 3651 943
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.

Fav 16 939 1300
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

Fav 20 8325 1966
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

Fav 32 10090 2435
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

Fav 19 6929 1623
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.

Fav 9 2022 877
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.

Fav 6 1124 2094
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it

Fav 4 2354 810
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

Fav 28 4216 1630
share tweet
(209): View more from California

This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!

Fav 7 2137 888
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.

Fav 17 1112 5484
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

They should make Jack Daniels chap stick

Fav 31 6534 1071
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.

Fav 11 1911 904
share tweet
(916): View more from California

God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.

Fav 12 2620 1089
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.

Fav 11 2455 1108
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.

Fav 6 2230 1163
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle

Fav 11 1041 2252
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.

Fav 8 3681 1166
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.

Fav 4 1856 1765
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.

Fav 5 2162 933
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.

Fav 14 1402 4914
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

dude she's married.

(1-269): View more from Michigan

so? a ring don't cover no holes.

Fav 42 5429 1954
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.

Fav 37 4306 896
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.

Fav 2 1781 954
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...

Fav 12 3681 1345
share tweet
(818): View more from California

You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.

(805): View more from California

Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.

Fav 2 2563 912
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.

Fav 24 3871 1191
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.

Fav 12 1305 1635
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

Fav 20 6945 1191
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.

Fav 9 4004 1065
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship

Fav 2 1742 942
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Speaking is such a hard concept right now

Fav 3 1814 878
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?

(989): View more from Michigan

By definition I think it does.

(810): View more from Michigan

So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.

Fav 33 4046 1004
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.

Fav 47 5558 1096
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

Fav 5 3895 1209
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.

Fav 8 2264 894
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.

Fav 2 3295 1156
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.

Fav 5 1890 1272
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

Fav 5 3632 1113
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

Fav 10 2068 3589
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God

Fav 3 2569 1053
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.

Fav 12 2787 950
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks

Fav 6 3068 873
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.

Fav 13 3670 1053
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

Fav 22 4454 2177
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.

Fav 4 2242 1004
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino

Fav 9 2160 1197
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

Fav 6 3208 1182
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

Fav 34 7527 2359
share tweet