Texts From Last Night · age6989's Favorites

age6989's Favorites Texts:

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(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night

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(631): View more from New York

Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(313): View more from Michigan

She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(819): View more from Quebec

I woke up to her vacumming the grass

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(804): View more from Virginia

Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

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(937): View more from Ohio

just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(618): View more from Illinois

you should give me head with plastic fangs in

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(630): View more from Illinois

wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

(816): View more from Missouri

yes. helicopter.

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(972): View more from Texas

You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(310): View more from California

Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(516): View more from New York

Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

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(513): View more from Ohio

sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u

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(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

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(863): View more from Florida

And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard

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(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

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(216): View more from Ohio

As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(714): View more from California

I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(541): View more from Oregon

woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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(612): View more from Minnesota

the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

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(256): View more from Alabama

A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own

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(217): View more from Illinois

Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

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(941): View more from Florida

i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa

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(678): View more from Georgia

So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night

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(312): View more from Illinois

She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her

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(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous

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(320): View more from Minnesota

im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...

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(504): View more from Louisiana

his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

So can I buy you a drink sometime?

(206): View more from Washington

Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

(812): View more from Indiana

You're dead to me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(904): View more from Florida

nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle

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(678): View more from Georgia

it's not cheating when I paid for it

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(718): View more from New York

we need to drink 2009 down the drain

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(253): View more from Washington

Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER

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(630): View more from Illinois

He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.

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(708): View more from Illinois

he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet

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(720): View more from Colorado

What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to

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(520): View more from Arizona

she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.

(1-813): View more from Florida

Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?

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(212): View more from New York

R you on birth control?

(1-212): View more from New York

No, why?

(212): View more from New York

...no reason

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(434): View more from Virginia

ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(818): View more from California

Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night

(334): View more from Alabama

I felt like a fucking code breaker.

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(805): View more from California

My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(250): View more from British Columbia

note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...

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(314): View more from Missouri

Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.

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(623): View more from Arizona

everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.

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(303): View more from Colorado

that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall

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(207): View more from Maine

Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11

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(404): View more from Georgia

standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(616): View more from Michigan

a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(239): View more from Florida

they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application

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(410): View more from Maryland

i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv

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(516): View more from New York

On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?

(201): View more from New Jersey

Strong 6

(516): View more from New York

That's an oxymoron.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just got to costco. Where are you?

(602): View more from Arizona

Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

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(217): View more from Illinois

just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

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(504): View more from Louisiana

She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.

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(631): View more from New York

so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.

(631): View more from New York

what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.

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(331): View more from Illinois

You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?

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(702): View more from Nevada

omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I swear god or herbie drove my car home

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...

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(631): View more from New York

Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"

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(516): View more from New York

just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination

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(919): View more from North Carolina

just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!

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(501): View more from Arkansas

My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot

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(510): View more from California

Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...

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(214): View more from Texas

My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.

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(303): View more from Colorado

All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs

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(818): View more from California

he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger

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(312): View more from Illinois

i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it

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(806): View more from Texas

Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(906): View more from Michigan

I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.

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(916): View more from California

I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night

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(760): View more from California

my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?

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(631): View more from New York

So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone

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(858): View more from California

Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.

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(269): View more from Michigan

i think the cat found all the blow we lost...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you

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(334): View more from Alabama

you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.

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(909): View more from California

i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.

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(516): View more from New York

Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?

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(213): View more from California

the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.

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(512): View more from Texas

Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.

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