Texts From Last Night · armyboy00025's Favorites

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(407): View more from Florida

That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.

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(802): View more from Vermont

You want anything?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Gatorade and you naked.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

I can pencil you in at 3:30

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You're just horny.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy

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(778): View more from British Columbia

she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

she's gonna get diseases

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

How have you survived this long?

(479): View more from Arkansas

Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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(631): View more from New York

Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.

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(646): View more from New York

So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

(732): View more from New Jersey

Career choice validated

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country

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(317): View more from Indiana

i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..

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(905): View more from Ontario

I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.

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(209): View more from California

This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!

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(801): View more from Utah

Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college

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(517): View more from Michigan

Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.

(517): View more from Michigan

We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.

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(805): View more from California

I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."

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(207): View more from Maine

traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK

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(816): View more from Missouri

TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister

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(773): View more from Illinois

No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized

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(310): View more from California

I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*

(310): View more from California

Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving

(706): View more from Georgia

Your blankets are not drunk friendly

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

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(503): View more from Oregon

since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either

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(708): View more from Illinois

Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...

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(910): View more from North Carolina

In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.

(919): View more from North Carolina

RIP Mr Bojangles.

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(818): View more from California

She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

(812): View more from Indiana

You're dead to me.

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(309): View more from Illinois

nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol

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(313): View more from Michigan

oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing

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(614): View more from Ohio

she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.

(614): View more from Ohio

I was always good at matching as a child.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks

(1403): View more from

That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Breakfast tacos?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS

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(305): View more from Florida

Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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(406): View more from Montana

A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

it is a toga and you are a goddess.

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(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

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(805): View more from California

You are such a cockblock sometimes

(661): View more from California

You NEED a cockblock sometimes

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(360): View more from Washington

My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays

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(916): View more from California

I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i just like, need to vent to someone

(919): View more from North Carolina

Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.

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(760): View more from California

can you blow me for old times sake

(951): View more from California

only for old times sake

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(845): View more from New York

3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.

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(509): View more from Washington

We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea

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(770): View more from Georgia

Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(917): View more from New York City

Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.

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(916): View more from California

whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door

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(919): View more from North Carolina

what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

"bouncy castle"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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(239): View more from Florida

dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(989): View more from Michigan

If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back

(906): View more from Michigan

I resent that

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you

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(714): View more from California

BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I believe some people would call last night an orgy.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both

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(410): View more from Maryland

i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

(443): View more from Maryland

do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(740): View more from Ohio

how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.

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(214): View more from Texas

Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.

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(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency

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(914): View more from New York

Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class

(1-914): View more from New York

that is WHY your in summer classes

(914): View more from New York

worth it

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(334): View more from Alabama

thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week

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(248): View more from Michigan

She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.

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(813): View more from Florida

Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(719): View more from Colorado

3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado

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(432): View more from Texas

There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!

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(440): View more from Ohio

Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

No...more like a life jacket.

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(845): View more from New York

Stop trying to talk to my friends!!

(1-845): View more from New York

then get some ugly ones...

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling

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(248): View more from Michigan

So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.

(248): View more from Michigan

There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.

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(+61): View more from Australia

woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME

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(707): View more from California

I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.

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(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits

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(219): View more from Indiana

Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .

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(760): View more from California

if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel

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(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework

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(818): View more from California

my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

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(913): View more from Kansas

you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...

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(480): View more from Arizona

YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

(602): View more from Arizona

I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

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(443): View more from Maryland

we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.

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(805): View more from California

I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.

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(806): View more from Texas

For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.

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(661): View more from California

i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys

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(313): View more from Michigan

I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home

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(248): View more from Michigan

I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.

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(417): View more from Missouri

so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?

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(205): View more from Alabama

I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Is it working?

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(970): View more from Colorado

There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.

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(512): View more from Texas

he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back

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(319): View more from Iowa

I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.

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(716): View more from New York

Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.

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(425): View more from Washington

i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"

(206): View more from Washington

do it. it's every man's dream.

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(512): View more from Texas

Just fell off a train. Bad.

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(713): View more from Texas

the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few

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(425): View more from Washington

Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!

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(469): View more from Texas

On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We just shotgunned beers for America

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(513): View more from Ohio

so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.

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(914): View more from New York

hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread

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(831): View more from California

Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?

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(618): View more from Illinois

Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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(216): View more from Ohio

he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night

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(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.

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(586): View more from Michigan

We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine

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(863): View more from Florida

In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.

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(660): View more from Missouri

There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK

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(308): View more from Nebraska

this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous

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(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

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(315): View more from New York

mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(801): View more from Utah

She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.

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(360): View more from Washington

i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

(1-360): View more from Washington

oh. my. god. yes.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(310): View more from California

Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.

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(207): View more from Maine

Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........

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(512): View more from Texas

If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Did everyone make it back alive?

(309): View more from Illinois

You say that with such hope.

(217): View more from Illinois

Is that a no?

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(915): View more from Texas

Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

we already have meals planned for the weekend.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...

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(708): View more from Illinois

Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.

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(607): View more from New York

his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.

(201): View more from New Jersey

I am both scared and jealous.

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(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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(334): View more from Alabama

He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.

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(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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(801): View more from Utah

He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.

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(928): View more from Arizona

On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(910): View more from North Carolina

can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?

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(716): View more from New York

Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(219): View more from Indiana

U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(303): View more from Colorado

"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(301): View more from Maryland

My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.

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(301): View more from Maryland

she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying

(203): View more from Connecticut

but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she

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(310): View more from California

Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

(312): View more from Illinois

Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

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(703): View more from Virginia

then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"

(773): View more from Illinois

I forgot about that,good spring break.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

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(540): View more from Virginia

My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard

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(516): View more from New York

she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?

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(862): View more from New Jersey

my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow

(410): View more from Maryland

so basically your not goin out tonight?

(301): View more from Maryland

who said that?

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(513): View more from Ohio

why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Girls should come with a carfax report

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

professor came back from spring break missing a tooth

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

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(816): View more from Missouri

She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.

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(727): View more from Florida

I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.

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(845): View more from New York

Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.

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(618): View more from Illinois

here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...

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(504): View more from Louisiana

He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl

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(845): View more from New York

i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.

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(520): View more from Arizona

just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now

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(303): View more from Colorado

No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

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(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

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(520): View more from Arizona

normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.

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(415): View more from California

sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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(540): View more from Virginia

My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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(720): View more from Colorado

i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944

(720): View more from Colorado

and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.

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(480): View more from Arizona

You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(703): View more from Virginia

the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign

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(503): View more from Oregon

Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.

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(315): View more from New York

I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in

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(501): View more from Arkansas

First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.

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