Texts From Last Night · cetera's Favorites

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cetera's Favorites Texts:

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(650): View more from California

I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!

(770): View more from Georgia

Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.

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(817): View more from Texas

he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur

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(213): View more from California

Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.

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(352): View more from Florida

My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.

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(703): View more from Virginia

he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

(1-703): View more from Virginia

be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

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(807): View more from Ontario

he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants

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(703): View more from Virginia

I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.

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(914): View more from New York

you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.

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(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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(305): View more from Florida

once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away

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(718): View more from New York

I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

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(530): View more from California

I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

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(219): View more from Indiana

She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Apparently senior citizens don't like that position

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(330): View more from Ohio

why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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(626): View more from California

he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"

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(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger

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(951): View more from California

My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

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(208): View more from Idaho

How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance

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(903): View more from Texas

Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.

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(905): View more from Ontario

He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer

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(478): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.

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(302): View more from Delaware

then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(716): View more from New York

I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

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(330): View more from Ohio

fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever

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(214): View more from Texas

Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo

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(302): View more from Delaware

he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"

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(913): View more from Kansas

his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.

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(707): View more from California

why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

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(630): View more from Illinois

Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(905): View more from Ontario

oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...

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(678): View more from Georgia

his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.

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(937): View more from Ohio

just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Every perfect package comes with a warning label.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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(360): View more from Washington

Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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(913): View more from Kansas

I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night

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(515): View more from Iowa

On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.

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(631): View more from New York

I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.

(631): View more from New York

Cruelly.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina

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(313): View more from Michigan

sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework

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(727): View more from Florida

Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick

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(518): View more from New York

i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting

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(402): View more from Nebraska

This gyro tastes like lonliness

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(410): View more from Maryland

forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.

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(620): View more from Kansas

It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"

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(914): View more from New York

When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...

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(970): View more from Colorado

do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.

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(785): View more from Kansas

i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.

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(630): View more from Illinois

wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

(816): View more from Missouri

yes. helicopter.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

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(514): View more from Quebec

His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

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(516): View more from New York

I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(714): View more from California

Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.

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(636): View more from Missouri

You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

(847): View more from Illinois

What did I say?

(636): View more from Missouri

Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

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(512): View more from Texas

Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(407): View more from Florida

it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I won't be sarcastic... just naked

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(973): View more from New Jersey

remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?

(973): View more from New Jersey

it happened again.

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(314): View more from Missouri

i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.

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(512): View more from Texas

After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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(406): View more from Montana

We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.

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(214): View more from Texas

She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

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(734): View more from Michigan

i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.

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(516): View more from New York

i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone

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(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

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(251): View more from Alabama

As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(516): View more from New York

You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.

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(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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(360): View more from Washington

I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(269): View more from Michigan

I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.

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(585): View more from New York

He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"

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(647): View more from Ontario

she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'

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(972): View more from Texas

Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving

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(404): View more from Georgia

Are you still at the party or did I leave?

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(817): View more from Texas

No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.

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(315): View more from New York

Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.

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(410): View more from Maryland

just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.

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(813): View more from Florida

Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?

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(404): View more from Georgia

He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

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(716): View more from New York

is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(564): View more from Washington

He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns

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(510): View more from California

well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it

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(805): View more from California

we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home

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(214): View more from Texas

you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?

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(917): View more from New York City

Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls

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(347): View more from New York

CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS

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(765): View more from Indiana

Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?

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(702): View more from Nevada

it was like having sex with a tree stump

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(856): View more from New Jersey

she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.

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(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

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(520): View more from Arizona

She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.

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(519): View more from Ontario

we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"

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(951): View more from California

Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"

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(817): View more from Texas

you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

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(310): View more from California

I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"

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(410): View more from Maryland

There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.

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(718): View more from New York

Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"

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(519): View more from Ontario

mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing

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(512): View more from Texas

why does the wii remote smell like your vag?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

(314): View more from Missouri

you can't hurt those

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(407): View more from Florida

Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.

(804): View more from Virginia

i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.

(786): View more from Florida

that would mean it's on tape

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(208): View more from Idaho

My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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(818): View more from California

Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(517): View more from Michigan

can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina

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(516): View more from New York

my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.

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(+32): View more from Belgium

guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for

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(772): View more from Florida

remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"

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(904): View more from Florida

Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

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(206): View more from Washington

She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(619): View more from California

woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

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(415): View more from California

Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.

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(210): View more from Texas

Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

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(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

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(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.

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(915): View more from Texas

like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on

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(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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(773): View more from Illinois

Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(716): View more from New York

I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina

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(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

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(563): View more from Iowa

The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

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(289): View more from Ontario

It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...

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(818): View more from California

Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

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(407): View more from Florida

We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."

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(517): View more from Michigan

Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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(712): View more from Iowa

i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.

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(530): View more from California

you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"

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(818): View more from California

I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am

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(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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(305): View more from Florida

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"

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(949): View more from California

I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(330): View more from Ohio

So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night

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(919): View more from North Carolina

he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(916): View more from California

i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(916): View more from California

We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month

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(650): View more from California

we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed

(505): View more from New Mexico

god you guys know how to party

(650): View more from California

worst. bachelorette party. ever.

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(631): View more from New York

You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone

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(317): View more from Indiana

she was licking his armpits.

(317): View more from Indiana

asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.

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(319): View more from Iowa

You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire

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(985): View more from Louisiana

It's like a mixture of two words

(985): View more from Louisiana

"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(315): View more from New York

He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across

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(407): View more from Florida

So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

What?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

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(407): View more from Florida

Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me

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(989): View more from Michigan

i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen

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(207): View more from Maine

i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship

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(716): View more from New York

I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.

(760): View more from California

Wow.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again

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(519): View more from Ontario

We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on

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(503): View more from Oregon

There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's shedding

(1-912): View more from Georgia

I told you penises don't tan

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(734): View more from Michigan

she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.

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(360): View more from Washington

I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

yo everyone went to the hospital last night

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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(315): View more from New York

We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"

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(817): View more from Texas

HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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