Texts From Last Night · cheldoll's Favorites

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cheldoll's Favorites Texts:

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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(530): View more from California

you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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(216): View more from Ohio

i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(919): View more from North Carolina

okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.

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(818): View more from California

I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.

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(831): View more from California

I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.

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(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...

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(713): View more from Texas

counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(301): View more from Maryland

let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(281): View more from Texas

Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

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(208): View more from Idaho

My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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(858): View more from California

I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(943): View more from

You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.

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(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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(636): View more from Missouri

you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.

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(281): View more from Texas

It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(925): View more from California

I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...

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(541): View more from Oregon

You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

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(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

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(206): View more from Washington

I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death

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(303): View more from Colorado

He felt like a one man threesome

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(407): View more from Florida

Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(714): View more from California

Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(480): View more from Arizona

So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.

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(618): View more from Illinois

the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?

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(847): View more from Illinois

she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"

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(906): View more from Michigan

Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together

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(647): View more from Ontario

You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(913): View more from Kansas

you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(804): View more from Virginia

is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(520): View more from Arizona

my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands

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(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(210): View more from Texas

Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick

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(913): View more from Kansas

I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me

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(604): View more from British Columbia

People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky

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(802): View more from Vermont

you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.

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(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.

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(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems

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(516): View more from New York

doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(301): View more from Maryland

I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...

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(516): View more from New York

you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.

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(716): View more from New York

I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.

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(614): View more from Ohio

There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

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(303): View more from Colorado

No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(609): View more from New Jersey

there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(845): View more from New York

vagina is talking i cant

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(207): View more from Maine

I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(314): View more from Missouri

I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.

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(817): View more from Texas

maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.

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(661): View more from California

No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

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(573): View more from Missouri

You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(269): View more from Michigan

I don't know where I am but there are firefighters

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(770): View more from Georgia

At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit

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(260): View more from Indiana

My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(517): View more from Michigan

I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones

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(907): View more from Alaska

Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.

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(818): View more from California

you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(816): View more from Missouri

Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it

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(704): View more from North Carolina

First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.

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(916): View more from California

He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.

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(714): View more from California

after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we just fucked in the mcds parking lot

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

wasnt he a virgin

(732): View more from New Jersey

yes we got celebratory milkshakes after

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?

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(630): View more from Illinois

his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass

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(949): View more from California

i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?

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(407): View more from Florida

Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)

(1-407): View more from Florida

Mom wtf!?

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.

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(574): View more from Indiana

my professor just said "the power of the situation"

(216): View more from Ohio

drink

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.

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(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

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(831): View more from California

I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE

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(514): View more from Quebec

She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses

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(802): View more from Vermont

I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Happy Birthday

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(928): View more from Arizona

I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

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(315): View more from New York

He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?

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(516): View more from New York

he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.

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(970): View more from Colorado

just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....

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(607): View more from New York

he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.

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(941): View more from Florida

I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...

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(631): View more from New York

"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......

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(817): View more from Texas

just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.

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(917): View more from New York City

i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.

(516): View more from New York

was the water running?

(917): View more from New York City

yeah but he said he knows how to swim

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(512): View more from Texas

Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible

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(734): View more from Michigan

dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks

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(703): View more from Virginia

threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.

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(813): View more from Florida

That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station

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(917): View more from New York City

It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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