Texts From Last Night · dj_ricochet07's Favorites

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dj_ricochet07's Favorites Texts:

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.

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(937): View more from Ohio

she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.

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(970): View more from Colorado

he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.

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(512): View more from Texas

"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.

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(440): View more from Ohio

WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS

(740): View more from Ohio

BECAUSE SCIENCE

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you

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(912): View more from Georgia

We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's

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(303): View more from Colorado

Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.

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(562): View more from California

New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips

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(850): View more from Florida

She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock

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(804): View more from Virginia

If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.

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(705): View more from Ontario

The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.

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(713): View more from Texas

She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..

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(940): View more from Texas

She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake

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(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

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(302): View more from Delaware

This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

who dressed up as a cop at your party???

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

idk I have to check. Why?

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.

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(524): View more from

I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles

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(916): View more from California

It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?

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(569): View more from

we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh

(784): View more from St. Vincent/Grenadines

it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.

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(904): View more from Florida

You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

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(703): View more from Virginia

After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.

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(410): View more from Maryland

It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.

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(817): View more from Texas

Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.

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(406): View more from Montana

Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count

(516): View more from New York

then nothing in my life counts

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.

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(805): View more from California

Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life

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(818): View more from California

the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes

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(925): View more from California

she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.

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(516): View more from New York

I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget

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(541): View more from Oregon

Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.

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(706): View more from Georgia

It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...

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(775): View more from Nevada

My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case

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(407): View more from Florida

Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.

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(503): View more from Oregon

You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!

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(330): View more from Ohio

Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.

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(954): View more from Florida

I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind

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(415): View more from California

I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.

(732): View more from New Jersey

you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.

(732): View more from New Jersey

IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.

(606): View more from Kentucky

Fuck him.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.

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(209): View more from California

Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)

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(469): View more from Texas

HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Whiskey??

(706): View more from Georgia

It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.

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(904): View more from Florida

i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.

(904): View more from Florida

Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again

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(903): View more from Texas

He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.

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(618): View more from Illinois

He's going to be my graduation present to myself.

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(989): View more from Michigan

He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I'll uninvite my mom

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(303): View more from Colorado

His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"

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(951): View more from California

Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.

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(205): View more from Alabama

My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.

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(281): View more from Texas

A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.

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(415): View more from California

White people are beatboxing! Save me.

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(714): View more from California

Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like you just railed me after that sext

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out

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(616): View more from Michigan

If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out

(417): View more from Missouri

You'd think the first few times would have been enough

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.

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(469): View more from Texas

How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?

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(619): View more from California

According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window

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(417): View more from Missouri

I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.

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(281): View more from Texas

Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it

(708): View more from Illinois

So thats why that cop beat my ass?

(630): View more from Illinois

Probably

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(602): View more from Arizona

You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?

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(303): View more from Colorado

When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?

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(760): View more from California

Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.

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(512): View more from Texas

You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

A BJ like that needs to be recommended.

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(714): View more from California

I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!

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(561): View more from Florida

Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.

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(509): View more from Washington

So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?

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(563): View more from Iowa

So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing

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(627): View more from California

The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...

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(408): View more from California

so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight

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(347): View more from New York

Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.

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(407): View more from Florida

We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.

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(319): View more from Iowa

WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER

(1-319): View more from Iowa

THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Bang-toberfest begins!!

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(516): View more from New York

She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.

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(904): View more from Florida

You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have

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(303): View more from Colorado

If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you

(303): View more from Colorado

Seriously. Castrate.

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(563): View more from Iowa

However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.

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(863): View more from Florida

Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials

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(657): View more from California

He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"

(818): View more from California

this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!

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(561): View more from Florida

You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...

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(254): View more from Texas

I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Did he at least offer you guys chips?

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(917): View more from New York City

She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.

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(858): View more from California

I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.

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(970): View more from Colorado

The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

You fucker.

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(720): View more from Colorado

The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?

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(302): View more from Delaware

I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will

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(315): View more from New York

We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...

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(510): View more from California

Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?

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(812): View more from Indiana

Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.

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(661): View more from California

I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...

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(301): View more from Maryland

He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.

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(330): View more from Ohio

If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent

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(330): View more from Ohio

I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls

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(410): View more from Maryland

IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS

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(971): View more from Oregon

I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..

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(315): View more from New York

she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot

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(253): View more from Washington

Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man

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(219): View more from Indiana

You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears

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(785): View more from Kansas

You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore

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(519): View more from Ontario

Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours

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(613): View more from Ontario

I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.

(615): View more from Tennessee

My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.

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(907): View more from Alaska

according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno

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(336): View more from North Carolina

It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.

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(239): View more from Florida

Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.

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(561): View more from Florida

Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.

(1-561): View more from Florida

How high are you?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm two sheets to the sexual wind

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(703): View more from Virginia

that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.

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(805): View more from California

We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"

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(818): View more from California

I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.

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(258): View more from

You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.

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(310): View more from California

I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay

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(631): View more from New York

They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.

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(817): View more from Texas

And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"

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(813): View more from Florida

I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.

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(904): View more from Florida

You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.

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(954): View more from Florida

aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You made out with two different species that night

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?

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(602): View more from Arizona

So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?

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(309): View more from Illinois

We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.

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(212): View more from New York

I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday

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(360): View more from Washington

that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.

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(916): View more from California

Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".

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(217): View more from Illinois

sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's gameday bitch. Man up.

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(512): View more from Texas

While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.

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(251): View more from Alabama

How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud

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(269): View more from Michigan

We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Love me.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just for one nugget?

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(231): View more from Michigan

Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home

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(512): View more from Texas

My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him

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(785): View more from Kansas

I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Can I color on your dick again?

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(317): View more from Indiana

No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".

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(416): View more from Toronto

Why Weren't you wearing pants?

(647): View more from Ontario

because pants are for people with no imagination

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(423): View more from Tennessee

So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.

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(365): View more from

James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.

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(310): View more from California

I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.

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(850): View more from Florida

I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.

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(713): View more from Texas

You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Almost there.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now

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(813): View more from Florida

I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.

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(916): View more from California

1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.

(707): View more from California

*roof

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried

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(937): View more from Ohio

I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can

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(+97): View more from

Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.

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(916): View more from California

If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.

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(425): View more from Washington

You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I feel strange, like something is off with my body

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days

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(226): View more from Ontario

The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle

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(315): View more from New York

A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.

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(631): View more from New York

She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat

(1-631): View more from New York

SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.

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(801): View more from Utah

My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?

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(303): View more from Colorado

But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.

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(517): View more from Michigan

winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.

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(289): View more from Ontario

The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.

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(325): View more from Texas

3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!

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(805): View more from California

You are such a cockblock sometimes

(661): View more from California

You NEED a cockblock sometimes

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(856): View more from New Jersey

First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me

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(573): View more from Missouri

I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.

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(406): View more from Montana

You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend

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(856): View more from New Jersey

She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"

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(912): View more from Georgia

So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.

(1-912): View more from Georgia

Who leaves their car unlocked at night?

(912): View more from Georgia

Someone who wants to read the newspaper.

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(905): View more from Ontario

STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE

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(210): View more from Texas

IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.

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(310): View more from California

It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal

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(773): View more from Illinois

What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..

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(281): View more from Texas

Dinner?

(713): View more from Texas

YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!

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(847): View more from Illinois

YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere

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(314): View more from Missouri

oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.

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(509): View more from Washington

Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(734): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.

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(914): View more from New York

He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike

(1-914): View more from New York

Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?

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(512): View more from Texas

i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.

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(516): View more from New York

He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?

(913): View more from Kansas

Is that weird?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking

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(716): View more from New York

The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.

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(607): View more from New York

You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)

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(408): View more from California

Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours

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(408): View more from California

Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...

(320): View more from Minnesota

He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.

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(419): View more from Ohio

He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..

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(702): View more from Nevada

She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us

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(818): View more from California

He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing

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(618): View more from Illinois

He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero

(618): View more from Illinois

I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.

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(469): View more from Texas

I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some

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(410): View more from Maryland

What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.

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(757): View more from Virginia

There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon

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(916): View more from California

this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse

(1-916): View more from California

People like that make this world a better place.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,

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(909): View more from California

No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back

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(585): View more from New York

Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm

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(256): View more from Alabama

i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?

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(210): View more from Texas

please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?

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(319): View more from Iowa

4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW

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(248): View more from Michigan

Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(319): View more from Iowa

i think i broke my dog last night...fuck

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(614): View more from Ohio

last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer

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(914): View more from New York

Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook

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(312): View more from Illinois

Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week

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(818): View more from California

I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record

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(+61): View more from Australia

Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood

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(541): View more from Oregon

I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?

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(949): View more from California

I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.

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(863): View more from Florida

So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.

(1-863): View more from Florida

You're a fucking train wreck.

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(212): View more from New York

Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?

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(239): View more from Florida

I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.

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(785): View more from Kansas

WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS

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(775): View more from Nevada

Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?

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(260): View more from Indiana

One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.

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(516): View more from New York

i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

You bought MORE?!

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(231): View more from Michigan

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.

(712): View more from Iowa

What's an angry pirate?

(702): View more from Nevada

You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.

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(779): View more from Illinois

I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.

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(209): View more from California

So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility

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(831): View more from California

You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint

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(310): View more from California

Just called the consul general of France "dude"

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(812): View more from Indiana

And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING

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(914): View more from New York

After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.

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(407): View more from Florida

Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?

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(424): View more from California

Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.

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(269): View more from Michigan

"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken

(269): View more from Michigan

"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy

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(815): View more from Illinois

Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.

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(509): View more from Washington

He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.

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(323): View more from California

Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.

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(+61): View more from Australia

You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills

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(+61): View more from Australia

The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself

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(301): View more from Maryland

FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.

(727): View more from Florida

MAS TEQUILA.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing

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(847): View more from Illinois

So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.

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(432): View more from Texas

She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.

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(415): View more from California

theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?

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