Texts From Last Night · ellieishyphy's Favorites

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ellieishyphy's Favorites Texts:

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.

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(907): View more from Alaska

She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.

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(712): View more from Iowa

He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.

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(443): View more from Maryland

where are you?

(240): View more from Maryland

Hypothermia

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(714): View more from California

he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(408): View more from California

He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.

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(917): View more from New York City

Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes

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(702): View more from Nevada

And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.

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(518): View more from New York

I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.

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(894): View more from

just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

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(440): View more from Ohio

Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.

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(845): View more from New York

The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy

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(815): View more from Illinois

I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(713): View more from Texas

We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

You would...

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(+61): View more from Australia

Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

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(720): View more from Colorado

At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course

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(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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(718): View more from New York

I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

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(530): View more from California

I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

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(970): View more from Colorado

Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.

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(586): View more from Michigan

If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(703): View more from Virginia

But I thought everyone had breakup sex?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

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(917): View more from New York City

Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.

(347): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get

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(813): View more from Florida

my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good

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(517): View more from Michigan

you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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(318): View more from Louisiana

That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied

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(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.

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(317): View more from Indiana

cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome

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(859): View more from Kentucky

thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(516): View more from New York

Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?

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(256): View more from Alabama

from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334): View more from Alabama

i do.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(862): View more from New Jersey

this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont even know how to be here

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(916): View more from California

I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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(540): View more from Virginia

i really wish james franco would like my vagina

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(440): View more from Ohio

Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

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(718): View more from New York

you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(905): View more from Toronto

You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?

(1-905): View more from Toronto

Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on

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(775): View more from Nevada

somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.

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(949): View more from California

Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

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(650): View more from California

Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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(209): View more from California

Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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(803): View more from South Carolina

We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?

(843): View more from South Carolina

You're upset about this?

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(434): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

time to smoke my breakfast

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(205): View more from Alabama

I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay

(602): View more from Arizona

I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.

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(727): View more from Florida

just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation

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(315): View more from New York

I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

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(817): View more from Texas

I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore

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(480): View more from Arizona

Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy

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(216): View more from Ohio

let's bang

(773): View more from Illinois

You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(515): View more from Iowa

"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.

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(631): View more from New York

what you doin?

(516): View more from New York

I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

(631): View more from New York

reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

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(805): View more from California

Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

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(347): View more from New York

Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?

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(510): View more from California

I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(954): View more from Florida

hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....

(1-630): View more from Illinois

which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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(678): View more from Georgia

I gave up sex for lent.

(646): View more from New York

I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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(404): View more from Georgia

on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

i can respect that.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me

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(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

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(425): View more from Washington

OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?

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(734): View more from Michigan

I wish I only lived at night.

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.

(713): View more from Texas

I'm coming over.

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(352): View more from Florida

What are you doing?

(352): View more from Florida

High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...

(352): View more from Florida

That guy could sell me cancer.

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(206): View more from Washington

when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.

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(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry

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(614): View more from Ohio

Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?

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(315): View more from New York

You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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