Texts From Last Night · fittoburn's Favorites

Sorry JDogish hasn't picked any favorites yet.

fittoburn's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

Fav 83 18223 2408
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.

Fav 22 2075 5494
share tweet

(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

Fav 34 5584 1859
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke

Fav 9 5103 1314
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.

Fav 59 8725 1181
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

i can juggle bunnies

(1-802): View more from Vermont

cool

(802): View more from Vermont

on fire

Fav 11 3488 1251
share tweet

(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

Fav 106 39930 2450
share tweet

(817): View more from Texas

he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.

Fav 29 4623 1849
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

Fav 22 3727 3693
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.

Fav 14 4957 3056
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

Fav 29 10546 1494
share tweet

(563): View more from Iowa

I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?

Fav 24 3691 3890
share tweet

(703): View more from Virginia

i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated

Fav 13 4876 1457
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.

Fav 28 5113 1174
share tweet

(202): View more from Washington, DC

if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...

Fav 10 1538 3099
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

Fav 14 4145 1126
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good

(651): View more from Minnesota

who is this?

(612): View more from Minnesota

jesse's little brother

Fav 42 2028 5152
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."

Fav 27 1519 4534
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling

Fav 23 2621 1079
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.

Fav 36 1898 4446
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face

Fav 7 2242 1067
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long

(917): View more from New York City

Thats what she said

Fav 13 2426 1097
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

Fav 42 28638 1532
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

Fav 15 8248 1440
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.

Fav 13 1415 7049
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

Fav 50 17085 1246
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

Fav 25 16039 1837
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

Fav 36 10569 3675
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.

Fav 14 4564 1496
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

(206): View more from Washington

?

(360): View more from Washington

he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

Fav 27 4540 1136
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.

Fav 11 4931 935
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.

Fav 25 4735 910
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"

Fav 64 6800 1175
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

therell be strippers and coke right?

(703): View more from Virginia

no strippers. just coke.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

i hate this fuckin recession

Fav 22 11340 3050
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.

Fav 66 2122 4172
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.

Fav 13 1018 3554
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it

Fav 11 5411 1318
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.

Fav 12 1549 6002
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...

Fav 40 3963 1419
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?

Fav 9 6113 1570
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.

Fav 38 6663 2360
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?

Fav 24 6216 1972
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

Fav 12 9252 2001
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes

(1-407): View more from Florida

i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.

Fav 21 4456 1047
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

Fav 21 9196 1574
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her

Fav 74 9307 1332
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.

Fav 80 4459 1101
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives

Fav 15 4330 1437
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

Fav 70 14198 1983
share tweet
(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

Fav 12 6924 1249
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

Fav 42 11448 1731
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

Fav 40 13036 1834
share tweet
(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

Fav 52 2718 10607
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried

Fav 38 2406 8181
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

Fav 21 7759 2169
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

Fav 12 9338 1348
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.

Fav 13 5595 2025
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s

Fav 17 4544 831
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie

Fav 7 1558 2597
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!

Fav 66 1551 17567
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I cockslap morals

Fav 5 3443 846
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

Fav 26 4407 1081
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Stop trying to talk to my friends!!

(1-845): View more from New York

then get some ugly ones...

Fav 18 6564 1994
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.

Fav 11 5699 2652
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.

Fav 21 2713 5163
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

Fav 17 11362 1568
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

Fav 37 11182 1821
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno

Fav 13 3364 928
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends

Fav 16 1557 3436
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Can I ask u a weird question?

(1-509): View more from Washington

Sure

(509): View more from Washington

do u have the hershy squirts too?

Fav 20 785 3814
share tweet
(909): View more from California

is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?

Fav 185 5562 7348
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.

Fav 8 3669 1055
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.

Fav 37 1431 5377
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap

Fav 11 2719 1042
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"

Fav 14 4041 962
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.

Fav 7 2466 4244
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'

(1-904): View more from Florida

wtf?

(904): View more from Florida

It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'

Fav 14 4759 1177
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

Fav 40 29370 1554
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it

Fav 65 5519 2264
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Are your eyes okay

(260): View more from Indiana

I mean if I was Asian they would be

Fav 8 2673 1046
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

Fav 36 7355 1060
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!

Fav 19 1143 3675
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?

Fav 33 5151 2565
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...

Fav 30 996 2501
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

What!?!?! How are you txting?!

(775): View more from Nevada

Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

Fav 55 1606 3573
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.

Fav 89 11784 1102
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.

Fav 19 5065 995
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.

Fav 17 4764 871
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest

Fav 4 1924 652
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.

Fav 29 1734 725
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

they had a keg party to fund her abortion.

Fav 79 2949 5460
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I like you better when you drink

(708): View more from Illinois

I like you better when I drink too

Fav 15 4913 1209
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest

Fav 37 5647 1305
share tweet
(661): View more from California

i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me

Fav 93 4849 1774
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.

Fav 46 1984 3569
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

Fav 18 4235 1271
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho

Fav 56 2511 15427
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.

Fav 28 4182 805
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.

Fav 155 13567 1259
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Whatcha textin bout Willis?

Fav 29 4052 1245
share tweet
(714): View more from California

so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)

(1-714): View more from California

i'm so jealous of you right now.

Fav 57 9384 1920
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

Fav 131 15187 1770
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl

Fav 8 3295 998
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??

(630): View more from Illinois

savin' lives aint cheap

Fav 23 2074 924
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

Fav 27 9353 3734
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

She is totally STD

(941): View more from Florida

Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD

Fav 52 1443 4423
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

Fav 106 21759 1487
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.

Fav 32 926 5069
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

Fav 48 8766 1253
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.

Fav 40 5673 3889
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache

Fav 23 4781 1486
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo

Fav 35 4436 919
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.

Fav 44 6450 1077
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you

Fav 32 1610 8824
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

Fav 110 15469 1801
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think

Fav 9 1490 5647
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

omg no way im finding him!

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.

Fav 114 2233 9527
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.

Fav 32 5300 905
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

Fav 225 8818 73998
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

Fav 264 5203 80185
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67671 4397
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

Fav 184 96431 5749
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146111 10759
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

Fav 38 9131 1253
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

Fav 56 7970 1743
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.

Fav 20 7122 1549
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

(1-775): View more from Nevada

A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

Fav 16 2041 2887
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.

Fav 36 2314 1346
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.

Fav 38 5798 1214
share tweet
(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

Fav 292 30520 14157
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

super hot butfun

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.

Fav 11 3491 1024
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

Fav 62 3556 5274
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

Fav 65 24891 2191
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.

Fav 41 1193 7294
share tweet