Texts From Last Night · iheartFYS's Favorites

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(609): View more from New Jersey

we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time

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(503): View more from Oregon

This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.

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(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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(614): View more from Ohio

I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man

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(734): View more from Michigan

I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(712): View more from Iowa

I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I don`t remember Saturday, actually

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Its ok, i dont remember 2007

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(901): View more from Tennessee

If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(440): View more from Ohio

she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.

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(518): View more from New York

Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.

(860): View more from Connecticut

what did you do?

(203): View more from Connecticut

i asked her out. that's so hot.

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(815): View more from Illinois

His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.

(937): View more from Ohio

He had some in his pocket. That was weird.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends

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(702): View more from Nevada

Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.

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(515): View more from Iowa

i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.

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(323): View more from California

Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

(1-323): View more from California

We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

(323): View more from California

Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

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(406): View more from Montana

She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

(409): View more from Texas

That was definitely the right answer.

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(718): View more from New York

Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(212): View more from New York

he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings

(718): View more from New York

He can't hurt my feelings

(718): View more from New York

I don't have feelings.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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(415): View more from California

Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in

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(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(207): View more from Maine

Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man

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(270): View more from Kentucky

T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I'm jealous

(270): View more from Kentucky

My throat feels like a candle.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...

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(239): View more from Florida

So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time

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(303): View more from Colorado

why im i the only drunk person in the library?

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(913): View more from Kansas

I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof

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(313): View more from Michigan

Howd you meet this guy?

(612): View more from Minnesota

I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..

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(704): View more from North Carolina

my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'

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(704): View more from North Carolina

IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann

(803): View more from South Carolina

honey you're def caucasian

(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z

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(740): View more from Ohio

Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night

(631): View more from New York

U should. Its a good ice breaker

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(407): View more from Florida

im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes

(1-407): View more from Florida

i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it

(651): View more from Minnesota

nevermind its newpaper

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

(213): View more from California

so that means christmas in space?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."

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(850): View more from Florida

does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?

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(317): View more from Indiana

If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?

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(360): View more from Washington

I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

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(937): View more from Ohio

talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.

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(937): View more from Ohio

We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.

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(706): View more from Georgia

What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.

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(419): View more from Ohio

A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me

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(925): View more from California

So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.

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(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.

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(740): View more from Ohio

the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless

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(740): View more from Ohio

ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.

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(740): View more from Ohio

He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(740): View more from Ohio

While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(740): View more from Ohio

There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"

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(740): View more from Ohio

His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream

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(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.

(919): View more from North Carolina

If you're joking I'm going to be sad

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We named our party play list daddy issues

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee

(704): View more from North Carolina

Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?

(954): View more from Florida

Why wouldn't there be.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

(704): View more from North Carolina

oh, you finally did the dishes then?

(980): View more from North Carolina

No, bought new ones.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.

(919): View more from North Carolina

Colt 45 out of anything is classy.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine

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(951): View more from California

Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.

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(618): View more from Illinois

she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am

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(804): View more from Virginia

Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,

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(913): View more from Kansas

Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat

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(913): View more from Kansas

I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me

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(913): View more from Kansas

girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class

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(913): View more from Kansas

Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What's going on tomorrow?

(913): View more from Kansas

Nothing, it's Wednesday

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(913): View more from Kansas

You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #

(816): View more from Missouri

ah tequila...

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(913): View more from Kansas

Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..

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(913): View more from Kansas

the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

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(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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(913): View more from Kansas

high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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(913): View more from Kansas

Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.

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(913): View more from Kansas

some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.

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(619): View more from California

do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.

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(909): View more from California

I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

did you know it's going to storm tonight?

(630): View more from Illinois

You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.

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(425): View more from Washington

So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...

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(802): View more from Vermont

and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?

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(716): View more from New York

Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.

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(325): View more from Texas

I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka

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(210): View more from Texas

I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(317): View more from Indiana

dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

details please.

(317): View more from Indiana

they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."

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(937): View more from Ohio

Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date

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(512): View more from Texas

They should make Jack Daniels chap stick

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(+32): View more from Belgium

Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.

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(313): View more from Michigan

No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

ugh. my soul tastes like vodka

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(563): View more from Iowa

My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.

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(513): View more from Ohio

The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.

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(503): View more from Oregon

you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt

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(408): View more from California

um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.

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(925): View more from California

no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?

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(440): View more from Ohio

I just did the classiest thing ever.

(216): View more from Ohio

last time you said that you got chlamydia.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

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(480): View more from Arizona

They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."

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(310): View more from California

i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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(205): View more from Alabama

btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever

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(480): View more from Arizona

oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund

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(951): View more from California

Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.

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(214): View more from Texas

I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine

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(812): View more from Indiana

there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.

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(415): View more from California

Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.

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(716): View more from New York

If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.

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(516): View more from New York

The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We are two peas in an std pod

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen

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(718): View more from New York

Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(718): View more from New York

i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..

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(718): View more from New York

Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."

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(509): View more from Washington

Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.

(406): View more from Montana

IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.

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(406): View more from Montana

As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

(406): View more from Montana

And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Amen.

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(406): View more from Montana

Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant

(617): View more from Massachusetts

then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.

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(909): View more from California

why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?

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(941): View more from Florida

She is totally STD

(941): View more from Florida

Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD

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(248): View more from Michigan

he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury

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(360): View more from Washington

If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Is my tampon string too long for this dress?

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(305): View more from Florida

I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(303): View more from Colorado

maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.

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(630): View more from Illinois

there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'

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(404): View more from Georgia

he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.

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(571): View more from Virginia

you're bored at work aren't you?

(703): View more from Virginia

I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk

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(703): View more from Virginia

we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down

(919): View more from North Carolina

i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him

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(415): View more from California

no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed

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(310): View more from California

please tell me if i'm home and in my bed

(1-310): View more from California

negative

(310): View more from California

come find me please

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.

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(516): View more from New York

Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?

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(914): View more from New York

she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

i want to fuck

(320): View more from Minnesota

?

(701): View more from North Dakota

it's pretty self explanatory

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(205): View more from Alabama

So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that

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