Texts From Last Night · ivybear's Favorites

Sorry liddad hasn't picked any favorites yet.

ivybear's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(845): View more from New York

First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...

Fav 39 1309 4650
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.

Fav 6 1713 972
share tweet

(281): View more from Texas

After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.

Fav 23 5409 987
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

Fav 27 1957 5007
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

Fav 50 17083 1244
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"

Fav 61 6683 1356
share tweet

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

Fav 131 15187 1768
share tweet

(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

Fav 16 5844 1048
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.

Fav 42 9098 1036
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.

Fav 43 1625 9566
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

Fav 57 2126 21467
share tweet

(314): View more from Missouri

this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"

Fav 40 2153 4204
share tweet

(+44): View more from England

Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.

Fav 54 2103 10160
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.

Fav 17 4256 1011
share tweet

(303): View more from Colorado

She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.

Fav 82 9787 1605
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

Fav 23 1946 8089
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

Fav 24 8146 1758
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53788 3106
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

Fav 20 9452 1869
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

Fav 62 14043 1746
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

Fav 72 18828 3097
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.

Fav 31 7961 1415
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

Fav 39 2146 5762
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty

(917): View more from New York City

smooth operator

Fav 25 8199 1708
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

Fav 57 8658 3026
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

Fav 38 12651 1611
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

Fav 31 9728 1632
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

Fav 17 8417 2148
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

Fav 34 26490 2351
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to

Fav 14 4660 1335
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"

Fav 45 4717 1635
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now

Fav 27 9323 1178
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building

Fav 2 3940 933
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death

Fav 5 1254 1652
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.

Fav 24 8866 2021
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

Fav 11 6794 1635
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

Fav 13 9194 1748
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love

Fav 12 5597 1640
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

Fav 30 7600 1593
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

Fav 24 5793 1394
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

Fav 28 6243 1625
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.

Fav 6 1448 3997
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"

Fav 15 5558 1806
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.

Fav 11 3804 1543
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this

Fav 10 5069 1539
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

Fav 83 2181 10532
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking

Fav 4 4119 1087
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium

Fav 20 5597 1502
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

Fav 87 21058 2047
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.

Fav 30 7299 1358
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?

Fav 20 1428 7915
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.

Fav 8 5842 1368
share tweet
(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

Fav 21 8408 1736
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.

Fav 21 1058 3065
share tweet
(916): View more from California

the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.

Fav 20 5016 1036
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.

Fav 14 3092 1015
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

Fav 96 13848 2782
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

Fav 18 6640 1706
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

Fav 257 8832 2811
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation

Fav 23 6328 1380
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final

Fav 18 10502 1290
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.

Fav 28 6095 1446
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

Fav 30 10805 2116
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

Fav 34 21338 2216
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card

Fav 19 6071 1284
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

Fav 35 13049 1899
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

(516): View more from New York

nope.

Fav 21 1598 4687
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.

Fav 25 3264 924
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

Fav 42 11448 1729
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

Fav 37 11181 1819
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.

Fav 45 4848 1023
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS

(210): View more from Texas

Put my glitter back.

Fav 16 3543 917
share tweet
(408): View more from California

there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing

Fav 12 3316 1309
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

Fav 26 7055 1555
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.

Fav 35 2161 5435
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

Fav 22 10343 1710
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

Fav 14 10307 1445
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

Fav 17 6823 2150
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

Fav 20 2065 7201
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

Fav 12 9251 1997
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".

Fav 12 2348 4188
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

Fav 12 6125 1440
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper

Fav 13 6151 2531
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.

Fav 13 5941 1422
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.

Fav 48 6793 2267
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm

Fav 21 4009 4852
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.

Fav 30 4332 1295
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

Fav 25 21252 1555
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?

Fav 6 1955 4086
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.

Fav 6 5657 1569
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities

Fav 11 5435 1836
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.

Fav 14 6888 1608
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character

Fav 13 6572 1329
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

Fav 70 14194 1981
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

Fav 42 2675 7588
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

Fav 20 4248 4888
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes

Fav 61 6563 1410
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

Fav 17 10943 1587
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

Fav 17 7924 1354
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

Fav 40 5768 1869
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.

Fav 8 1452 5015
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

Fav 28 13866 2498
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated

Fav 10 1690 5303
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.

Fav 28 6061 1369
share tweet
(310): View more from California

my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.

Fav 28 1551 7334
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.

Fav 35 6400 1790
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I had better be fucking involved with step four.

Fav 46 5709 1308
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...

Fav 35 1920 6917
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.

Fav 26 4924 1703
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.

Fav 6 2792 926
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.

Fav 12 2815 1183
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

Fav 16 8194 1394
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

Fav 37 6828 2217
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53250 2386
share tweet

ivybear's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

Quick! While no one's looking

Click this little button for TFLN texts and updates

We also send dope emails

Forget to check the site? We’ll send our best texts, memes and weekly shenanigans straight to your inbox.

already like us? well thanks! click here.