Texts From Last Night · jambi's Favorites

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(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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(773): View more from Illinois

while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"

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(616): View more from Michigan

I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed

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(315): View more from New York

you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out

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(863): View more from Florida

And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?

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(513): View more from Ohio

hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"

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(630): View more from Illinois

is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?

(815): View more from Illinois

that's gum

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(224): View more from Illinois

I haven't been sober in 4 days.

(1-224): View more from Illinois

Then be sober

(224): View more from Illinois

No.

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(323): View more from California

IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,

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(408): View more from California

I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW

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(440): View more from Ohio

i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat

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(765): View more from Indiana

i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out

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(646): View more from New York

Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.

(646): View more from New York

Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die

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(404): View more from Georgia

Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka

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(517): View more from Michigan

Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler

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(706): View more from Georgia

Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?

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(770): View more from Georgia

I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.

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(954): View more from Florida

Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.

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(305): View more from Florida

One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.

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(330): View more from Ohio

i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense

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(812): View more from Indiana

Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me

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(360): View more from Washington

A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".

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(810): View more from Michigan

Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.

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(714): View more from California

I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass

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(415): View more from California

Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.

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(602): View more from Arizona

My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets

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(850): View more from Florida

So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.

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(314): View more from Missouri

When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever

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(310): View more from California

Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???

(818): View more from California

As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever

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(323): View more from California

This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success

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(702): View more from Nevada

The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god

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(585): View more from New York

Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

ROADTRIP.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything

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(913): View more from Kansas

Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole

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(518): View more from New York

Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...

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(727): View more from Florida

Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?

(813): View more from Florida

Heaven. . It would look like heaven

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(914): View more from New York

I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset

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(512): View more from Texas

Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.

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(254): View more from Texas

The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?

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(802): View more from Vermont

Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?

(1-802): View more from Vermont

Why do you think I have a job?

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(207): View more from Maine

Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp

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(719): View more from Colorado

My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.

(1-719): View more from Colorado

Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!

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(303): View more from Colorado

I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating

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(216): View more from Ohio

Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.

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(863): View more from Florida

Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.

(813): View more from Florida

You always make things weird.

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(347): View more from New York

The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?

(973): View more from New Jersey

That does not seem like timing

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.

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(512): View more from Texas

I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.

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(516): View more from New York

Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

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(210): View more from Texas

We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".

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(502): View more from Kentucky

to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary

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(716): View more from New York

You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Let me tell you the story of bicurious george

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.

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(515): View more from Iowa

My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."

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(713): View more from Texas

Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.

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(206): View more from Washington

Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists

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(760): View more from California

Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself

(760): View more from California

Though I typed a half of that one

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.

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(309): View more from Illinois

It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

...Wow...

(309): View more from Illinois

I could be a kindergarten teacher

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(330): View more from Ohio

Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.

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(602): View more from Arizona

This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...

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(207): View more from Maine

Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.

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(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!

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(347): View more from New York

WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.

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(720): View more from Colorado

when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests

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(718): View more from New York

She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man

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(714): View more from California

She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull

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(415): View more from California

The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.

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(914): View more from New York

true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"

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(509): View more from Washington

How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch

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(601): View more from Mississippi

The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.

(615): View more from Tennessee

My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.

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(561): View more from Florida

Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.

(1-561): View more from Florida

How high are you?

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(317): View more from Indiana

When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.

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(703): View more from Virginia

It's like God shit irony all over that family

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(310): View more from California

If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic

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(480): View more from Arizona

He was uncircumcised

(480): View more from Arizona

It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Brilliant thought; pill pong.

(651): View more from Minnesota

What could go wrong?

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(712): View more from Iowa

I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

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(518): View more from New York

It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy

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(423): View more from Tennessee

It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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(858): View more from California

You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...

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(845): View more from New York

Just got motor boated by a horse in the street

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(310): View more from California

Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.

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(914): View more from New York

Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you

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(516): View more from New York

i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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(916): View more from California

No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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(618): View more from Illinois

My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(815): View more from Illinois

It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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(703): View more from Virginia

..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making

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(817): View more from Texas

he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur

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(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(806): View more from Texas

That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.

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(512): View more from Texas

Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(207): View more from Maine

I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers

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(562): View more from California

it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.

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(310): View more from California

If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.

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(630): View more from Illinois

last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate

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(614): View more from Ohio

So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(802): View more from Vermont

just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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(630): View more from Illinois

Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.

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(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

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(219): View more from Indiana

you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

(949): View more from California

she's my drunk super hero.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

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(616): View more from Michigan

There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during

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(310): View more from California

Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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(718): View more from New York

he told me my vagina needed a tic tac

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

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(440): View more from Ohio

Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me

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(845): View more from New York

I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge

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(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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(352): View more from Florida

she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(819): View more from Quebec

I woke up to her vacumming the grass

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can

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(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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(718): View more from New York

he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty

(917): View more from New York City

smooth operator

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.

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(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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(207): View more from Maine

so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.

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(+06): View more from

it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.

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(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(907): View more from Alaska

My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(315): View more from New York

Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.

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(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

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(914): View more from New York

Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right

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(206): View more from Washington

He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(863): View more from Florida

We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace

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(330): View more from Ohio

giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach

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(234): View more from Ohio

if we break up, who will get the dealer?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.

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(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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(256): View more from Alabama

so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.

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