Texts From Last Night · octobur's Favorites

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octobur's Favorites Texts:

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(928): View more from Arizona

Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.

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(716): View more from New York

It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Holy Shit Mom

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town

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(850): View more from Florida

Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs

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(907): View more from Alaska

Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls

(907): View more from Alaska

Dude you promised

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(779): View more from Illinois

she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.

(515): View more from Iowa

Yea.....I saw that happen.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in

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(708): View more from Illinois

Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college

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(907): View more from Alaska

I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips

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(407): View more from Florida

Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

why does every cop we meet know your name?

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(571): View more from Virginia

What are you bringing to class tomorrow?

(703): View more from Virginia

sorrow

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(970): View more from Colorado

ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20

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(208): View more from Idaho

It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.

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(425): View more from Washington

We’re leaving where are you

(206): View more from Washington

Hold on Toxic just started playing

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(331): View more from Illinois

I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?

(1-331): View more from Illinois

A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls

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(626): View more from California

sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important

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(207): View more from Maine

You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.

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(775): View more from Nevada

If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't think I should try acid.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.

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(317): View more from Indiana

So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.

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(530): View more from California

What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.

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(253): View more from Washington

Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high

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(206): View more from Washington

a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done

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(763): View more from Minnesota

How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.

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(801): View more from Utah

My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.

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(540): View more from Virginia

There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."

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(334): View more from Alabama

alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos

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(727): View more from Florida

What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked

(539): View more from

All of it

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(804): View more from Virginia

I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed

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(530): View more from California

He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby

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(630): View more from Illinois

did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?

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(661): View more from California

You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid

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(678): View more from Georgia

And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.

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(915): View more from Texas

Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last

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(317): View more from Indiana

Did we kick in my basement door last night?

(708): View more from Illinois

Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.

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(765): View more from Indiana

My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Yeah, I liked it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar

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(614): View more from Ohio

Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Come over.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.

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(209): View more from California

So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We need to feng shui this bitch.

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(801): View more from Utah

Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?

(949): View more from California

1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.

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(563): View more from Iowa

YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI

(712): View more from Iowa

I CAN IF I WANT TO

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(613): View more from Ontario

excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.

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(518): View more from New York

Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical

(212): View more from New York

I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Everyone got an underage but her

(1-731): View more from Tennessee

How'd she get out of it?!

(731): View more from Tennessee

She hid in the FUCKING DRYER

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.

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(224): View more from Illinois

i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!

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(630): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese

(630): View more from Illinois

MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE

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(323): View more from California

She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.

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(925): View more from California

can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun

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(512): View more from Texas

I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong

(1-512): View more from Texas

Surrounded by smaller versions of the same

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(207): View more from Maine

the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party

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(314): View more from Missouri

He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.

(703): View more from Virginia

I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.

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(772): View more from Florida

So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.

(1-772): View more from Florida

That was random, even for you Mom.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.

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(713): View more from Texas

Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet

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(520): View more from Arizona

You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...

(914): View more from New York

Who is this......

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!

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(713): View more from Texas

Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS

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(239): View more from Florida

There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.

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(559): View more from California

This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.

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(845): View more from New York

We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Imagine not having to fake it.

(423): View more from Tennessee

Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.

(339): View more from Massachusetts

Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I think you're overestimating how drunk I was

(1-501): View more from Arkansas

You said your pillow felt like the ocean...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...

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(817): View more from Texas

She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.

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(907): View more from Alaska

why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?

(1-907): View more from Alaska

dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

dude where did you go last night?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

when the tequila says to run, you start running.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping

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(925): View more from California

Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy

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(301): View more from Maryland

Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.

(240): View more from Maryland

Sorry, who is this??

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(619): View more from California

Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2

(619): View more from California

Bring a helmet for your liver

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(226): View more from Ontario

Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..

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(208): View more from Idaho

The cops high fived after they tackled you

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(919): View more from North Carolina

idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?

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(517): View more from Michigan

Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.

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(631): View more from New York

Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

No idea hahaha...why?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.

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(850): View more from Florida

Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

as a side note pls kill me

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(714): View more from California

Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.

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(678): View more from Georgia

It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"

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(319): View more from Iowa

I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down

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(210): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas

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(650): View more from California

Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.

(415): View more from California

Retirement sounds fun.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES

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(305): View more from Florida

And then my night got REAL pukey

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons

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(540): View more from Virginia

Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards

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(773): View more from Illinois

I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night

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(843): View more from South Carolina

My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol

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(530): View more from California

She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me

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(229): View more from Georgia

I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is

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(870): View more from Arkansas

She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over

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(317): View more from Indiana

Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom

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(801): View more from Utah

My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.

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(540): View more from Virginia

He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.

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(317): View more from Indiana

That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No this is saxophone Chris

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(602): View more from Arizona

you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.

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(425): View more from Washington

I think my nap took me to another dimension

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.

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(540): View more from Virginia

(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed

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(719): View more from Colorado

I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm drinking too much free beer

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk

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(573): View more from Missouri

Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"

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(520): View more from Arizona

That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(402): View more from Nebraska

There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.

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(503): View more from Oregon

U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint

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(307): View more from Wyoming

At what part of the night did you guys leave?

(406): View more from Montana

After my hot tub cannonball.

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(970): View more from Colorado

he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...

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(334): View more from Alabama

i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.

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(661): View more from California

my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework

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(850): View more from Florida

It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"

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(240): View more from Maryland

Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak

(603): View more from New Hampshire

my vagina doesn't wear a watch

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(631): View more from New York

youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful

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(540): View more from Virginia

You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.

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(703): View more from Virginia

That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black

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(847): View more from Illinois

Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.

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(406): View more from Montana

this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here

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(913): View more from Kansas

The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.

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(905): View more from Ontario

He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this

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(585): View more from New York

I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak

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(916): View more from California

I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up

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(630): View more from Illinois

i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome

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(773): View more from Illinois

I think I sprained my soul last night

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.

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(406): View more from Montana

Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation

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(360): View more from Washington

Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?

(1-360): View more from Washington

I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(678): View more from Georgia

She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."

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(705): View more from Ontario

Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.

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(425): View more from Washington

There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.

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(210): View more from Texas

Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now

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(605): View more from South Dakota

it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps

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(913): View more from Kansas

How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

(913): View more from Kansas

1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

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(317): View more from Indiana

btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.

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(315): View more from New York

My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD

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(239): View more from Florida

I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural

(407): View more from Florida

YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT

(239): View more from Florida

..........

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon

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(503): View more from Oregon

i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running

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(253): View more from Washington

Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.

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(407): View more from Florida

Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump

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(407): View more from Florida

I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Happy Birhtday!

(289): View more from Ontario

Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!

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(804): View more from Virginia

Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"

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(727): View more from Florida

He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok

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(727): View more from Florida

I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.

(727): View more from Florida

I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'

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(720): View more from Colorado

This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.

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(512): View more from Texas

The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore

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(425): View more from Washington

I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.

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(510): View more from California

I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear

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(510): View more from California

I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Faces of meth called, they want their look back.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am

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(847): View more from Illinois

Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.

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(971): View more from Oregon

no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"

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(949): View more from California

Amanda bynes is my spirit animal

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

You mean maximum 5?

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(636): View more from Missouri

They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Locking that text forever.

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(310): View more from California

I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"

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(303): View more from Colorado

We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool

(1-303): View more from Colorado

We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?

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(317): View more from Indiana

I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Hey I found a cat!

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(573): View more from Missouri

I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON

(908): View more from New Jersey

Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise

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(707): View more from California

I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.

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(519): View more from Ontario

University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."

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(323): View more from California

Put some vodka in it

(424): View more from California

Its 7am

(323): View more from California

put some vodka in it

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What happened to my knees?

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics

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(303): View more from Colorado

WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one

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(208): View more from Idaho

Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.

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(310): View more from California

I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk

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(513): View more from Ohio

I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.

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(916): View more from California

What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum

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(972): View more from Texas

Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT

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(602): View more from Arizona

After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You left wolverine marks

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

I'm somewhere between sorry and proud

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

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(207): View more from Maine

My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.

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(469): View more from Texas

I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...

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(+39): View more from

scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.

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(631): View more from New York

He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.

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(734): View more from Michigan

You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon

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(917): View more from New York City

All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"

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(773): View more from Illinois

All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend

(1-775): View more from Nevada

I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman

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(775): View more from Nevada

Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Let me tell you the story of bicurious george

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(517): View more from Michigan

I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.

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(434): View more from Virginia

My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."

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(602): View more from Arizona

The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.

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(559): View more from California

I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.

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(818): View more from California

I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.

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(209): View more from California

Show him your tits if he says no

(1-209): View more from California

They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.

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(480): View more from Arizona

You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it

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(330): View more from Ohio

Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad

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(828): View more from North Carolina

It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it

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(515): View more from Iowa

We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.

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(954): View more from Florida

i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.

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(251): View more from Alabama

my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.

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(785): View more from Kansas

My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.

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(914): View more from New York

I had to rip your toilet paper for you...

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle

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(313): View more from Michigan

Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will

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(901): View more from Tennessee

This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.

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(541): View more from Oregon

One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

What the fuck, why would you ever do that?

(250): View more from British Columbia

Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?

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(530): View more from California

Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO

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(302): View more from Delaware

I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight

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(406): View more from Montana

Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.

(901): View more from Tennessee

I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.

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(817): View more from Texas

I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care

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(702): View more from Nevada

Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year

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(201): View more from New Jersey

This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard

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(503): View more from Oregon

Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?

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(937): View more from Ohio

BoomCity!!!

(1-937): View more from Ohio

You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.

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(214): View more from Texas

After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

omg mom no

(504): View more from Louisiana

It's so blood brotha crip what be good

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(937): View more from Ohio

I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.

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(315): View more from New York

We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.

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(765): View more from Indiana

So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted

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(843): View more from South Carolina

my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.

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(206): View more from Washington

So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion

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(407): View more from Florida

SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE

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(516): View more from New York

yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...

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(916): View more from California

That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.

(440): View more from Ohio

Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.

(304): View more from West Virginia

She seemed pretty into it.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.

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(614): View more from Ohio

And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Another day, another engagement, another cat

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(956): View more from Texas

You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"

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(716): View more from New York

He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt

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(225): View more from Louisiana

You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.

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(845): View more from New York

My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.

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(585): View more from New York

N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.

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(315): View more from New York

i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey

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(813): View more from Florida

This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.

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(623): View more from Arizona

You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'

(1-623): View more from Arizona

I thought I could.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial

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(303): View more from Colorado

And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.

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(760): View more from California

This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes

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(626): View more from California

AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN

(1-626): View more from California

we're fated to lesbian

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(515): View more from Iowa

At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.

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(269): View more from Michigan

We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.

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(805): View more from California

My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.

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(512): View more from Texas

We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."

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(925): View more from California

crossed #23 off the Slucket List!

(1-925): View more from California

YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.

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(703): View more from Virginia

And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?

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(707): View more from California

Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"

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(740): View more from Ohio

omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

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(515): View more from Iowa

We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.

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(954): View more from Florida

I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now

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(515): View more from Iowa

Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.

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(718): View more from New York

Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.

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(207): View more from Maine

I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Sunday is the day of rest.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.

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(415): View more from California

I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.

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(229): View more from Georgia

She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT

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(530): View more from California

red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.

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(727): View more from Florida

all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u

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(785): View more from Kansas

I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.

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(239): View more from Florida

Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.

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(469): View more from Texas

He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...

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(937): View more from Ohio

My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving

(706): View more from Georgia

Your blankets are not drunk friendly

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(727): View more from Florida

I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend

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(214): View more from Texas

One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.

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(518): View more from New York

Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!

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(913): View more from Kansas

I feel like a color. Like a wavy color

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(423): View more from Tennessee

This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i came on her dog

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(815): View more from Illinois

I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity

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(971): View more from Oregon

Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(205): View more from Alabama

A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.

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(916): View more from California

Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy

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(845): View more from New York

I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'

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(217): View more from Illinois

Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.

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(260): View more from Indiana

How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?

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(386): View more from Florida

I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever

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(662): View more from Mississippi

So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

In some strange universe, yes

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(305): View more from Florida

The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

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(206): View more from Washington

"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

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(207): View more from Maine

Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(619): View more from California

No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground

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(314): View more from Missouri

Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?

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(909): View more from California

I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.

(1-909): View more from California

Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.

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(360): View more from Washington

Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.

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(210): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.

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(716): View more from New York

The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

they're like a gay fantastic four

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(303): View more from Colorado

Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n

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(217): View more from Illinois

Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.

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(720): View more from Colorado

i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?

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(330): View more from Ohio

My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Now he's lighting his socks on fire

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(980): View more from North Carolina

when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

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(716): View more from New York

As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(407): View more from Florida

How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?

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(217): View more from Illinois

haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.

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(206): View more from Washington

Gong!

(1-253): View more from Washington

YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish

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(734): View more from Michigan

Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(303): View more from Colorado

mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him

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(+93): View more from

5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...

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(417): View more from Missouri

There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.

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(813): View more from Florida

If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.

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(772): View more from Florida

You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.

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(815): View more from Illinois

im sober

(920): View more from Wisconsin

you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive

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(702): View more from Nevada

She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew

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(772): View more from Florida

I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.

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(714): View more from California

I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed

(949): View more from California

Someone's stooooned

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(407): View more from Florida

I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...

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(808): View more from Hawaii

My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.

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(419): View more from Ohio

He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..

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(757): View more from Virginia

There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon

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(336): View more from North Carolina

MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.

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(207): View more from Maine

Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

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(951): View more from California

I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.

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(661): View more from California

Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The pigeons can smell the fear

(1+44): View more from

Wtf

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.

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(315): View more from New York

The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down

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(208): View more from Idaho

I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?

(1-208): View more from Idaho

Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.

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(510): View more from California

Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.

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(779): View more from Illinois

Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.

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(518): View more from New York

It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.

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(248): View more from Michigan

THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand

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(406): View more from Montana

She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"

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(913): View more from Kansas

You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

wtf

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(541): View more from Oregon

And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.

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(850): View more from Florida

I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.

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(904): View more from Florida

The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.

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(469): View more from Texas

You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.

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(626): View more from California

So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.

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(519): View more from Ontario

We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots

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(561): View more from Florida

There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage

(608): View more from Wisconsin

HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.

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(970): View more from Colorado

bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.

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(406): View more from Montana

All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.

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(757): View more from Virginia

SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(386): View more from Florida

Solid. Can't put a price on good times

(978): View more from Massachusetts

You can and it's called a liver.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.

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(207): View more from Maine

Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.

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(714): View more from California

Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made

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(707): View more from California

Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!

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(309): View more from Illinois

You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.

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(845): View more from New York

one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down

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(440): View more from Ohio

I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?

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(509): View more from Washington

So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.

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(239): View more from Florida

I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.

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(972): View more from Texas

I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.

(720): View more from Colorado

When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair

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(956): View more from Texas

Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere

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(734): View more from Michigan

WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES

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(201): View more from New Jersey

She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke

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(315): View more from New York

I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors

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(423): View more from Tennessee

animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

breakfast of champions

(423): View more from Tennessee

breakfast of stoners

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(303): View more from Colorado

Watching her eat just hurts me

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?

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(208): View more from Idaho

You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Let's drink?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.

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(818): View more from California

So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth

(323): View more from California

Gross

(818): View more from California

AN ACTUAL PICKLE

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(646): View more from New York

In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.

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(845): View more from New York

You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"

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(706): View more from Georgia

Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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(586): View more from Michigan

Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....

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(214): View more from Texas

I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty

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(703): View more from Virginia

I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times

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(908): View more from New Jersey

do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.

(224): View more from Illinois

Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.

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(613): View more from Ontario

somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.

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(269): View more from Michigan

did you hook up austin?

(248): View more from Michigan

No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed

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(512): View more from Texas

Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.

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(207): View more from Maine

I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone

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(970): View more from Colorado

Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.

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(626): View more from California

obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that

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(+27): View more from South Africa

we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.

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(607): View more from New York

No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(310): View more from California

Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself

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(847): View more from Illinois

Ong my arms are moving wo my consent

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(626): View more from California

I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner

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(334): View more from Alabama

If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes

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(915): View more from Texas

Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'

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(785): View more from Kansas

After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.

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(650): View more from California

from now on my penis is your penis

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(707): View more from California

OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.

(1-707): View more from California

Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.

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(248): View more from Michigan

brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You dont lie about slip and slides

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(773): View more from Illinois

What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.

(773): View more from Illinois

We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.

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(916): View more from California

I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi

(214): View more from Texas

ok, stay where you are, be there soon

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(631): View more from New York

So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.

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(620): View more from Kansas

He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

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(847): View more from Illinois

Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(303): View more from Colorado

Have you learned any life lessons?

(406): View more from Montana

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

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(217): View more from Illinois

Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS

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(303): View more from Colorado

nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ

(1-303): View more from Colorado

he is risen halelujah

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(817): View more from Texas

No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...

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(631): View more from New York

Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen

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(513): View more from Ohio

We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.

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(512): View more from Texas

scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck

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(303): View more from Colorado

I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?

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(830): View more from Texas

Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....

(774): View more from Massachusetts

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.

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(569): View more from

I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome

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(520): View more from Arizona

He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?

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(516): View more from New York

watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.

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(817): View more from Texas

he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?

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(647): View more from Ontario

I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.

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(925): View more from California

I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.

(1-925): View more from California

We just have a real special relationship.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.

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(417): View more from Missouri

It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.

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(214): View more from Texas

She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(425): View more from Washington

i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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(908): View more from New Jersey

btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.

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(916): View more from California

You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he told me I talked like a deaf person

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(317): View more from Indiana

It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

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(520): View more from Arizona

Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.

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(954): View more from Florida

I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?

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(432): View more from Texas

3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.

(1-432): View more from Texas

Erry day erry day!

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(720): View more from Colorado

I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.

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(310): View more from California

I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Are you high right now?

(1-228): View more from Mississippi

is that a question or a drake reference?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come

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(734): View more from Michigan

Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....

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(518): View more from New York

Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps

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(931): View more from Tennessee

his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

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(815): View more from Illinois

he ran through my sliding door

(1-815): View more from Illinois

in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers

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(404): View more from Georgia

Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.

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(949): View more from California

Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

(+48): View more from Poland

Poland

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(520): View more from Arizona

you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.

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