Texts From Last Night · russia44's Favorites

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russia44's Favorites Texts:

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

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(512): View more from Texas

her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

(1-512): View more from Texas

you motherfucker

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(619): View more from California

After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.

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(850): View more from Florida

He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair

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(713): View more from Texas

Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs

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(502): View more from Kentucky

dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.

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(806): View more from Texas

For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.

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(613): View more from Ontario

My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens

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(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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(801): View more from Utah

hey, what are you doing tonight?

(646): View more from New York

sleeping, g'night!

(801): View more from Utah

but i wanted to see you :(

(646): View more from New York

sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!

(646): View more from New York

stop - you have a right hand - use it!

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(708): View more from Illinois

I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to find a taint.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She went from zero to smokin in five shots

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

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(616): View more from Michigan

what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?

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(818): View more from California

Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?

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(+34): View more from Spain

what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30

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(419): View more from Ohio

So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1

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(317): View more from Indiana

You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(317): View more from Indiana

update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.

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(224): View more from Illinois

You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.

(630): View more from Illinois

Thats like the definition of a good friend

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.

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(216): View more from Ohio

6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

This is why we're friends.

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(406): View more from Montana

Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?

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(205): View more from Alabama

The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

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(818): View more from California

I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.

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(251): View more from Alabama

You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins

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(386): View more from Florida

It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.

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(646): View more from New York

So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You can't date a girl from every country.

(770): View more from Georgia

I'm the captain planet of women

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I wish life had little blips of pornography

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems

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(907): View more from Alaska

frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better

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(305): View more from Florida

Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.

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(352): View more from Florida

Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other

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(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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(816): View more from Missouri

YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!

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(513): View more from Ohio

i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore

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(516): View more from New York

Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites

(1-516): View more from New York

Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.

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(559): View more from California

i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games

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(240): View more from Maryland

He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.

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(205): View more from Alabama

It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

At least make sure they are 18

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Why

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(516): View more from New York

onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

(443): View more from Maryland

he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

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(217): View more from Illinois

How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.

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(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

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(818): View more from California

I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.

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(707): View more from California

Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.

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(562): View more from California

it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...

(316): View more from Kansas

Just the budget?

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(813): View more from Florida

Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

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(713): View more from Texas

The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me

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(302): View more from Delaware

when are you leaving homes?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

(302): View more from Delaware

I had a sex dream about Oprah.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

go back to sleep

(302): View more from Delaware

dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(609): View more from New Jersey

That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.

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(718): View more from New York

Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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(347): View more from New York

just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(802): View more from Vermont

Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.

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(415): View more from California

It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable

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(620): View more from Kansas

He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?

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