Texts From Last Night · serenes's Favorites

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serenes's Favorites Texts:

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry

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(937): View more from Ohio

Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat

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(315): View more from New York

WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.

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(631): View more from New York

Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I believe they call that patchouli.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina

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(708): View more from Illinois

we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.

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(434): View more from Virginia

They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.

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(325): View more from Texas

We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."

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(574): View more from Indiana

My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.

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(905): View more from Ontario

My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

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(305): View more from Florida

I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.

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(518): View more from New York

he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.

(732): View more from New Jersey

do you still have it? i kinda want to see.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.

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(407): View more from Florida

Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.

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(530): View more from California

That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.

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(+61): View more from Australia

It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it

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(812): View more from Indiana

I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.

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(407): View more from Florida

I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much

(352): View more from Florida

Like they're going to fly away?

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(845): View more from New York

I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"

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(563): View more from Iowa

Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.

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(510): View more from California

Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.

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(646): View more from New York

Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(313): View more from Michigan

At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?

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(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(585): View more from New York

This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?

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(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday

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(301): View more from Maryland

Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".

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(906): View more from Michigan

Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you

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(785): View more from Kansas

Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.

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(420): View more from

I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.

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(817): View more from Texas

Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

(214): View more from Texas

Does it taste like semen?

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(903): View more from Texas

He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.

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(970): View more from Colorado

You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator

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(910): View more from North Carolina

The strip club called, they have your shoe.

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(727): View more from Florida

found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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(678): View more from Georgia

I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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(703): View more from Virginia

There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.

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(406): View more from Montana

She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??

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(970): View more from Colorado

I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big

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(417): View more from Missouri

so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night

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(815): View more from Illinois

im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

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(903): View more from Texas

If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.

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(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

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(214): View more from Texas

could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?

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(214): View more from Texas

One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg

(920): View more from Wisconsin

Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha

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(303): View more from Colorado

We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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(425): View more from Washington

i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine

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(845): View more from New York

I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?

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(904): View more from Florida

So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.

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(513): View more from Ohio

New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

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(585): View more from New York

any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.

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(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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(425): View more from Washington

I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break

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(229): View more from Georgia

Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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serenes's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

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