Texts From Last Night · short

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(502): View more from Kentucky

like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad

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(519): View more from Ontario

Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning

(416): View more from Toronto

Thats for me to know and you to find out.

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(541): View more from Oregon

No worries I have vodka. Its always on time

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(573): View more from Missouri

She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Sex is clearly the solution either way.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?

(330): View more from Ohio

Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.

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(407): View more from Florida

Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I have a broken liver

(1-575): View more from New Mexico

I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I thought you were single?

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.

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(214): View more from Texas

You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup

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(650): View more from California

I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.

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(518): View more from New York

I can't help that I bring out the sex in people

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.

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(480): View more from Arizona

There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.

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(503): View more from Oregon

So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.

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(914): View more from New York

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?

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(818): View more from California

what are you going as for halloween?

(805): View more from California

drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable

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(613): View more from Ontario

We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends

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(815): View more from Illinois

I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak

(603): View more from New Hampshire

my vagina doesn't wear a watch

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(+61): View more from Australia

I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.

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(406): View more from Montana

That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!

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(513): View more from Ohio

Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

So when can I meet her?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY

(618): View more from Illinois

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?

(952): View more from Minnesota

The D is nonnegotable.

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(585): View more from New York

You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….

(716): View more from New York

...Then...

(585): View more from New York

Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one

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(406): View more from Montana

Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced

(1-406): View more from Montana

Way to crack the case Nancy Drew

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(404): View more from Georgia

Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka

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(727): View more from Florida

Why were you not born a dude?

(1-727): View more from Florida

Because god wanted to level the playing field

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(407): View more from Florida

I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.

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(407): View more from Florida

You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.

(240): View more from Maryland

Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.

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(406): View more from Montana

I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.

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(407): View more from Florida

Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.

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(903): View more from Texas

She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".

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(936): View more from Texas

If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore are you.

(301): View more from Maryland

Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes.

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(207): View more from Maine

You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?

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(320): View more from Minnesota

For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

The apocalypse has arrived.

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(503): View more from Oregon

So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!

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(607): View more from New York

It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the liver wants what the liver wants

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(810): View more from Michigan

Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

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(954): View more from Florida

A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.

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(562): View more from California

I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day

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(928): View more from Arizona

Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.

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(707): View more from California

I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.

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(707): View more from California

People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Is this a drinking picnic?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Is there another kind?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.

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(850): View more from Florida

Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of

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(561): View more from Florida

Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?

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(757): View more from Virginia

She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.

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(416): View more from Toronto

cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.

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(850): View more from Florida

Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!

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(773): View more from Illinois

Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?

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(+61): View more from Australia

You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.

(1+61): View more from

Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?

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(925): View more from California

i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Something about Sunday night screams phone sex

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.

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(310): View more from California

When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My vag is like the Sahara

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Ew that's gross.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The sad truth. Barren and empty.

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(281): View more from Texas

Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.

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(708): View more from Illinois

What are you doing and how can I add sex in there

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms

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(770): View more from Georgia

good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(206): View more from Washington

What should I wear?

(808): View more from Hawaii

Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar

(206): View more from Washington

I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.

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(936): View more from Texas

You can't call dibs 8 years later.

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(509): View more from Washington

Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.

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(801): View more from Utah

stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation

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(404): View more from Georgia

All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.

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(928): View more from Arizona

He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.

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(661): View more from California

The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.

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(716): View more from New York

I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.

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(619): View more from California

Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.

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(289): View more from Ontario

You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.

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(406): View more from Montana

It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

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(903): View more from Texas

I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'

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(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"

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(713): View more from Texas

Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .

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(949): View more from California

My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.

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(805): View more from California

I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.

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(727): View more from Florida

Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.

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(254): View more from Texas

There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.

(512): View more from Texas

That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.

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(518): View more from New York

I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.

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(301): View more from Maryland

did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15

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(703): View more from Virginia

Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .

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(563): View more from Iowa

I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast

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(631): View more from New York

He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.

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(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(213): View more from California

there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.

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(317): View more from Indiana

We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt

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(501): View more from Arkansas

These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME

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(361): View more from Texas

I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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(763): View more from Minnesota

i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday

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(330): View more from Ohio

He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.

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(206): View more from Washington

Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.

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(714): View more from California

Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.

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(705): View more from Ontario

You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.

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(216): View more from Ohio

You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday

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