Texts From Last Night · sl6563's Favorites

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sl6563's Favorites Texts:

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads

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(440): View more from Ohio

I just did the classiest thing ever.

(216): View more from Ohio

last time you said that you got chlamydia.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth

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(914): View more from New York

Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video

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(319): View more from Iowa

yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.

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(206): View more from Washington

Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?

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(310): View more from California

it's too hot outside to masturbate.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.

(1-731): View more from Tennessee

ohh what kind?

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(818): View more from California

Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off

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(+44): View more from England

Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.

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(954): View more from Florida

Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.

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(310): View more from California

So how was last night?

(1-310): View more from California

Let's just say I danced with the devil

(310): View more from California

Huh?

(1-310): View more from California

I'm going to Hell for sure

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(310): View more from California

Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?

(770): View more from Georgia

b/c u have herpes

(310): View more from California

No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.

(1-620): View more from Kansas

No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.

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(310): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?

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(330): View more from Ohio

just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings

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(785): View more from Kansas

So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?

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(909): View more from California

You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie

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(631): View more from New York

Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.

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(813): View more from Florida

I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

ok, come over...I have doritos

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(313): View more from Michigan

oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing

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(310): View more from California

so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?

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(817): View more from Texas

i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole

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(303): View more from Colorado

do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???

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(516): View more from New York

It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand

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(240): View more from Maryland

I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!

(301): View more from Maryland

OMG! Ew.

(240): View more from Maryland

Lucky Dad.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms

(712): View more from Iowa

Oh God

(515): View more from Iowa

I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship

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(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.

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(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

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(239): View more from Florida

I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

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(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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(650): View more from California

I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.

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(317): View more from Indiana

he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed

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(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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(305): View more from Florida

we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

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(256): View more from Alabama

so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

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(941): View more from Florida

I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.

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(248): View more from Michigan

They have a pepper shaker for pot.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(561): View more from Florida

Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(816): View more from Missouri

is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex

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(646): View more from New York

He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.

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(541): View more from Oregon

he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him

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(614): View more from Ohio

So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.

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(207): View more from Maine

i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont even know how to be here

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(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

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(234): View more from Ohio

No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.

(387): View more from

I don't know what to judge you more for.

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(941): View more from Florida

My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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(219): View more from Indiana

i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

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(631): View more from New York

this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

u sound so gay right now

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(845): View more from New York

that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...

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(786): View more from Florida

All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

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(913): View more from Kansas

Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.

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(518): View more from New York

idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever

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(989): View more from Michigan

I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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(903): View more from Texas

The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

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(770): View more from Georgia

i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.

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(678): View more from Georgia

i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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(559): View more from California

Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(309): View more from Illinois

i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who'd you have sex with.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.

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(438): View more from Quebec

that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage

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(872): View more from Illinois

mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning

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(925): View more from California

Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk

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(618): View more from Illinois

So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A

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(303): View more from Colorado

No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell

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(435): View more from Utah

it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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(310): View more from California

You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

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(613): View more from Ontario

Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

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(714): View more from California

He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher

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(860): View more from Connecticut

And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(214): View more from Texas

How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?

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(602): View more from Arizona

So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.

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(917): View more from New York City

found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

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(917): View more from New York City

hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father

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(845): View more from New York

How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"

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(951): View more from California

I didn't know people actually cried after sex.

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(914): View more from New York

I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.

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(607): View more from New York

she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper

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(419): View more from Ohio

vegan vag taste different. and not a good different

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(559): View more from California

I queefed so loud it echoed.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.

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(425): View more from Washington

Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm

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(919): View more from North Carolina

okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.

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(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

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(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.

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(707): View more from California

He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good

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(573): View more from Missouri

just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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