Texts From Last Night · tacker96's Favorites

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tacker96's Favorites Texts:

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(416): View more from Toronto

Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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(614): View more from Ohio

at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.

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(574): View more from Indiana

should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!

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(778): View more from British Columbia

This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.

(604): View more from British Columbia

I DIDNT GET FINGERED

(604): View more from British Columbia

I was rubbed

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(540): View more from Virginia

please bring me a paper towel asap.

(540): View more from Virginia

I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.

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(408): View more from California

sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

...i wondered where i left that...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?

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(410): View more from Maryland

ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa

(603): View more from New Hampshire

I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...

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(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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(347): View more from New York

I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.

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(435): View more from Utah

he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone

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(256): View more from Alabama

Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off

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(813): View more from Florida

she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter

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(631): View more from New York

I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?

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(210): View more from Texas

Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.

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(315): View more from New York

hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.

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(914): View more from New York

Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class

(1-914): View more from New York

that is WHY your in summer classes

(914): View more from New York

worth it

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(713): View more from Texas

That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.

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(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm

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(908): View more from New Jersey

her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea

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(519): View more from Ontario

He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.

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(713): View more from Texas

Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.

(616): View more from Michigan

I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink

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(970): View more from Colorado

But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.

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(760): View more from California

I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I demand visitation hours with the duck.

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(623): View more from Arizona

You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

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(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors

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(563): View more from Iowa

I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

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(727): View more from Florida

and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

and you succeeded.

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(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...

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(213): View more from California

there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.

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(406): View more from Montana

She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??

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(575): View more from New Mexico

you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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(620): View more from Kansas

You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Soup is delicious

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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(563): View more from Iowa

She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(712): View more from Iowa

in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.

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(845): View more from New York

well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back

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(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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(519): View more from Ontario

It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.

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(817): View more from Texas

I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.

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(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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(647): View more from Ontario

she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener

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(815): View more from Illinois

im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

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(716): View more from New York

Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

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(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.

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(682): View more from Texas

Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported

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(954): View more from Florida

Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(510): View more from California

no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.

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(937): View more from Ohio

All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely

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(865): View more from Tennessee

If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

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(530): View more from California

We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.

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(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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(205): View more from Alabama

he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...

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(856): View more from New Jersey

we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave

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(905): View more from Ontario

something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance

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(703): View more from Virginia

If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?

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(512): View more from Texas

that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...

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(315): View more from New York

mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?

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(928): View more from Arizona

Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.

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(817): View more from Texas

Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."

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(281): View more from Texas

my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family

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(914): View more from New York

all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is

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(619): View more from California

surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...

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(936): View more from Texas

Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.

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(727): View more from Florida

Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh

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(516): View more from New York

Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads

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(613): View more from Ontario

You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.

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(619): View more from California

You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...

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(425): View more from Washington

You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap

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(647): View more from Ontario

i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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(520): View more from Arizona

He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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(315): View more from New York

Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself

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(513): View more from Ohio

i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.

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(812): View more from Indiana

We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".

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(847): View more from Illinois

No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.

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(562): View more from California

she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night

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(904): View more from Florida

naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.

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(786): View more from Florida

You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.

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(607): View more from New York

He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges

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(908): View more from New Jersey

...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.

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(302): View more from Delaware

She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Some one left their pants in the elevator.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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(917): View more from New York City

Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

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(410): View more from Maryland

she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

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(760): View more from California

Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

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(816): View more from Missouri

at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.

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(407): View more from Florida

we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what to do

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

with your life?

(732): View more from New Jersey

no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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(512): View more from Texas

and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(831): View more from California

So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

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(353): View more from

When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head

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(239): View more from Florida

My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.

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(303): View more from Colorado

erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on

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(519): View more from Ontario

and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position

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(313): View more from Michigan

The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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(561): View more from Florida

so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

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(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

I'll google it

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(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(313): View more from Michigan

She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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(315): View more from New York

I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(512): View more from Texas

You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."

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(602): View more from Arizona

so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

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(361): View more from Texas

Did i throw a brick at someone last night?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(319): View more from Iowa

he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"

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(914): View more from New York

It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My face left an imprint in the loaf...

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(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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