Texts From Last Night · BigglesJunior's Favorites

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BigglesJunior's Favorites Texts:

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(314): View more from Missouri

And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...

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(646): View more from New York

If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better

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(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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(415): View more from California

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

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(805): View more from California

What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

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(972): View more from Texas

I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(239): View more from Florida

Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bad breakup?

(1-410): View more from Maryland

He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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(917): View more from New York City

But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore

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(310): View more from California

Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

(312): View more from Illinois

Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"

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(757): View more from Virginia

Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

(201): View more from New Jersey

hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

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(980): View more from North Carolina

You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

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(845): View more from New York

felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(775): View more from Nevada

Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

What!?!?! How are you txting?!

(775): View more from Nevada

Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.

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(757): View more from Virginia

hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood

(540): View more from Virginia

pics

(757): View more from Virginia

no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

(617): View more from Massachusetts

that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

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(510): View more from California

I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

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(541): View more from Oregon

No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

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(941): View more from Florida

I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off

(1-941): View more from Florida

Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS

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(248): View more from Michigan

Update, blind date is cute and fun.

(248): View more from Michigan

Scratch that, blind date just threw up.

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(415): View more from California

I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): View more from California

I hope so

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(707): View more from California

Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.

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(510): View more from California

Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(630): View more from Illinois

Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

(312): View more from Illinois

Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

(630): View more from Illinois

I love you bro

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.

(910): View more from North Carolina

im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325

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(417): View more from Missouri

Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?

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(773): View more from Illinois

I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.

(708): View more from Illinois

Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

you can....by speaking....

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(914): View more from New York

If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

somebody snuck up and got me drunk

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.

(1-623): View more from Arizona

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.

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(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow

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(614): View more from Ohio

Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic

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(518): View more from New York

Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Shut up. I did not.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

I really wish I was making that up.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex

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(714): View more from California

im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.

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(904): View more from Florida

i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

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(703): View more from Virginia

The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.

(703): View more from Virginia

The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(415): View more from California

i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.

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(503): View more from Oregon

All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.

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(914): View more from New York

Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best

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(716): View more from New York

I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

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(406): View more from Montana

She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

(409): View more from Texas

That was definitely the right answer.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.

(847): View more from Illinois

Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So do you want to come over? ;)

(763): View more from Minnesota

Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.

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(519): View more from Ontario

It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.

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(443): View more from Maryland

her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"

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(540): View more from Virginia

i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!

(804): View more from Virginia

a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.

(804): View more from Virginia

That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.

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(253): View more from Washington

If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(410): View more from Maryland

She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(303): View more from Colorado

His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

(518): View more from New York

So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Ew! He's just a child!

(361): View more from Texas

AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(806): View more from Texas

No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Yea well when i pee it makes steam.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.

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(229): View more from Georgia

It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(518): View more from New York

You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(716): View more from New York

Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

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(434): View more from Virginia

he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.

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(706): View more from Georgia

don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(510): View more from California

I'm trying to make a sex playlist

(916): View more from California

record yourself crying and put it on a loop.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course

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(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.

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(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.

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(435): View more from Utah

Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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(408): View more from California

This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.

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(540): View more from Virginia

You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

and you succeeded.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(716): View more from New York

Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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