Texts From Last Night · agc's Favorites

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(425): View more from Washington

I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"

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(516): View more from New York

and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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(585): View more from New York

we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist

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(732): View more from New Jersey

no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck

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(204): View more from Manitoba

My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash

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(845): View more from New York

u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap

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(619): View more from California

all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank

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(626): View more from California

You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(425): View more from Washington

Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.

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(607): View more from New York

i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...

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(812): View more from Indiana

How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis

(757): View more from Virginia

your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.

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(425): View more from Washington

Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(410): View more from Maryland

In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex

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(416): View more from Ontario

Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.

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(585): View more from New York

broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

(716): View more from New York

you're writing country songs now?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's a girl!!

(614): View more from Ohio

That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years

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(407): View more from Florida

he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him

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(410): View more from Maryland

:)

(443): View more from Maryland

Wipe that smile off your face.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.

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(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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(334): View more from Alabama

Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"

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(646): View more from New York

jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".

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(561): View more from Florida

We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

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(856): View more from New Jersey

unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.

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(818): View more from California

She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.

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(716): View more from New York

I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(305): View more from Florida

false alarm. still invincible.

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(847): View more from Illinois

sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.

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(805): View more from California

the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home

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(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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(386): View more from Florida

I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.

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(757): View more from Virginia

if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby

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(703): View more from Virginia

im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(650): View more from California

We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign

(562): View more from California

You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away

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(925): View more from California

can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet

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(760): View more from California

Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life

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(314): View more from Missouri

I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives

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(347): View more from New York

I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm skeptical of all drag queens.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(443): View more from Maryland

party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now

(604): View more from British Columbia

That's weird, I usually just count sheep

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(734): View more from Michigan

Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.

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(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B

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(313): View more from Michigan

i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I thought she had blonde hair

(302): View more from Delaware

No, Gonorrhea actually

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(503): View more from Oregon

i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!

(360): View more from Washington

let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Remember that time you hooked up with him?

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(480): View more from Arizona

U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together

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(546): View more from

Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She is in my trunk

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

yo i have your phone

(202): View more from Washington, DC

... oh so you probably won't get this message

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(804): View more from Virginia

No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.

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(079): View more from

I think we need to take a brake

(078): View more from

What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one

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(847): View more from Illinois

i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

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(360): View more from Washington

I don't think brook has ever known best

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(708): View more from Illinois

We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.

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(951): View more from California

hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.

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(585): View more from New York

This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on

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(571): View more from Virginia

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT

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(530): View more from California

You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

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(585): View more from New York

i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject

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(310): View more from California

Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(303): View more from Colorado

There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?

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(312): View more from Illinois

i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.

(352): View more from Florida

Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.

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(904): View more from Florida

im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!

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(973): View more from New Jersey

RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

(908): View more from New Jersey

dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

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(727): View more from Florida

I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went

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(613): View more from Ontario

I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

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(585): View more from New York

im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(217): View more from Illinois

some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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