Texts From Last Night · lilfav89's Favorites

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lilfav89's Favorites Texts:

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.

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(714): View more from California

She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how

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(270): View more from Kentucky

my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy

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(585): View more from New York

By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?

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(719): View more from Colorado

He's a Shit stain on my heart

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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(631): View more from New York

So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.

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(815): View more from Illinois

This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.

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(813): View more from Florida

The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps

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(310): View more from California

I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.

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(850): View more from Florida

Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday

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(806): View more from Texas

No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?

(859): View more from Kentucky

i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.

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(989): View more from Michigan

TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND

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(260): View more from Indiana

After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.

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(813): View more from Florida

I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive

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(410): View more from Maryland

So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.

(443): View more from Maryland

YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?

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(714): View more from California

You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.

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(515): View more from Iowa

You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(937): View more from Ohio

You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.

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(253): View more from Washington

Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex

(206): View more from Washington

Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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(541): View more from Oregon

Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

I like the way you think.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(631): View more from New York

You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles

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(224): View more from Illinois

woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training

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(205): View more from Alabama

Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after

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(916): View more from California

Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.

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(407): View more from Florida

I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit

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(315): View more from New York

Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...

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(214): View more from Texas

um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.

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(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive

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(808): View more from Hawaii

she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous

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(971): View more from Oregon

eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight

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(308): View more from Nebraska

You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.

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(971): View more from Oregon

We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...

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(770): View more from Georgia

I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.

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(207): View more from Maine

She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

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(620): View more from Kansas

I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(650): View more from California

i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.

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(650): View more from California

Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers

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(517): View more from Michigan

new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(410): View more from Maryland

new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.

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(410): View more from Maryland

she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(206): View more from Washington

That's why there are breakfast margaritas.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level

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(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(502): View more from Kentucky

if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it

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(914): View more from New York

Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?

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(251): View more from Alabama

As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"

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(623): View more from Arizona

I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.

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(907): View more from Alaska

My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage

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(203): View more from Connecticut

tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Clothes are such an inconvenience.

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(831): View more from California

Don't EVER smell your tampon

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(850): View more from Florida

some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.

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(940): View more from Texas

nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester

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(905): View more from Ontario

Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech

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(303): View more from Colorado

i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter

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(248): View more from Michigan

no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.

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(206): View more from Washington

weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions

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(862): View more from New Jersey

this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(847): View more from Illinois

Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(563): View more from Iowa

How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?

(1-563): View more from Iowa

The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.

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(559): View more from California

I queefed so loud it echoed.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family

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(315): View more from New York

playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps

(315): View more from New York

warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(310): View more from California

someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.

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(248): View more from Michigan

They have a pepper shaker for pot.

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(561): View more from Florida

george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(240): View more from Maryland

just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(845): View more from New York

I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

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(815): View more from Illinois

I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

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(757): View more from Virginia

everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.

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(281): View more from Texas

I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.

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(714): View more from California

Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

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(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow

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(716): View more from New York

God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture

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(303): View more from Colorado

Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.

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(917): View more from New York City

had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.

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(630): View more from Illinois

note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning

(1-217): View more from Illinois

didn't feel it. :)

(217): View more from Illinois

It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wait what? so it's not in america?

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(256): View more from Alabama

Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.

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(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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(760): View more from California

I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass

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