Texts From Last Night · mazerati's Favorites

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mazerati's Favorites Texts:

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour

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(630): View more from Illinois

Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.

(309): View more from Illinois

I'm bringing the tv in with me.

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(631): View more from New York

I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle

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(512): View more from Texas

We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.

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(+33): View more from France

He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE

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(843): View more from South Carolina

What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.

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(917): View more from New York City

She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic

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(714): View more from California

Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Did I change midway through last night?

(206): View more from Washington

Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.

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(315): View more from New York

I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.

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(925): View more from California

I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched

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(830): View more from Texas

we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

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(631): View more from New York

But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND

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(972): View more from Texas

I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown

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(302): View more from Delaware

Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(937): View more from Ohio

What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(914): View more from New York

All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.

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(214): View more from Texas

So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

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(817): View more from Texas

Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.

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(224): View more from Illinois

My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.

(312): View more from Illinois

Elaborate

(224): View more from Illinois

Strip Mario-Kart

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(916): View more from California

Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.

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(314): View more from Missouri

CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED

(+04): View more from

Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.

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(214): View more from Texas

Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?

(281): View more from Texas

If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"

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(801): View more from Utah

When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(585): View more from New York

And I feel bad.

(716): View more from New York

Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?

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(207): View more from Maine

She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight

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(407): View more from Florida

Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.

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(310): View more from California

so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen

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(317): View more from Indiana

Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.

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(574): View more from Indiana

how does Santa get into Hogwarts?

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(712): View more from Iowa

I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

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(914): View more from New York

We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(407): View more from Florida

I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much

(352): View more from Florida

Like they're going to fly away?

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(256): View more from Alabama

I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.

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(613): View more from Ontario

So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.

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(714): View more from California

dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(540): View more from Virginia

'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"

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(254): View more from Texas

There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator

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(716): View more from New York

As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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(408): View more from California

I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.

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(540): View more from Virginia

she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(217): View more from Illinois

I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

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(716): View more from New York

just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night

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(661): View more from California

He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!

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(941): View more from Florida

Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

(910): View more from North Carolina

That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

(770): View more from Georgia

Touche.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

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(352): View more from Florida

I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.

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(214): View more from Texas

If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup

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(404): View more from Georgia

she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.

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(916): View more from California

The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.

(1-916): View more from California

Try oodles of noodles this time.

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(812): View more from Indiana

How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We should reintroduce naked Mondays

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(253): View more from Washington

I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(314): View more from Missouri

handjob tips. give me some.

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(254): View more from Texas

You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.

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(562): View more from California

It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.

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(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.

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(517): View more from Michigan

areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!

(616): View more from Michigan

you srsly need to quit going to that bar

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(520): View more from Arizona

They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"

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(903): View more from Texas

Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.

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(954): View more from Florida

STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

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(858): View more from California

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(620): View more from Kansas

He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.

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(480): View more from Arizona

West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH

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(254): View more from Texas

that's what penises do

(254): View more from Texas

they tell lies.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.

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(214): View more from Texas

You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.

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(847): View more from Illinois

In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her

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(972): View more from Texas

the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.

(214): View more from Texas

elevator sex. pronto.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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(616): View more from Michigan

On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.

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(219): View more from Indiana

about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?

(219): View more from Indiana

yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?

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(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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(513): View more from Ohio

2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.

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(313): View more from Michigan

ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.

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(317): View more from Indiana

So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

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(480): View more from Arizona

Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth

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(210): View more from Texas

If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

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(214): View more from Texas

I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.

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(540): View more from Virginia

what do you have against ST

(1-540): View more from Virginia

DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.

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(425): View more from Washington

He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck now we have to have sex

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

What?

(203): View more from Connecticut

In a bet, need to win

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Rock

(630): View more from Illinois

Scissors

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuck

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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(323): View more from California

I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally

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(818): View more from California

Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob

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(310): View more from California

Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!

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(440): View more from Ohio

Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?

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(281): View more from Texas

Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.

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(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

(214): View more from Texas

Does it taste like semen?

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