Texts From Last Night · uk1n1mc's Favorites

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(563): View more from Iowa

You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who is canola oil?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you're an idiot.

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(469): View more from Texas

Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?

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(650): View more from California

dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning

(805): View more from California

1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.

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(213): View more from California

My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."

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(919): View more from North Carolina

what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

"bouncy castle"

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(323): View more from California

The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.

(1-323): View more from California

Did you put it in the freezer again?

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(386): View more from Florida

I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.

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(619): View more from California

I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw

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(805): View more from California

I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa

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(+61): View more from Australia

You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance

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(813): View more from Florida

Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.

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(443): View more from Maryland

ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.

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(636): View more from Missouri

we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"

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(907): View more from Alaska

He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(904): View more from Florida

How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.

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(514): View more from Quebec

i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them

(514): View more from Quebec

the remaining ten - you weren't in

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(210): View more from Texas

Hey it's Austin.

(254): View more from Texas

I am not drunk enough for this conversation.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.

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(518): View more from New York

i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur

(413): View more from Massachusetts

did it start talking like on Land before time?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

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(847): View more from Illinois

My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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(812): View more from Indiana

I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament

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(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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(520): View more from Arizona

He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

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(972): View more from Texas

Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"

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(614): View more from Ohio

He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys

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(650): View more from California

I feel great

(650): View more from California

I just peed on a car

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(415): View more from California

how hairy? two words: wookie tits

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(319): View more from Iowa

Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers

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(614): View more from Ohio

Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...

(1-614): View more from Ohio

FUCK YOU.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.

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(817): View more from Texas

I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.

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(540): View more from Virginia

She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her

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(516): View more from New York

Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(714): View more from California

Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

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(815): View more from Illinois

yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything

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(714): View more from California

the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?

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(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot

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(937): View more from Ohio

how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?

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(281): View more from Texas

I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

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(816): View more from Missouri

If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(101): View more from

Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(613): View more from Ontario

I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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(989): View more from Michigan

News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"

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(626): View more from California

What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?

(1-626): View more from California

You have mice?

(626): View more from California

no why?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?

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(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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(206): View more from Washington

Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.

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(775): View more from Nevada

She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.

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(517): View more from Michigan

He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(425): View more from Washington

He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...

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(917): View more from New York City

i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.

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(520): View more from Arizona

she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"

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(252): View more from North Carolina

she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i can juggle bunnies

(1-802): View more from Vermont

cool

(802): View more from Vermont

on fire

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!

(1-404): View more from Georgia

what drugs are you on?

(404): View more from Georgia

none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later

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(614): View more from Ohio

She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.

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(559): View more from California

Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.

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(416): View more from Toronto

thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks

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(281): View more from Texas

I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.

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(703): View more from Virginia

To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".

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(914): View more from New York

You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.

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(319): View more from Iowa

My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.

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(618): View more from Illinois

You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.

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(719): View more from Colorado

No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future

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(630): View more from Illinois

btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

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(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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(614): View more from Ohio

All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months

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(410): View more from Maryland

She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family

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(970): View more from Colorado

He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys

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(443): View more from Maryland

i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's

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(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.

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(443): View more from Maryland

we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I want your puppy

(507): View more from Minnesota

I meant pussy

(612): View more from Minnesota

I would rather you take my puppy

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(407): View more from Florida

me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(406): View more from Montana

It was just a squirrel

(253): View more from Washington

You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

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(250): View more from British Columbia

she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

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(914): View more from New York

he puts the penis in happiness.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"

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(903): View more from Texas

I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.

(214): View more from Texas

It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!

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(913): View more from Kansas

When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.

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(801): View more from Utah

Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card

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(518): View more from New York

Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.

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(408): View more from California

that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge

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(734): View more from Michigan

I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Shittttttt.

(734): View more from Michigan

Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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(315): View more from New York

i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(706): View more from Georgia

saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.

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(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(914): View more from New York

i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

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(330): View more from Ohio

It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.

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