Texts From Last Night · warmwaffles's Favorites

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(843): View more from South Carolina

When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...

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(530): View more from California

Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.

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(614): View more from Ohio

And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"

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(613): View more from Ontario

She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?

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(650): View more from California

At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe

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(+61): View more from Australia

It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.

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(206): View more from Washington

But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did

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(210): View more from Texas

Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(208): View more from Idaho

And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero

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(310): View more from California

It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

(415): View more from California

That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

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(309): View more from Illinois

he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'

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(925): View more from California

I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it

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(519): View more from Ontario

There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..

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(954): View more from Florida

These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.

(1-954): View more from Florida

Marco

(954): View more from Florida

Polo

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(614): View more from Ohio

Way to ruin everything

(304): View more from West Virginia

I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid

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(419): View more from Ohio

Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

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(937): View more from Ohio

My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Who is this?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue

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(254): View more from Texas

You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.

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(773): View more from Illinois

the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.

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(903): View more from Texas

Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.

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(573): View more from Missouri

We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...

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(317): View more from Indiana

The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.

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(206): View more from Washington

Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"

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(360): View more from Washington

We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.

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(216): View more from Ohio

another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.

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(50): View more from

I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.

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(916): View more from California

I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up

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(812): View more from Indiana

Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Trying to grind with crutches was not a success

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(802): View more from Vermont

lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.

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(+61): View more from Australia

can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room

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(225): View more from Louisiana

we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(303): View more from Colorado

They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.

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(806): View more from Texas

I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.

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(619): View more from California

His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.

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(817): View more from Texas

We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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(319): View more from Iowa

i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself

(612): View more from Minnesota

It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers

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(239): View more from Florida

I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom

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(678): View more from Georgia

Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?

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(+61): View more from Australia

You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.

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(360): View more from Washington

It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??

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(806): View more from Texas

He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.

(1-806): View more from Texas

I feel like you never had a virginity..

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(630): View more from Illinois

I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS

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(208): View more from Idaho

This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.

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(616): View more from Michigan

someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub

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(214): View more from Texas

Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.

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(231): View more from Michigan

You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches

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(516): View more from New York

I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card

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(703): View more from Virginia

I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later

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(714): View more from California

I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(519): View more from Ontario

I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer

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(206): View more from Washington

I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table

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(909): View more from California

Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.

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(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(916): View more from California

let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.

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(469): View more from Texas

on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone

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(818): View more from California

That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.

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(214): View more from Texas

Come over. Drunk tacos.

(1-214): View more from Texas

That isn't even a sentence.

(214): View more from Texas

I kept the important parts.

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(352): View more from Florida

I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.

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(425): View more from Washington

He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

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(408): View more from California

I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete

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(313): View more from Michigan

Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now

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(716): View more from New York

she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper

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(925): View more from California

she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"

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(940): View more from Texas

he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I believe some people would call last night an orgy.

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(425): View more from Washington

Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.

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(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

(416): View more from Toronto

That's about an "8" on normal scales.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out

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(425): View more from Washington

She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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(562): View more from California

I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.

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(512): View more from Texas

She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.

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(313): View more from Michigan

At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?

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(406): View more from Montana

you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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(435): View more from Utah

Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(904): View more from Florida

Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.

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(317): View more from Indiana

So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

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(604): View more from British Columbia

There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.

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(503): View more from Oregon

bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?

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(226): View more from Ontario

forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

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(209): View more from California

I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.

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(352): View more from Florida

Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

(1-352): View more from Florida

What?

(352): View more from Florida

Just dont open the beer drawer.

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(319): View more from Iowa

he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My face left an imprint in the loaf...

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(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Why are you covered in frosting?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.

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