Texts From Last Night · 3knucklesdeep's Favorites

3knucklesdeep's Favorites Texts:

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(541): View more from Oregon

ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack

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(402): View more from Nebraska

you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls

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(620): View more from Kansas

Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.

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(678): View more from Georgia

All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.

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(360): View more from Washington

we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip

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(573): View more from Missouri

If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing

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(425): View more from Washington

Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?

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(217): View more from Illinois

I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(661): View more from California

I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.

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(904): View more from Florida

whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.

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(810): View more from Michigan

RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.

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(801): View more from Utah

I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.

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(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls

(702): View more from Nevada

Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter

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(912): View more from Georgia

He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.

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(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail

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(714): View more from California

The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.

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(716): View more from New York

she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.

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(619): View more from California

I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.

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(850): View more from Florida

Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.

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(406): View more from Montana

As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(415): View more from California

She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.

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(863): View more from Florida

Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.

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(210): View more from Texas

If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?

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(801): View more from Utah

stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation

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(614): View more from Ohio

This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?

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(831): View more from California

She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs

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(407): View more from Florida

I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE

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(313): View more from Michigan

There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

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(440): View more from Ohio

im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.

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(727): View more from Florida

You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.

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(913): View more from Kansas

If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway

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(719): View more from Colorado

Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.

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(706): View more from Georgia

thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.

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(239): View more from Florida

Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does

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(727): View more from Florida

found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before

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(416): View more from Toronto

Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training

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(630): View more from Illinois

This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP

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(517): View more from Michigan

She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.

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(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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(815): View more from Illinois

Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast

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(805): View more from California

Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

(1-805): View more from California

Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

First class.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(305): View more from Florida

I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy

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(217): View more from Illinois

This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher

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(504): View more from Louisiana

ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

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(989): View more from Michigan

ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.

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(315): View more from New York

I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7

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(330): View more from Ohio

not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?

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(352): View more from Florida

She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.

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(425): View more from Washington

Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!

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(304): View more from West Virginia

as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'

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(210): View more from Texas

Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I think my vagina is haunted

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(707): View more from California

please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

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(703): View more from Virginia

they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay

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(+27): View more from South Africa

This girl is more easily done than said...

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(541): View more from Oregon

Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...

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(317): View more from Indiana

So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing

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(314): View more from Missouri

I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...

(716): View more from New York

what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

self-loathing.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures

(586): View more from Michigan

I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy

(586): View more from Michigan

But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it

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(631): View more from New York

Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.

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(619): View more from California

Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.

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(858): View more from California

for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers

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(870): View more from Arkansas

It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina

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(248): View more from Michigan

guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?

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(915): View more from Texas

Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.

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(801): View more from Utah

He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol

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(954): View more from Florida

Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret

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(925): View more from California

This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.

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(438): View more from Quebec

I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(224): View more from Illinois

:( I'm sorry!!!

(847): View more from Illinois

sexual favors sorry?

(224): View more from Illinois

absolutely not

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(512): View more from Texas

Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?

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(415): View more from California

Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?

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(302): View more from Delaware

you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..

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(620): View more from Kansas

Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.

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(707): View more from California

She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.

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(703): View more from Virginia

At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

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(816): View more from Missouri

we didnt even have break up sex...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

you had it for us with someone else...

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(319): View more from Iowa

We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.

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(941): View more from Florida

Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.

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(812): View more from Indiana

So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant

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(705): View more from Ontario

I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.

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(217): View more from Illinois

she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

then he tried to convert me to islam

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.

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(925): View more from California

Should I have kids to fix a relationship??

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed

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(804): View more from Virginia

Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.

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(954): View more from Florida

STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA

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(703): View more from Virginia

What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?

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(530): View more from California

And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?

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(516): View more from New York

Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system

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(937): View more from Ohio

She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP

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(512): View more from Texas

want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?

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(409): View more from Texas

Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(514): View more from Quebec

maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge

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(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.

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(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.

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(+65): View more from

No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.

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(810): View more from Michigan

You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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(408): View more from California

He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina

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(239): View more from Florida

You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.

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(325): View more from Texas

She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times

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(704): View more from North Carolina

What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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(516): View more from New York

That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it

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(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

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(330): View more from Ohio

what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.

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(727): View more from Florida

There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.

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(630): View more from Illinois

don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.

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(914): View more from New York

I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list

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(602): View more from Arizona

Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.

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(239): View more from Florida

gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.

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(425): View more from Washington

It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.

(425): View more from Washington

Not including when spray tanning

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(512): View more from Texas

When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

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(738): View more from

I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.

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(905): View more from Ontario

No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home

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(214): View more from Texas

Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh

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(407): View more from Florida

Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off

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(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?

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(907): View more from Alaska

She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(813): View more from Florida

So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3

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(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

(1-330): View more from Ohio

is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

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(706): View more from Georgia

Her name starts with A and ends with whore.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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(+61): View more from Australia

She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.

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(210): View more from Texas

If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great

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(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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(714): View more from California

that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.

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(207): View more from Maine

Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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(631): View more from New York

She told me I should be a condom model.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?

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(303): View more from Colorado

If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.

(417): View more from Missouri

I can't feel my brain.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he confused my yawn for an orgasm

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you

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(313): View more from Michigan

Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it

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(360): View more from Washington

The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.

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(607): View more from New York

I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal

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(503): View more from Oregon

And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms

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(310): View more from California

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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(207): View more from Maine

She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

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(443): View more from Maryland

does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.

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(714): View more from California

All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving

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(512): View more from Texas

Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'

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(904): View more from Florida

he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...

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(315): View more from New York

Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.

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(631): View more from New York

Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.

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(212): View more from New York

her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum

(212): View more from New York

i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls

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(919): View more from North Carolina

are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?

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(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

One less school supply you need to buy!!

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(518): View more from New York

I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me

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(916): View more from California

I'm really into asian looking animals

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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(214): View more from Texas

your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

(1-214): View more from Texas

we're not divorced.

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(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

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(913): View more from Kansas

So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate

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(480): View more from Arizona

From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.

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(224): View more from Illinois

She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.

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(207): View more from Maine

He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth

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(480): View more from Arizona

A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.

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(845): View more from New York

when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week

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(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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