Texts From Last Night · AirHead420's Favorites

AirHead420's Favorites Texts:

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(317): View more from Indiana

Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own

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(586): View more from Michigan

My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

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(301): View more from Maryland

the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.

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(818): View more from California

So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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(518): View more from New York

just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(516): View more from New York

you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?

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(571): View more from Virginia

i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame

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(704): View more from North Carolina

They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating

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(949): View more from California

if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He felt like a one man threesome

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(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Who won?

(225): View more from Louisiana

All of them.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(310): View more from California

My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'd give my left nut to see you

(609): View more from New Jersey

don't do that. I like the set

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(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

6 min

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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(209): View more from California

this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(904): View more from Florida

i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

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(515): View more from Iowa

I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

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(661): View more from California

Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC

(831): View more from California

Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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(727): View more from Florida

and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(201): View more from New Jersey

somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(850): View more from Florida

TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.

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(520): View more from Arizona

just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??

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(858): View more from California

batman tramp stamp. Dibs.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad

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(217): View more from Illinois

you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

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(616): View more from Michigan

I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.

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(773): View more from Illinois

My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

didn't stop?

(773): View more from Illinois

naw, they were rude, not me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(407): View more from Florida

sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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(206): View more from Washington

Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

New charity walk idea!

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(305): View more from Florida

I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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(214): View more from Texas

we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(847): View more from Illinois

Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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(708): View more from Illinois

so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?

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(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

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(541): View more from Oregon

at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking

(1-541): View more from Oregon

only in oregon

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(541): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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(541): View more from Oregon

you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.

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(541): View more from Oregon

i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.

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