Texts From Last Night · Frankibby's Favorites

Sorry NLHGK hasn't picked any favorites yet.

Frankibby's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(607): View more from New York

I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!

Fav 7 4414 1109
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Fav 3 3667 942
share tweet

(917): View more from New York City

every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.

Fav 16 4238 1223
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters

Fav 20 4508 1637
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god

Fav 2 1531 1600
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago

Fav 4 2233 938
share tweet

(810): View more from Michigan

I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know

Fav 3 2207 985
share tweet

(732): View more from New Jersey

like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?

Fav 7 2636 1132
share tweet
(949): View more from California

... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs

Fav 6 2144 1027
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.

Fav 6 1510 3444
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.

(1-806): View more from Texas

Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.

Fav 15 2850 1510
share tweet

(765): View more from Indiana

You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"

Fav 21 1741 4379
share tweet

(408): View more from California

When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

Fav 26 9447 1145
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"

Fav 130 8945 3502
share tweet

(704): View more from North Carolina

Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.

Fav 9 2363 1238
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.

Fav 45 10474 1694
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"

Fav 7 3608 1226
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.

Fav 5 4315 1860
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

Fav 11 6438 1598
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong

Fav 3 2681 1352
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks

Fav 8 2631 1277
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....

Fav 9 3642 1304
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.

Fav 6 3342 1220
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

Fav 14 5461 1637
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR

Fav 7 2647 1414
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK

Fav 10 1677 3283
share tweet
(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

Fav 10 5013 1305
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.

Fav 11 4595 1523
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse

Fav 18 3823 1345
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.

Fav 5 1304 2695
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.

Fav 8 4436 1290
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.

Fav 13 4394 1446
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.

Fav 12 6501 1095
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order

Fav 14 5556 1199
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

Fav 30 8251 1363
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

Fav 24 8758 1373
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

Fav 13 7387 2404
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

Fav 10 8136 1491
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".

Fav 25 5311 1534
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

Fav 56 16894 1912
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.

Fav 15 3807 1960
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"

Fav 5 5724 1384
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.

Fav 9 3584 1106
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

Fav 34 3572 10374
share tweet
(626): View more from California

This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side

Fav 17 3960 1135
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???

Fav 6 3596 1586
share tweet
(+79): View more from

Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight

Fav 18 5152 1764
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.

Fav 17 9423 1218
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

Fav 12 12056 1477
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.

Fav 4 1266 2474
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.

Fav 36 14141 1379
share tweet
(894): View more from

just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

Fav 16 7555 1144
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.

Fav 12 1720 4808
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?

Fav 8 5964 1152
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.

Fav 13 5219 1218
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room

Fav 5 935 3507
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

Fav 25 3443 7135
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

Fav 26 8353 1427
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".

Fav 22 8543 2215
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

Fav 23 6015 2311
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!

Fav 15 1402 7475
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression

Fav 30 1568 4115
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.

Fav 11 4498 1158
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.

Fav 6 3549 1142
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

Fav 17 2021 5588
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.

Fav 17 4586 1535
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

Fav 13 6110 1240
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

Fav 15 5209 1216
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.

Fav 15 7894 1350
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

Fav 13 6587 1217
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.

Fav 14 4568 1378
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

Fav 8 4541 1308
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

Fav 6 5385 1806
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

Fav 12 14089 1680
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

Fav 11 6686 1882
share tweet
(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

Fav 24 7183 2152
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

Fav 29 8626 1506
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.

Fav 6 4272 1271
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.

Fav 16 5662 2671
share tweet
(198): View more from

im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now

Fav 36 5153 1442
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.

Fav 28 4573 1284
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

Fav 41 13366 1860
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".

(781): View more from Massachusetts

It was only one, it doesn't count.

Fav 30 1682 4402
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.

Fav 44 8018 2539
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

Fav 67 12733 1761
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

Fav 20 1747 5278
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!

Fav 13 9086 1724
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

Fav 32 11539 1647
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.

Fav 16 6619 1433
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

Fav 20 8044 2224
share tweet
(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

Fav 95 21330 2347
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.

Fav 158 2950 13039
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

Fav 51 16035 4496
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

Fav 51 2596 7282
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances

Fav 28 7702 1740
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

Fav 21 8144 1694
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

Fav 12 6276 1405
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

Fav 41 3249 10007
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

Fav 37 9190 3480
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

(847): View more from Illinois

What did I say?

(636): View more from Missouri

Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

Fav 11 8283 1545
share tweet
(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

Fav 22 14761 1537
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

Fav 36 8722 1357
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

Fav 6 9304 1557
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

How am I a tease?

(1-813): View more from Florida

Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.

(813): View more from Florida

ONLY PART OF IT.

Fav 45 8798 2020
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.

Fav 37 8639 978
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".

Fav 39 8784 1262
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

Fav 21 9195 1574
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

Fav 15 9304 1177
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?

Fav 28 8950 1794
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

Fav 15 10193 1426
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

Fav 33 13419 2007
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

Fav 41 39280 2240
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird

Fav 11 6583 1907
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.

Fav 29 9414 2388
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

Fav 29 9811 1964
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

Fav 16 6909 1513
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was

Fav 13 7697 1430
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome

Fav 37 9292 1489
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

Fav 13 9194 1748
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating

Fav 24 9184 911
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.

Fav 34 9503 1138
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.

Fav 34 9263 1140
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.

Fav 24 9591 1116
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'

Fav 41 9721 1406
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

Fav 50 10333 2798
share tweet
(949): View more from California

she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

(949): View more from California

little did she know i was taping her the whole time.

Fav 53 9990 2918
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

Fav 42 11448 1729
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.

Fav 42 10724 2405
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.

Fav 43 10145 1064
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.

Fav 20 10802 1091
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'

Fav 49 11529 1164
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it

Fav 23 11529 1159
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

Fav 197 11175 1392
share tweet
(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

Fav 42 11577 1759
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

Fav 40 13034 1831
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

Fav 27 13677 1977
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

Fav 86 13887 2171
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

Fav 34 13462 1381
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper

Fav 55 12609 1036
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

Fav 50 13557 1913
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

Fav 39 14864 1539
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

Fav 160 13868 2197
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

Fav 47 14832 2478
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

Fav 41 15399 1599
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

Fav 17 16527 1701
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

Fav 57 17727 1662
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

Fav 36 18664 1508
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

Fav 73 19508 4225
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

Fav 40 17274 2678
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

Fav 46 21534 1605
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

Fav 39 16043 1251
share tweet
(714): View more from California

we're chasing vodka with high fives

Fav 38 17869 1486
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

Fav 44 22024 1547
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

Fav 76 22870 3318
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

Fav 33 26026 1775
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

Fav 126 23964 2242
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

Fav 99 27493 1856
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

Fav 82 27582 2040
share tweet
(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

Fav 107 32825 1975
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

Fav 60 37317 1624
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

Fav 81 46060 2516
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

Fav 124 42105 3340
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53250 2386
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Fav 131 63492 2874
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76383 3431
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88714 9688
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146106 10755
share tweet