Texts From Last Night · GraveYardNova's Favorites

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.

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(219): View more from Indiana

This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"

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(845): View more from New York

just woke up under a car ? That's odd

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Holy fucking shit

(845): View more from New York

WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT

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(765): View more from Indiana

Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.

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(713): View more from Texas

Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles

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(250): View more from British Columbia

His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"

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(805): View more from California

Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns

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(480): View more from Arizona

We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."

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(812): View more from Indiana

Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.

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(425): View more from Washington

i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me

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(317): View more from Indiana

I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....

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(816): View more from Missouri

Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

The problem with that is that my car has been stolen

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.

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(845): View more from New York

My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.

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(330): View more from Ohio

This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again

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(210): View more from Texas

Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!

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(754): View more from Florida

Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless

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(813): View more from Florida

You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

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(561): View more from Florida

She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.

(315): View more from New York

How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??

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(646): View more from New York

I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.

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(631): View more from New York

Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.

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(941): View more from Florida

Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Love me.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just for one nugget?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)

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(614): View more from Ohio

Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

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(956): View more from Texas

WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.

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(805): View more from California

There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE

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(810): View more from Michigan

He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Am I going to be on condom boxes?

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(309): View more from Illinois

You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.

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(325): View more from Texas

I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?

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(702): View more from Nevada

Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?

(702): View more from Nevada

Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way

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(410): View more from Maryland

There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?

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(641): View more from Iowa

She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good

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(207): View more from Maine

Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex

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(737): View more from Texas

Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.

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(903): View more from Texas

We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it

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(847): View more from Illinois

Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.

(712): View more from Iowa

Welcome to college.

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(913): View more from Kansas

just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.

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(636): View more from Missouri

PS: I just woke up from my shower

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(+61): View more from Australia

one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire

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(303): View more from Colorado

Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles

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(512): View more from Texas

We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."

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(765): View more from Indiana

He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.

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(406): View more from Montana

I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies

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(516): View more from New York

We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom

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(704): View more from North Carolina

His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.

(336): View more from North Carolina

You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.

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(925): View more from California

crossed #23 off the Slucket List!

(1-925): View more from California

YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.

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(312): View more from Illinois

When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?

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(208): View more from Idaho

wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?

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(415): View more from California

I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.

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(646): View more from New York

If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.

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(785): View more from Kansas

When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.

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(587): View more from Alberta

I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?

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(319): View more from Iowa

I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.

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(206): View more from Washington

Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.

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(214): View more from Texas

I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.

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(858): View more from California

Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

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(347): View more from New York

There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery

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(778): View more from British Columbia

the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.

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(785): View more from Kansas

And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple

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(970): View more from Colorado

We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."

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(916): View more from California

Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm always drunk lately

(647): View more from Ontario

Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears

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(561): View more from Florida

There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it

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(325): View more from Texas

Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.

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(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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(207): View more from Maine

you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit

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(317): View more from Indiana

I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.

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(419): View more from Ohio

don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties

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(937): View more from Ohio

NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!

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(555): View more from

Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone

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(828): View more from North Carolina

i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate

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(260): View more from Indiana

She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now

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(813): View more from Florida

I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there

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(785): View more from Kansas

DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid

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(816): View more from Missouri

where are you?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick

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(616): View more from Michigan

But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band

(312): View more from Illinois

Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume

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(916): View more from California

Yep. How's your hangover?

(1-916): View more from California

It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.

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(+49): View more from Germany

I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.

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(478): View more from Georgia

IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV

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(301): View more from Maryland

Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle

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(312): View more from Illinois

You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?

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(315): View more from New York

I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd

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(404): View more from Georgia

Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?

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(626): View more from California

Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?

(308): View more from Nebraska

Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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(308): View more from Nebraska

and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You love popeyes more than me

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

4 words: hood of his car

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was

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(402): View more from Nebraska

hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

come over

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.

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(209): View more from California

I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.

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(805): View more from California

No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture

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(319): View more from Iowa

4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW

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(646): View more from New York

Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.

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(779): View more from Illinois

I smell like gasoline and adventure.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

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(314): View more from Missouri

who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"

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(310): View more from California

My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

(214): View more from Texas

Does it taste like semen?

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(530): View more from California

Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.

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(773): View more from Illinois

At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.

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(650): View more from California

dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king

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(214): View more from Texas

Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.

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(682): View more from Texas

I plan on gettn treatment center drunk

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(404): View more from Georgia

You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."

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(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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(+65): View more from

No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.

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(325): View more from Texas

Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.

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(925): View more from California

I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.

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(347): View more from New York

triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?

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(716): View more from New York

That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.

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(614): View more from Ohio

She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable

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(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.

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(210): View more from Texas

We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.

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(716): View more from New York

I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers

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(817): View more from Texas

I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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(863): View more from Florida

Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.

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(407): View more from Florida

Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.

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(941): View more from Florida

how did the keg end up in the top bunk?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service

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(503): View more from Oregon

He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?

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(303): View more from Colorado

good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"

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(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?

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(210): View more from Texas

Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....

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(315): View more from New York

I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.

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(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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(616): View more from Michigan

You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.

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(443): View more from Maryland

we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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(936): View more from Texas

You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home

(254): View more from Texas

Challenge accepted.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.

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(713): View more from Texas

This dude is being a total douche

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.

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(716): View more from New York

He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."

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(417): View more from Missouri

Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.

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(817): View more from Texas

I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping

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(650): View more from California

I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?

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(406): View more from Montana

I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.

(1-406): View more from Montana

Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.

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(916): View more from California

Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?

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(619): View more from California

im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.

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(626): View more from California

One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.

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(469): View more from Texas

Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...

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(770): View more from Georgia

He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail

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(423): View more from Tennessee

just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party

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(607): View more from New York

Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.

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(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.

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(928): View more from Arizona

She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.

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(419): View more from Ohio

it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.

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(779): View more from Illinois

should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?

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(626): View more from California

This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time

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(519): View more from Ontario

Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.

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(213): View more from California

just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week

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(614): View more from Ohio

I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up

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(601): View more from Mississippi

we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.

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(847): View more from Illinois

u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends

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(907): View more from Alaska

I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(479): View more from Arkansas

there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express

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(805): View more from California

The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.

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(818): View more from California

The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you

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(818): View more from California

Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob

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(727): View more from Florida

Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs

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(937): View more from Ohio

Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.

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(205): View more from Alabama

btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever

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(704): View more from North Carolina

all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(605): View more from South Dakota

im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am

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(804): View more from Virginia

Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

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(407): View more from Florida

Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

(213): View more from California

so that means christmas in space?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....

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(206): View more from Washington

She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.

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(646): View more from New York

Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.

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(760): View more from California

Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

If i need to get strippers involved i will.

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(425): View more from Washington

I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.

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(207): View more from Maine

I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.

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(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

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(619): View more from California

i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die

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(954): View more from Florida

it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we're about an hour out, how's the weather?

(720): View more from Colorado

cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"

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(518): View more from New York

In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed

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(515): View more from Iowa

the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me

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(410): View more from Maryland

Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.

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(916): View more from California

she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Some one left their pants in the elevator.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."

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(678): View more from Georgia

Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.

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(713): View more from Texas

I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock

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(910): View more from North Carolina

After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.

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(216): View more from Ohio

For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

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(314): View more from Missouri

I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you

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(248): View more from Michigan

Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding

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(620): View more from Kansas

Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.

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(916): View more from California

Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.

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(636): View more from Missouri

the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"

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(845): View more from New York

I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.

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(234): View more from Ohio

If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.

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(585): View more from New York

with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(630): View more from Illinois

He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid

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(573): View more from Missouri

Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it

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(775): View more from Nevada

FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(613): View more from Ontario

And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"

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(913): View more from Kansas

When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?

(217): View more from Illinois

I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.

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(706): View more from Georgia

What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.

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(518): View more from New York

bad decision saturdays are such a good decision

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(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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(501): View more from Arkansas

What happened to him?

(1-501): View more from Arkansas

He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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