Texts From Last Night · SashaJackson20's Favorites

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SashaJackson20's Favorites Texts:

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

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(410): View more from Maryland

Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.

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(801): View more from Utah

My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.

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(713): View more from Texas

Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'

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(646): View more from New York

Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...

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(517): View more from Michigan

She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink

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(205): View more from Alabama

I only kidnapped one of them. chill

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(831): View more from California

I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.

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(516): View more from New York

Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment

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(503): View more from Oregon

you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.

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(970): View more from Colorado

But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.

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(351): View more from Massachusetts

the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

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(+61): View more from Australia

woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME

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(702): View more from Nevada

Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(646): View more from New York

Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit

(646): View more from New York

The facepaint not the blacking out

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(501): View more from Arkansas

So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .

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(516): View more from New York

Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits

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(219): View more from Indiana

Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.

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(760): View more from California

I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad

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(408): View more from California

You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.

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(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(678): View more from Georgia

The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.

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(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(214): View more from Texas

does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??

(817): View more from Texas

dude, everything can mix, this is college.

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(804): View more from Virginia

does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(973): View more from New Jersey

That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener

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(650): View more from California

Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy

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(+61): View more from Australia

Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.

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(618): View more from Illinois

So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(440): View more from Ohio

WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!

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(206): View more from Washington

Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.

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(817): View more from Texas

I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.

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(727): View more from Florida

she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?

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(660): View more from Missouri

My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night

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(519): View more from Ontario

I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?

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(770): View more from Georgia

I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend

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(801): View more from Utah

Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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(707): View more from California

I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"

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(419): View more from Ohio

currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school

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(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.

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(716): View more from New York

Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

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(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

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(504): View more from Louisiana

This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.

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(813): View more from Florida

I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions

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(516): View more from New York

i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...

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(425): View more from Washington

Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.

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(817): View more from Texas

He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(757): View more from Virginia

im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?

(804): View more from Virginia

who says it cant be both...

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(541): View more from Oregon

You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(231): View more from Michigan

bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.

(517): View more from Michigan

Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

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(303): View more from Colorado

My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(913): View more from Kansas

They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.

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(801): View more from Utah

He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.

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(773): View more from Illinois

once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

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(602): View more from Arizona

I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed

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(928): View more from Arizona

On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.

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(801): View more from Utah

He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze

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(239): View more from Florida

No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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(817): View more from Texas

My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.

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(219): View more from Indiana

He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?

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(602): View more from Arizona

I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.

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(520): View more from Arizona

She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.

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(440): View more from Ohio

vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.

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(443): View more from Maryland

told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...

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(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

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(619): View more from California

We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Even my vagina gasped.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds

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(541): View more from Oregon

he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

well now I have to

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(231): View more from Michigan

His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Going to get a "plan B"urrito

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(563): View more from Iowa

Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties

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(217): View more from Illinois

Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this

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(248): View more from Michigan

I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts

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(516): View more from New York

Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.

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(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

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(661): View more from California

Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

Worst stoner tragedy.

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(213): View more from California

You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny

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(443): View more from Maryland

please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"

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(225): View more from Louisiana

it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes

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(360): View more from Washington

Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.

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(916): View more from California

WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(513): View more from Ohio

I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.

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(216): View more from Ohio

This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice

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(702): View more from Nevada

And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.

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(310): View more from California

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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(972): View more from Texas

The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions

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(904): View more from Florida

I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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(206): View more from Washington

No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.

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(785): View more from Kansas

your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(407): View more from Florida

also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(510): View more from California

EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!

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(516): View more from New York

Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I

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(720): View more from Colorado

she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod

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(734): View more from Michigan

I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Shittttttt.

(734): View more from Michigan

Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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(208): View more from Idaho

We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?

(516): View more from New York

one can only hope.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself

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(416): View more from Toronto

He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....

(614): View more from Ohio

We've got ourselves a situation

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(415): View more from California

How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?

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(510): View more from California

We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.

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(310): View more from California

Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."

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(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You know i think she's just using me for sex

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I hate you.

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(817): View more from Texas

she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.

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(240): View more from Maryland

He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

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(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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(734): View more from Michigan

I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.

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(530): View more from California

I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?

(1-905): View more from Toronto

i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood

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(757): View more from Virginia

you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

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(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(551): View more from New Jersey

Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead

(201): View more from New Jersey

NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.

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(907): View more from Alaska

i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me

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(805): View more from California

omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now

(1-805): View more from California

he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls

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(714): View more from California

So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him

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(323): View more from California

how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".

(781): View more from Massachusetts

It was only one, it doesn't count.

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(925): View more from California

She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.

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(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

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(407): View more from Florida

Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.

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(631): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go

(860): View more from Connecticut

Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head

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(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

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(360): View more from Washington

super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins

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(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

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(440): View more from Ohio

omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.

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(863): View more from Florida

And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle

(612): View more from Minnesota

safety first

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.

(1-214): View more from Texas

that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary

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(214): View more from Texas

You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.

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(972): View more from Texas

Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...

(214): View more from Texas

Was she wearing cherry chapstick??

(972): View more from Texas

No. Life's not always a fairytale.....

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(214): View more from Texas

I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.

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(214): View more from Texas

just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?

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(214): View more from Texas

didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.

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(214): View more from Texas

Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(516): View more from New York

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!

(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends

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(651): View more from Minnesota

we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(607): View more from New York

haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(909): View more from California

Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(727): View more from Florida

and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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(651): View more from Minnesota

how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.

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(904): View more from Florida

I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.

(1-904): View more from Florida

It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"

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(813): View more from Florida

I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number

(813): View more from Florida

so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.

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(850): View more from Florida

Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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