Texts From Last Night · _bbycakes's Favorites

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(815): View more from Illinois

Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(207): View more from Maine

I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.

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(914): View more from New York

2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.

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(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you will always have a special place in my vag

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(210): View more from Texas

every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY

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(845): View more from New York

Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?

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(530): View more from California

Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.

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(512): View more from Texas

Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.

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(435): View more from Utah

She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.

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(305): View more from Florida

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.

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(305): View more from Florida

Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(206): View more from Washington

you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(404): View more from Georgia

So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie

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(858): View more from California

i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.

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(914): View more from New York

still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.

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(718): View more from New York

I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

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(916): View more from California

It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

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(563): View more from Iowa

The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.

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(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(415): View more from California

Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.

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(754): View more from Florida

you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.

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(314): View more from Missouri

used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.

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(315): View more from New York

Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..

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(615): View more from Tennessee

of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits

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(801): View more from Utah

No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything

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(502): View more from Kentucky

if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.

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(619): View more from California

my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"

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(678): View more from Georgia

He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back

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(850): View more from Florida

I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room

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(317): View more from Indiana

I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.

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(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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(512): View more from Texas

why does the wii remote smell like your vag?

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.

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(315): View more from New York

he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

To a 70 year old lady?!

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

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(574): View more from Indiana

My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.

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(561): View more from Florida

I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.

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(512): View more from Texas

Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?

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(801): View more from Utah

I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.

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(302): View more from Delaware

It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.

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(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

after a month anything with tits is on the radar

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(352): View more from Florida

Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.

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(914): View more from New York

Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.

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(630): View more from Illinois

My bed smells like naked

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.

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(425): View more from Washington

You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.

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(406): View more from Montana

When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.

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(646): View more from New York

vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic

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(503): View more from Oregon

My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.

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(440): View more from Ohio

He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(559): View more from California

Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.

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(419): View more from Ohio

All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"

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(240): View more from Maryland

oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times

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(519): View more from Ontario

Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...

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(310): View more from California

He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(305): View more from Florida

Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.

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(949): View more from California

Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up

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(281): View more from Texas

I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(708): View more from Illinois

Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

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(571): View more from Virginia

how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.

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(301): View more from Maryland

You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain

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(604): View more from British Columbia

They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.

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(510): View more from California

On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.

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