Texts From Last Night · akhockeygirl's Favorites

Sorry nlkilgallen hasn't picked any favorites yet.

akhockeygirl's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(604): View more from British Columbia

Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.

Fav 4 826 670
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings

Fav 1 684 337
share tweet

(925): View more from California

Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex

Fav 1 1405 526
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.

Fav 3 1039 599
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of

Fav 4 906 511
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin

Fav 6 1038 723
share tweet

(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

Fav 6 3036 764
share tweet

(801): View more from Utah

You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?

(650): View more from California

I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.

Fav 3 1310 661
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Would you like season tickets to my vagina?

Fav 12 2015 674
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words

Fav 5 1157 592
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!

Fav 5 2305 650
share tweet

(405): View more from Oklahoma

All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.

Fav 2 751 489
share tweet

(912): View more from Georgia

We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us

Fav 3 1378 673
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.

Fav 7 1969 742
share tweet

(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

Fav 6 3572 1912
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.

Fav 18 2726 877
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

Fav 26 4778 1012
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I want "hickeys on my ass" sex

Fav 11 2098 826
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable

Fav 7 3583 935
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.

Fav 29 3853 1029
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

That would warm my breasts.

(770): View more from Georgia

In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.

Fav 8 1440 706
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

Fav 12 6940 1202
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

Fav 37 10358 2113
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

Fav 9 4216 1124
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.

Fav 11 1064 2514
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

Fav 15 8246 1440
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?

Fav 19 4762 1041
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?

(845): View more from New York

Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.

Fav 125 5179 987
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

Fav 60 17837 1906
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.

Fav 9 2973 986
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.

(940): View more from Texas

Deal.

Fav 14 3302 1037
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?

Fav 5 2817 919
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.

Fav 16 3040 971
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

We were fucking at break-dick speeds.

Fav 15 2184 936
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

Fav 68 26525 1823
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job

Fav 56 5197 1763
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

Fav 44 8983 1374
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.

Fav 29 2461 1702
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.

Fav 16 3257 939
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.

Fav 7 1719 935
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.

Fav 36 3005 1141
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

(480): View more from Arizona

k i'll be over in 5.

Fav 101 15214 1620
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.

Fav 16 1742 1247
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.

Fav 10 1846 864
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

(516): View more from New York

nope.

Fav 21 1598 4687
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink

Fav 7 2299 950
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.

Fav 8 2072 1241
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.

Fav 7 2005 895
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.

Fav 6 986 1588
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

Fav 14 2822 1093
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I am coming home for anal

(254): View more from Texas

* a nap*

Fav 39 12486 2052
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town

Fav 20 6053 1697
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post

Fav 17 2940 1188
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

(1-214): View more from Texas

I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

Fav 93 1831 7830
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

Fav 9 4803 1585
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

Fav 51 8768 2029
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

Fav 49 18833 1913
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.

Fav 45 21387 1251
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Let me guess--your parents are cousins.

Fav 22 1220 5180
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.

Fav 16 3220 1281
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.

Fav 21 3089 1313
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

Fav 20 7262 1219
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly

Fav 56 4347 1131
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

Fav 25 11788 1401
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.

Fav 6 3355 893
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

Fav 12 5603 1205
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.

Fav 38 2141 4481
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified

Fav 13 2877 1491
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?

(614): View more from Ohio

I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?

(330): View more from Ohio

I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.

Fav 6 3830 1065
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.

Fav 1 1813 946
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.

Fav 10 3329 956
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

Fav 20 6945 1190
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

Fav 14 4778 1804
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

you goin out tonight?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

who is this.

(302): View more from Delaware

your orgasm for tonight

Fav 12 5470 1125
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

Fav 4 3827 1121
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I wanna come home

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

And do what?

(270): View more from Kentucky

Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.

Fav 4 2765 928
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

Fav 6 3208 1182
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

Fav 13 4309 1891
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon

Fav 4 1474 989
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.

Fav 12 4637 1156
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you

Fav 16 1298 1252
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.

Fav 2 1302 3337
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.

Fav 8 1270 2435
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself

(612): View more from Minnesota

It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...

Fav 7 3225 1280
share tweet
(760): View more from California

can you blow me for old times sake

(951): View more from California

only for old times sake

Fav 9 4171 1091
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

Fav 23 5607 1716
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.

Fav 3 2768 978
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??

Fav 32 4310 1407
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.

Fav 15 2689 1282
share tweet
(310): View more from California

My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

Fav 11 3383 1428
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?

Fav 14 4980 1471
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

Thats something to write home to mom about

(305): View more from Florida

Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her

Fav 17 2083 825
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

Fav 28 8678 1595
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.

Fav 21 4629 1759
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

Fav 8 4557 1297
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

Fav 22 4817 1443
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home

Fav 12 3784 1156
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

Fav 18 4239 1449
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I am in a vortex of obligation.

Fav 3 1019 1936
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

My lips are sealed. Both pairs.

Fav 11 3555 1337
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

Fav 21 6689 1358
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

and then he started using my ass as a stressball

Fav 16 3860 1673
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Houston, we have a squirter

Fav 25 6935 1770
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.

Fav 16 5471 1445
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

Fav 21 7667 1665
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.

Fav 22 4300 1273
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

this is your brother

Fav 63 1586 14754
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Odds of those being real?

(614): View more from Ohio

One in who gives a fuck

Fav 91 5282 935
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.

Fav 5 4035 1386
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

Fav 14 12315 1861
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.

Fav 5 3563 1060
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

Fav 11 5376 1483
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.

Fav 8 3458 1121
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

Fav 15 4769 1258
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck

Fav 41 4667 1066
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra

Fav 5 4071 959
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?

Fav 9 3581 1002
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".

Fav 19 3051 1766
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.

Fav 13 4976 1302
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.

Fav 2 1842 779
share tweet
(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

Fav 16 5842 1046
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

Fav 28 9589 1390
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.

Fav 23 6681 908
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.

Fav 31 7104 1594
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

how was your day?

(404): View more from Georgia

fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?

Fav 21 9652 1242
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

His hands were made for my vagina.

Fav 16 7805 1294
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

Fav 30 11328 1495
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

:( I'm sorry!!!

(847): View more from Illinois

sexual favors sorry?

(224): View more from Illinois

absolutely not

Fav 30 1262 2476
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

Fav 240 2448 8895
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?

(502): View more from Kentucky

Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?

Fav 11 1973 939
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.

Fav 9 1007 4351
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.

Fav 121 7226 1384
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility

Fav 8 3831 1043
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand

Fav 17 5574 1287
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

Fav 70 14193 1980
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

Fav 11 5143 1705
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done

Fav 4 3803 1462
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

(443): View more from Maryland

So glad I found your sister.

Fav 36 10315 1714
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.

Fav 56 6771 1566
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack

Fav 87 9400 1439
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

Fav 10 6802 1372
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

Fav 56 7968 1738
share tweet