Texts From Last Night · catface's Favorites

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(408): View more from California

you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.

(479): View more from Arkansas

YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT

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(775): View more from Nevada

So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...

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(+77): View more from

Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!

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(913): View more from Kansas

If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight

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(712): View more from Iowa

Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ

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(210): View more from Texas

Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think I accidentally invented a religion.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series

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(702): View more from Nevada

Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.

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(530): View more from California

Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas

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(586): View more from Michigan

Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore

(508): View more from Massachusetts

it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10

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(301): View more from Maryland

You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.

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(206): View more from Washington

I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wish drunk me came with subtitles

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(801): View more from Utah

My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.

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(209): View more from California

Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force

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(779): View more from Illinois

I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day

(779): View more from Illinois

Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?

(815): View more from Illinois

Yes.

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(212): View more from New York

He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.

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(706): View more from Georgia

So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.

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(206): View more from Washington

You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.

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(323): View more from California

I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.

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(415): View more from California

You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

But there's never enough margarita money.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it

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(602): View more from Arizona

The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here

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(501): View more from Arkansas

His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too

(613): View more from Ontario

This was before halftime

(613): View more from Ontario

I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME

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(510): View more from California

I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard

(1-510): View more from California

Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.

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(818): View more from California

It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.

(440): View more from Ohio

It's important to play to your strengths.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.

(802): View more from Vermont

Campus is too small for this to keep happening

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(361): View more from Texas

I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...

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(937): View more from Ohio

Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"

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(407): View more from Florida

You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.

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(818): View more from California

The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.

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(586): View more from Michigan

He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.

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(305): View more from Florida

Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.

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(214): View more from Texas

NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.

(469): View more from Texas

BP at your house from now on.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS

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(813): View more from Florida

She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.

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(805): View more from California

Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

whose oscar?

(203): View more from Connecticut

the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.

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(240): View more from Maryland

stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.

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(214): View more from Texas

White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see

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(802): View more from Vermont

I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.

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(541): View more from Oregon

If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.

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(334): View more from Alabama

So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police

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(562): View more from California

Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?

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(310): View more from California

I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.

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(941): View more from Florida

Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?

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(702): View more from Nevada

All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.

(206): View more from Washington

WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN

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(317): View more from Indiana

This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.

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(914): View more from New York

Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing

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(425): View more from Washington

Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household

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(716): View more from New York

She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman

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(936): View more from Texas

It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.

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(303): View more from Colorado

All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"

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(217): View more from Illinois

List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I haven't been sober in 4 days.

(1-224): View more from Illinois

Then be sober

(224): View more from Illinois

No.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.

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(407): View more from Florida

You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...

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(901): View more from Tennessee

So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home

(919): View more from North Carolina

She shouldn't drink

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship

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(727): View more from Florida

We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.

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(415): View more from California

Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.

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(415): View more from California

After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.

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(305): View more from Florida

Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.

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(650): View more from California

You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever

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(817): View more from Texas

Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.

(817): View more from Texas

I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.

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(707): View more from California

People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.

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(207): View more from Maine

If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you

(1-207): View more from Maine

Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility

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(343): View more from Ontario

You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.

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(480): View more from Arizona

We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.

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(734): View more from Michigan

You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.

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(707): View more from California

I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.

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(425): View more from Washington

I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday

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(928): View more from Arizona

So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.

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(706): View more from Georgia

If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?

(901): View more from Tennessee

Most definitely.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

(404): View more from Georgia

STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(907): View more from Alaska

So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.

(440): View more from Ohio

Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.

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(706): View more from Georgia

URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.

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(214): View more from Texas

Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?

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(618): View more from Illinois

There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure

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(317): View more from Indiana

That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.

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(916): View more from California

Are you setting a date to bone me?

(530): View more from California

Are you accepting?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

My god, what have you done?

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Dude that's a hat trick!

(616): View more from Michigan

I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.

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(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.

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(478): View more from Georgia

I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."

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(956): View more from Texas

So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.

(1+44): View more from

They'll never let you practice medicine.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie

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(309): View more from Illinois

Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow

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(573): View more from Missouri

I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar

(614): View more from Ohio

Challenge accepted

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(734): View more from Michigan

I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head

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(616): View more from Michigan

time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

we need a secret handshake

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(660): View more from Missouri

I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.

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(530): View more from California

I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me

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(512): View more from Texas

they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze

(1-512): View more from Texas

you have the best friends

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(434): View more from Virginia

I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.

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(424): View more from California

The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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(298): View more from

The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.

(208): View more from Idaho

You're the only meteorologist I listen to.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.

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(956): View more from Texas

Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.

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(562): View more from California

Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch

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(269): View more from Michigan

Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.

(404): View more from Georgia

We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.

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(716): View more from New York

I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.

(404): View more from Georgia

I'm a corrupt cop.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow

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(678): View more from Georgia

I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm a sociology major remember

(301): View more from Maryland

Well that and comm

(479): View more from Arkansas

Basically you majored in how to get laid

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(218): View more from Minnesota

my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.

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(520): View more from Arizona

She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.

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(319): View more from Iowa

...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

(1-512): View more from Texas

We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

(512): View more from Texas

This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

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(585): View more from New York

WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.

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(416): View more from Toronto

She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"

(1-416): View more from Toronto

You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.

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(443): View more from Maryland

well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.

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(708): View more from Illinois

we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.

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(757): View more from Virginia

you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched

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(541): View more from Oregon

Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me

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(860): View more from Connecticut

official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count

(516): View more from New York

then nothing in my life counts

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(805): View more from California

I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(714): View more from California

we're chasing vodka with high fives

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(248): View more from Michigan

Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(512): View more from Texas

You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.

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(352): View more from Florida

Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver

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(618): View more from Illinois

She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life

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(817): View more from Texas

Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker

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(847): View more from Illinois

She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.

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(850): View more from Florida

Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.

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(925): View more from California

also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(509): View more from Washington

So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"

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(616): View more from Michigan

Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.

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(559): View more from California

Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes

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(813): View more from Florida

So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

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(316): View more from Kansas

You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing

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(509): View more from Washington

I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate

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(229): View more from Georgia

I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

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(905): View more from Ontario

he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

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(248): View more from Michigan

My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic

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(615): View more from Tennessee

In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

it is a toga and you are a goddess.

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(315): View more from New York

i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV

(802): View more from Vermont

you're the only one i would trust to do that

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(313): View more from Michigan

He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god

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(210): View more from Texas

Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.

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(989): View more from Michigan

we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.

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(915): View more from Texas

I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.

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(210): View more from Texas

He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

you dont

(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(505): View more from New Mexico

he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.

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(602): View more from Arizona

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

(480): View more from Arizona

What will that accomplish?

(602): View more from Arizona

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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(804): View more from Virginia

there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!

(1-804): View more from Virginia

Wait are they playing beer pong to?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(956): View more from Texas

Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.

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(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

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(210): View more from Texas

every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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(323): View more from California

I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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