Texts From Last Night · chitownirishgirl's Favorites

Sorry yourfratdaddy hasn't picked any favorites yet.

chitownirishgirl's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(972): View more from Texas

idk i usually just blame everything on steve

(214): View more from Texas

Steve quit two months ago

Fav 2 552 209
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment

Fav 4 899 601
share tweet

(716): View more from New York

He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.

Fav 1 359 137
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?

Fav 1 302 123
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.

Fav 4 490 225
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.

Fav 3 403 262
share tweet

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code

Fav 0 314 323
share tweet

(208): View more from Idaho

Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?

Fav 3 992 644
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.

Fav 4 1152 596
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS

Fav 1 713 401
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.

Fav 1 1109 525
share tweet

(860): View more from Connecticut

It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?

Fav 6 829 553
share tweet

(770): View more from Georgia

started my period, we have to try again next week

(1-770): View more from Georgia

if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint

Fav 11 1794 673
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.

(415): View more from California

I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext

Fav 7 2879 875
share tweet

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.

Fav 11 1569 775
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix

Fav 1 525 228
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.

Fav 2 792 531
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.

Fav 2 695 542
share tweet
(530): View more from California

so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.

Fav 4 955 566
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon

Fav 4 1297 568
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.

Fav 2 541 216
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.

Fav 1 845 642
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.

Fav 7 971 1466
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

That would make regret #10

(646): View more from New York

He was more like the original regret

Fav 5 859 788
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

(404): View more from Georgia

STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

Fav 19 3748 1034
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.

Fav 2 460 707
share tweet
(858): View more from California

i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place

Fav 1 442 311
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?

Fav 2 687 238
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.

Fav 1 506 693
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...

Fav 3 598 1192
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break

Fav 3 2231 723
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"

Fav 0 626 466
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers

Fav 0 250 410
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone

Fav 0 467 279
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...

Fav 2 738 1287
share tweet
(415): View more from California

The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.

Fav 0 708 356
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing

Fav 2 583 291
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.

Fav 1 356 347
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings

Fav 12 1142 1279
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.

Fav 1 2069 560
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina

Fav 8 1695 916
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave

Fav 2 1059 406
share tweet
(760): View more from California

You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.

Fav 2 493 936
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.

Fav 1 981 472
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?

Fav 3 1459 857
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.

Fav 1 551 808
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Give me weed or give me death?

Fav 3 1265 630
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours

Fav 3 1265 737
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.

Fav 7 1801 863
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.

Fav 5 1564 828
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I guess, just don't make it awkward

(603): View more from New Hampshire

MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY

Fav 10 982 1730
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.

Fav 5 935 408
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.

Fav 0 564 626
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.

Fav 3 455 587
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.

Fav 3 519 668
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.

Fav 6 424 763
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble

(847): View more from Illinois

I'm high. ignore me

Fav 1 870 375
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.

Fav 4 878 450
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.

Fav 1 439 652
share tweet
(753): View more from

WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT

Fav 2 589 341
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?

Fav 2 1076 472
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.

Fav 11 1872 1148
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.

Fav 1 708 470
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG

Fav 2 548 608
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover

Fav 0 656 385
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.

Fav 4 759 447
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.

Fav 2 408 621
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?

Fav 3 783 389
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.

Fav 2 693 524
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.

Fav 3 520 1374
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."

Fav 1 488 709
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.

Fav 2 702 370
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?

Fav 1 648 538
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar

Fav 2 837 448
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.

Fav 2 1306 450
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.

Fav 2 598 454
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.

Fav 2 720 394
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night

Fav 7 1053 523
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.

Fav 5 1193 482
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores

Fav 1 776 381
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend

Fav 4 801 374
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.

Fav 3 411 600
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.

(303): View more from Colorado

Marry me.

Fav 5 1371 432
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight

Fav 8 1140 422
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.

Fav 1 411 492
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.

Fav 1 590 385
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life

Fav 5 820 471
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.

Fav 6 873 384
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear

Fav 4 457 745
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.

Fav 5 2069 711
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue

Fav 3 642 512
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.

Fav 0 698 404
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.

Fav 1 804 435
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.

Fav 6 1270 1049
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.

Fav 0 735 355
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?

(1-714): View more from California

Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious

Fav 4 1607 758
share tweet
(530): View more from California

as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts

Fav 3 1172 577
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.

Fav 5 951 613
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.

Fav 14 2101 996
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila

(716): View more from New York

Step 4: your drunk

Fav 4 817 529
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.

Fav 12 3282 1064
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast

Fav 2 1765 736
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?

Fav 4 1295 765
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.

(1-216): View more from Ohio

Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.

Fav 9 682 940
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...

Fav 0 536 372
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends

Fav 2 518 598
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

SO DRUNK

(763): View more from Minnesota

PUKED IN DRIVEWAY

(763): View more from Minnesota

TELL PARENTS SORRY

Fav 0 555 460
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon

(514): View more from Quebec

what does alcohol mean

Fav 2 1720 966
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.

Fav 1 633 373
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.

(707): View more from California

The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.

Fav 0 1214 624
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.

Fav 1 823 468
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again

Fav 4 1311 862
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.

Fav 7 1814 780
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.

Fav 5 1587 798
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.

Fav 4 430 930
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"

Fav 2 954 506
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.

Fav 0 686 417
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other

Fav 1 974 432
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great

Fav 6 2635 898
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed

Fav 0 671 408
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.

Fav 0 770 700
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.

Fav 4 1529 447
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

So much Jack, so little girl.

Fav 2 604 392
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning

Fav 1 817 354
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me

Fav 2 1054 420
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"

Fav 1 970 398
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

What's life without a pregnancy scare?

Fav 8 412 644
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.

Fav 0 578 440
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

was his pinky out?

Fav 1 739 403
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.

Fav 5 411 635
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.

Fav 1 635 444
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.

Fav 1 725 443
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.

Fav 4 575 816
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night

Fav 1 864 435
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)

Fav 3 838 452
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.

Fav 4 2439 849
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.

Fav 5 615 408
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages

Fav 2 846 536
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?

(952): View more from Minnesota

...object impermanence?

Fav 1 717 445
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels

Fav 0 665 374
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.

Fav 1 1583 534
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.

Fav 3 1828 753
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.

Fav 2 891 629
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet

Fav 0 1003 434
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.

Fav 1 573 452
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.

Fav 2 1252 774
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"

(1-618): View more from Illinois

As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!

Fav 4 1498 570
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook

Fav 6 1588 650
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n

Fav 4 2049 968
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots

Fav 7 1529 774
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo

Fav 0 524 376
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.

Fav 1 880 435
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves

Fav 3 836 601
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.

Fav 4 1130 598
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.

Fav 29 2461 1702
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

So what are you going to be for halloween?

(503): View more from Oregon

A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.

Fav 3 1831 710
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone

Fav 4 1415 1250
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge

Fav 16 2453 916
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.

Fav 12 1815 707
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love

Fav 10 3898 934
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.

Fav 1 1160 441
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over

Fav 0 794 401
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK

Fav 3 821 463
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.

Fav 0 754 391
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.

Fav 2 663 414
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.

Fav 2 985 411
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me

Fav 2 608 651
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night

Fav 2 723 427
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.

Fav 8 904 560
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.

Fav 8 1203 1565
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.

Fav 5 1861 899
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.

Fav 8 2204 893
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter

Fav 6 1055 452
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor

Fav 4 1909 892
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again

Fav 5 1689 638
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.

Fav 5 1424 844
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY

Fav 14 2412 981
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"

Fav 12 2848 1292
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.

Fav 0 445 771
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.

Fav 3 416 550
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out

Fav 6 505 725
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today

Fav 0 402 585
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball

Fav 2 577 427
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.

Fav 2 675 348
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"

Fav 3 968 419
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.

(1-940): View more from Texas

Pride claims another victim

Fav 1 932 437
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes

Fav 1 732 393
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.

Fav 3 941 360
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.

Fav 1 717 365
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.

Fav 7 1232 545
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.

Fav 4 1246 431
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more

Fav 0 474 596
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.

Fav 2 1114 412
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz

Fav 3 1281 576
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?

(816): View more from Missouri

Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.

Fav 2 1467 630
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.

Fav 1 1045 537
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...

Fav 1 1065 381
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.

Fav 2 1187 447
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.

Fav 4 967 465
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.

Fav 2 665 451
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.

Fav 1 950 412
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.

Fav 3 897 456
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl

Fav 3 955 457
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.

Fav 1 1215 413
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!

Fav 6 1215 469
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.

Fav 2 844 452
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.

Fav 3 664 431
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well

Fav 5 713 489
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.

(240): View more from Maryland

Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.

Fav 2 1277 605
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH

(360): View more from Washington

Yes

(253): View more from Washington

O.K.

Fav 4 1734 1217
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that

Fav 3 615 412
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night

Fav 2 646 461
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?

Fav 2 580 770
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.

Fav 2 375 728
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.

Fav 3 652 550
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.

Fav 3 1041 444
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."

Fav 0 629 385
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex

Fav 5 388 815
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE

Fav 3 485 668
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.

Fav 3 744 425
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...

Fav 0 625 410
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....

Fav 1 929 433
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick

(216): View more from Ohio

In a very non respectful way

Fav 2 827 399
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?

Fav 2 535 436
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.

Fav 2 414 896
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!

Fav 0 558 374
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married

Fav 5 498 773
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.

Fav 2 1071 389
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.

Fav 7 1482 467
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.

Fav 1 1028 486
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.

Fav 2 808 553
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever

Fav 1 828 358
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies

Fav 1 670 385
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus

Fav 3 938 422
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up

Fav 1 922 528
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.

Fav 1 678 454
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."

Fav 1 1766 417
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.

Fav 1 1391 371
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.

(615): View more from Tennessee

UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD

Fav 1 705 616
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.

Fav 5 864 442
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"

(404): View more from Georgia

That is so sad.

Fav 5 469 1029
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.

Fav 5 864 427
share tweet
(986): View more from

He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?

Fav 11 451 805
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.

Fav 3 561 459
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew

Fav 6 778 483
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.

Fav 2 755 367
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.

Fav 3 978 444
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?

Fav 3 701 363
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.

Fav 2 490 1092
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher

(312): View more from Illinois

And maybe a life coach?

Fav 2 2426 968
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me

(604): View more from British Columbia

Bring breadsticks

Fav 3 1139 450
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire

Fav 1 492 796
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.

Fav 0 547 413
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.

Fav 4 406 708
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.

Fav 1 727 376
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.

Fav 7 752 447
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?

(1-516): View more from New York

all of them.

Fav 5 1472 464
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.

Fav 2 809 369
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.

Fav 1 466 560
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god

Fav 3 1320 685
share tweet
(626): View more from California

I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.

Fav 2 1350 956
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.

Fav 7 1292 779
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth

Fav 8 1835 721
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?

Fav 3 1419 832
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down

Fav 0 713 420
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.

Fav 0 849 432
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.

Fav 3 773 444
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off

Fav 4 1203 419
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks

Fav 5 423 813
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.

Fav 1 802 378
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.

Fav 3 803 481
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going

Fav 5 821 357
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Cat or human?

(563): View more from Iowa

Human

Fav 1 1153 529
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!

Fav 3 1117 474
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.

Fav 6 419 983
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face

Fav 0 959 408
share tweet
(805): View more from California

you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends

Fav 5 566 1007
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.

Fav 7 450 670
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried

Fav 4 475 783
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.

Fav 10 524 844
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Like the friend zone has no room for winks

Fav 1 523 459
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess

Fav 8 895 583
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.

Fav 5 415 1126
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.

Fav 2 514 596
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.

Fav 2 1028 389
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.

Fav 1 829 419
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam

Fav 3 370 1086
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.

(931): View more from Tennessee

Rodger that.

Fav 3 707 417
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.

Fav 1 936 428
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.

Fav 3 627 408
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.

Fav 0 750 436
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.

Fav 6 1089 542
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform

Fav 1 734 428
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom

Fav 2 704 445
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.

Fav 2 415 623
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Yesterday you said I was the best.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.

Fav 3 910 806
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea

Fav 2 1318 819
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius

Fav 4 923 1955
share tweet
(138): View more from

You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI

Fav 1 613 445
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.

Fav 1 1139 682
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.

Fav 2 1267 883
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.

Fav 7 1336 774
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.

Fav 4 1555 586
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.

Fav 2 816 695
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building

Fav 4 1434 738
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.

Fav 9 1458 1051
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Marry him. Now.

Fav 13 4320 1025
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?

Fav 12 1887 953
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...

Fav 1 627 526
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?

Fav 3 1655 666
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.

Fav 5 1184 672
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other

Fav 1 1592 736
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.

(773): View more from Illinois

I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...

Fav 2 1749 781
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.

Fav 10 1820 838
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): View more from Georgia

Things like this can't be explained over text man

Fav 22 4795 1584
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.

Fav 1 969 443
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home

Fav 6 1366 701
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE

Fav 4 1040 554
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.

Fav 9 1281 786
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god

Fav 7 1845 834
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

Fav 3 3516 1048
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things

(1-443): View more from Maryland

Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.

Fav 2 630 1020
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together

Fav 4 1687 1007
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot

Fav 6 2128 879
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

The porch is breathing.

(813): View more from Florida

STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT

Fav 3 1261 707
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old

Fav 2 504 749
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.

Fav 0 581 397
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house

Fav 0 456 626
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin

Fav 5 499 1039
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.

Fav 2 791 378
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I just want to make out with him forever

Fav 1 729 460
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.

Fav 1 812 437
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME

Fav 7 615 413
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.

Fav 2 766 433
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I have no words

(951): View more from California

Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.

Fav 19 1400 2708
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

did you know we used to have a pool?

Fav 0 562 767
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing

Fav 2 1055 500
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans

Fav 0 768 444
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.

(804): View more from Virginia

This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.

(804): View more from Virginia

You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.

Fav 4 921 511
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid

Fav 3 909 2270
share tweet
(692): View more from

I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger

Fav 1 1245 651
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.

Fav 3 2004 840
share tweet
(661): View more from California

random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them

Fav 1 1607 750
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.

Fav 3 989 495
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.

Fav 3 984 534
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.

Fav 6 2022 969
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then

Fav 2 873 433
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji

Fav 1 772 416
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting

Fav 2 741 527
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.

Fav 10 730 585
share tweet
(756): View more from

i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry

Fav 4 941 392
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper

Fav 3 630 449
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO

Fav 2 1014 441
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.

Fav 3 917 451
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.

Fav 0 1039 410
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"

Fav 2 750 517
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party

Fav 1 857 438
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool

Fav 1 1244 404
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.

Fav 1 394 590
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.

Fav 4 841 512
share tweet
(760): View more from California

People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with

Fav 4 845 532
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK

Fav 4 884 433
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.

Fav 2 735 459
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move

Fav 1 624 390
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.

Fav 7 1390 500
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.

Fav 3 811 389
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES

Fav 8 1094 454
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.

Fav 0 698 729
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?

Fav 0 388 762
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?

Fav 4 967 388
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question

Fav 7 781 1166
share tweet
(707): View more from California

do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me

Fav 15 2146 852
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.

Fav 3 841 602
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.

Fav 2 1094 430
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla

Fav 0 754 440
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.

Fav 2 417 600
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"

Fav 4 792 479
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Oh my god I found my bf's erotica

(270): View more from Kentucky

OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.

(270): View more from Kentucky

OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.

Fav 3 1810 467
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.

Fav 1 722 432
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada

Fav 1 699 483
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.

Fav 6 733 503
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto

Fav 2 895 458
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?

Fav 2 392 549
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.

Fav 9 3053 777
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having

Fav 7 1734 922
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.

Fav 17 2618 1335
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.

Fav 3 1059 615
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

(404): View more from Georgia

I come from her. Holy hell.

Fav 14 3543 891
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?

(1-708): View more from Illinois

head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way

Fav 2 1775 935
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?

Fav 19 2159 1210
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.

Fav 1 1312 698
share tweet
(559): View more from California

so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"

Fav 5 1599 746
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

(209): View more from California

Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

Fav 12 2669 1388
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.

Fav 7 1836 879
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?

Fav 3 839 1580
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."

Fav 2 747 596
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer

Fav 2 1088 510
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.

(716): View more from New York

So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?

(585): View more from New York

Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.

Fav 6 906 606
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.

Fav 3 942 517
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.

Fav 10 1042 653
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?

Fav 7 1274 587
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm

Fav 10 1205 2010
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.

Fav 3 640 474
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.

Fav 0 799 652
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!

Fav 7 2370 731
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.

Fav 3 563 915
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.

Fav 7 1138 989
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.

Fav 2 1354 716
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day

Fav 6 1602 1058
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.

Fav 12 1013 1918
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties

Fav 2 659 465
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid

Fav 3 910 419
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.

Fav 0 1003 454
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.

Fav 2 1352 515
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.

Fav 1 469 623
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?

Fav 7 640 491
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night

Fav 1 784 391
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?

Fav 5 530 849
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.

Fav 4 796 405
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

Just trying to get my dicks in a row.

Fav 2 1017 576
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence

Fav 2 1630 871
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard

Fav 2 664 668
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.

Fav 3 404 725
share tweet
(707): View more from California

We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.

Fav 0 709 389
share tweet
(707): View more from California

fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night

Fav 4 1594 558
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner

Fav 8 1282 420
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza

Fav 3 1968 802
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with

Fav 11 1735 965
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"

Fav 7 1413 900
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.

Fav 4 584 482
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION

Fav 4 647 937
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...

Fav 4 623 890
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"

Fav 3 1085 576
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.

Fav 12 711 1214
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.

Fav 8 657 1011
share tweet
(619): View more from California

you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.

Fav 24 2210 876
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die

Fav 2 875 684
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.

Fav 1 1085 579
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.

Fav 1 507 843
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"

Fav 0 690 485
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"

Fav 0 784 531
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams

Fav 1 764 537
share tweet
(209): View more from California

He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"

Fav 0 695 552
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.

Fav 4 509 1024
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.

Fav 1 752 448
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.

Fav 2 1050 459
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores

Fav 2 835 483
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.

Fav 3 957 481
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.

Fav 2 647 674
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?

Fav 5 363 689
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.

Fav 0 415 626
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.

Fav 2 758 407
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car

Fav 4 467 972
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.

Fav 6 677 446
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I get a little bitchy. We all know that

Fav 2 661 435
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina

Fav 5 867 547
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol

Fav 3 809 444
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking

Fav 1 420 691
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm so hungover I can't taste anything

Fav 0 449 540
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her

Fav 2 558 829
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.

Fav 5 987 659
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?

(828): View more from North Carolina

if not i want to bang those glasses off his face

Fav 4 1713 688
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch

Fav 5 1114 550
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I won't be able to get a boner for a month

(916): View more from California

Challenge accepted.

Fav 5 1606 654
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway

Fav 6 1104 653
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.

Fav 4 1631 1190
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.

Fav 7 2592 941
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.

Fav 2 1460 758
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen

Fav 5 2138 939
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite

Fav 6 1648 1795
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.

Fav 7 1656 824
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?

(330): View more from Ohio

Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.

Fav 4 1356 586
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.

Fav 3 1329 497
share tweet
(+97): View more from

Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.

Fav 8 1903 746
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.

Fav 5 1515 1675
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut

(714): View more from California

I think mark twain said that originally

Fav 6 1904 764
share tweet
(848): View more from New Jersey

Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.

(732): View more from New Jersey

You live a charmed life.

Fav 8 2632 1051
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.

Fav 16 918 3052
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.

Fav 18 4526 1086
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho

Fav 5 1021 588
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH

Fav 3 752 1534
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7

Fav 4 1295 592
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.

Fav 10 1971 696
share tweet
(619): View more from California

It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.

Fav 4 638 1310
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.

Fav 10 2731 1211
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.

Fav 5 1017 477
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.

Fav 2 1369 805
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship

Fav 3 1437 831
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.

Fav 9 3534 967
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.

Fav 5 1571 509
share tweet
(530): View more from California

im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.

Fav 5 728 500
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.

Fav 9 2620 868
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang

Fav 20 2249 1026
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.

Fav 10 1665 1080
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.

Fav 1 702 770
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat

Fav 1 442 688
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?

Fav 1 794 436
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.

(605): View more from South Dakota

Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.

Fav 1 1099 752
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."

Fav 4 633 589
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...

Fav 6 929 581
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"

Fav 4 892 1185
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples

Fav 1 804 578
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!

Fav 4 919 537
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.

Fav 0 645 549
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.

Fav 4 600 906
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.

Fav 8 1564 1105
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.

Fav 1 674 1299
share tweet
(283): View more from Ohio

by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?

Fav 6 2244 995
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?

Fav 4 1566 671
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

Fav 25 4680 953
share tweet
(707): View more from California

You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation

Fav 0 740 456
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.

Fav 0 667 579
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation

Fav 1 480 753
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.

Fav 13 1016 584
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...

Fav 4 898 679
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?

Fav 3 614 782
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!

Fav 12 1238 847
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.

Fav 4 1080 654
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship

Fav 2 1678 915
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.

Fav 0 1020 542
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on

Fav 2 948 466
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I haven't been sober in 4 days.

(1-224): View more from Illinois

Then be sober

(224): View more from Illinois

No.

Fav 2 1537 660
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station

Fav 10 882 549
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry

Fav 0 524 620
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.

Fav 5 2225 701
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.

Fav 5 2188 881
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.

Fav 7 787 2045
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before

Fav 24 853 2143
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!

Fav 4 1718 818
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.

Fav 6 1548 816
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.

Fav 2 1722 747
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.

Fav 4 1364 913
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away

Fav 8 836 2410
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song

Fav 4 1710 706
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.

(712): View more from Iowa

Welcome to college.

Fav 9 2217 846
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME

Fav 2 1394 827
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't text me with that hand

Fav 16 3801 995
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.

Fav 0 768 509
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...

(614): View more from Ohio

Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine

Fav 1 1162 609
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.

Fav 3 680 1144
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.

Fav 10 1991 787
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.

Fav 4 1437 866
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.

Fav 6 1783 772
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!

(860): View more from Connecticut

You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.

Fav 3 754 518
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.

Fav 1 1012 382
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.

Fav 2 1065 448
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"

Fav 1 478 576
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.

Fav 3 798 541
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.

Fav 2 1088 465
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.

Fav 3 528 430
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.

Fav 9 910 548
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face

Fav 3 877 453
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married

Fav 5 539 1034
share tweet
(488): View more from

Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy

Fav 6 1322 531
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up

Fav 8 908 528
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel

Fav 3 571 470
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned

Fav 4 1013 842
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.

Fav 3 1291 711
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.

Fav 14 3294 873
share tweet
(418): View more from Quebec

He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants

Fav 0 745 471
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name

Fav 5 451 601
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again

Fav 2 469 664
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.

Fav 1 965 428
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin

Fav 4 1546 870
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD

Fav 9 1642 709
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts

Fav 8 2430 831
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.

Fav 0 754 484
share tweet
(310): View more from California

one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.

Fav 0 1071 434
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...

Fav 4 797 484
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.

Fav 2 1230 417
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.

Fav 9 477 1206
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.

Fav 6 1386 444
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.

Fav 6 3207 920
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK

Fav 2 1326 689
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays

Fav 3 1388 819
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.

Fav 5 708 1497
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.

Fav 16 4342 1195
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.

Fav 5 823 741
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...

Fav 3 530 748
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.

Fav 0 855 655
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.

(732): View more from New Jersey

all 3? possibly?

(410): View more from Maryland

I think I'm up to the challenge.

Fav 4 1655 1051
share tweet
(559): View more from California

She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude

Fav 2 800 2155
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.

Fav 11 2253 744
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.

Fav 5 1241 510
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...

Fav 2 869 464
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.

Fav 4 667 503
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.

Fav 2 427 652
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE

Fav 5 1214 532
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?

Fav 2 684 550
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.

Fav 5 807 433
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.

Fav 16 595 2124
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe

Fav 0 629 469
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.

Fav 3 515 396
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?

Fav 3 406 767
share tweet
(420): View more from

I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?

Fav 7 736 437
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod

Fav 2 750 486
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.

Fav 1 734 429
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.

Fav 1 1030 420
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home

Fav 8 1165 426
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.

Fav 5 1054 575
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.

Fav 5 1171 714
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.

Fav 7 901 646
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.

Fav 7 1517 776
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.

Fav 2 1005 1112
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

We're showing the video later bring pizza

Fav 2 1070 503
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.

Fav 5 3193 681
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.

Fav 2 575 1110
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..

Fav 26 1482 3017
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.

Fav 1 882 556
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought

Fav 12 3039 1537
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.

Fav 2 762 532
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers

Fav 6 1670 482
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.

Fav 2 450 792
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.

Fav 3 881 425
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.

Fav 1 935 422
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like

Fav 2 776 557
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there

Fav 10 1040 643
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.

Fav 8 822 617
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

What drugs are we doing when you visit?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.

Fav 3 1381 616
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?

(708): View more from Illinois

Most creative movie date proposition... ever.

Fav 6 2231 1381
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."

(1-208): View more from Idaho

My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."

Fav 3 1381 777
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.

Fav 7 1936 882
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.

Fav 1 2166 682
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture

Fav 13 1755 685
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.

Fav 4 2548 1007
share tweet
(310): View more from California

You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now

Fav 1 556 810
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.

Fav 1 916 543
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.

Fav 9 1208 1272
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.

(573): View more from Missouri

Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.

Fav 7 1471 826
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.

Fav 6 1377 724
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk

Fav 10 2283 1012
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?

Fav 13 871 1883
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants

Fav 2 856 468
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?

Fav 1 915 515
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life

Fav 2 445 950
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.

Fav 3 967 598
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying

Fav 8 1898 770
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.

Fav 3 1183 858
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents

Fav 2 1619 620
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.

Fav 5 2596 1330
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.

Fav 8 2244 859
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.

Fav 2 1680 711
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility

Fav 8 1989 846
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision

Fav 21 5039 977
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.

Fav 5 1731 1258
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.

Fav 10 3248 756
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore

Fav 2 1177 988
share tweet
(470): View more from Georgia

My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.

Fav 6 1909 744
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.

Fav 1 1302 778
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.

Fav 3 745 635
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!

Fav 13 2286 962
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.

Fav 16 2884 1167
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"

Fav 7 3366 824
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning

Fav 5 1783 729
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.

Fav 7 785 1471
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!

Fav 1 995 649
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.

Fav 1 970 566
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?

Fav 3 1109 579
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"

Fav 7 2170 796
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.

Fav 4 2039 746
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?

Fav 2 801 467
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans

Fav 0 623 405
share tweet
(707): View more from California

You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.

Fav 2 819 517
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?

Fav 4 583 740
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.

Fav 0 539 578
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list

Fav 4 611 431
share tweet
(916): View more from California

All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.

Fav 0 509 794
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.

Fav 1 798 489
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"

Fav 2 452 770
share tweet
(707): View more from California

We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.

Fav 2 979 412
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me

Fav 2 798 401
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.

Fav 0 908 450
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in

Fav 3 813 620
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt

Fav 1 913 439
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious

Fav 5 753 344
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?

Fav 1 952 453
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.

Fav 0 804 421
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.

Fav 4 854 460
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.

Fav 2 690 475
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday

Fav 0 601 374
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's

Fav 0 673 424
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.

Fav 2 651 580
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?

Fav 5 775 438
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.

Fav 1 954 408
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?

Fav 5 1054 470
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.

Fav 4 858 526
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed

Fav 2 556 428
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.

Fav 4 847 557
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.

Fav 3 1317 454
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat

(830): View more from Texas

You are so not ready for motherhood

Fav 3 1256 2083
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?

Fav 48 1367 787
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame

Fav 0 872 526
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.

Fav 1 660 495
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.

Fav 18 2726 877
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.

Fav 6 2440 1225
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.

Fav 11 1827 1145
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS

Fav 7 2104 812
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now

Fav 5 804 585
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.

Fav 2 1303 625
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...

Fav 6 1795 845
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.

Fav 3 1704 906
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear

Fav 6 1611 861
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments

Fav 7 771 1512
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator

Fav 4 1792 797
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.

Fav 6 1049 680
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."

Fav 5 1444 589
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual

Fav 2 820 569
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.

Fav 9 1406 652
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.

Fav 10 1773 1016
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.

Fav 4 2358 992
share tweet
(714): View more from California

When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.

Fav 16 922 3168
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up

Fav 1 660 436
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?

(720): View more from Colorado

I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.

Fav 6 1357 462
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?

Fav 3 433 1333
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.

Fav 3 717 449
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want

Fav 3 799 399
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.

Fav 6 1212 539
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely

Fav 3 1168 454
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.

Fav 5 1007 404
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.

Fav 6 992 672
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.

Fav 4 1883 701
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.

Fav 26 2140 1138
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.

Fav 15 3952 1113
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.

Fav 6 2788 1216
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Why is your ex naked in my apartment?

Fav 3 612 714
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.

Fav 3 901 439
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour

Fav 0 846 427
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.

Fav 0 704 378
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision

Fav 0 569 500
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.

(303): View more from Colorado

Flo's in town, ain't she.

Fav 4 903 514
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward

Fav 0 618 393
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.

Fav 2 1628 764
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?

Fav 4 572 502
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.

Fav 6 1189 524
share tweet
(669): View more from California

And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach

Fav 8 1191 705
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.

(970): View more from Colorado

Oooh, he sounds pretty classy

(720): View more from Colorado

Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.

Fav 9 1305 827
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .

Fav 3 704 1641
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.

Fav 13 2313 784
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.

Fav 5 872 778
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?

Fav 0 912 559
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.

Fav 4 1281 681
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.

Fav 6 1679 785
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.

Fav 17 1885 1018
share tweet
(+41): View more from Switzerland

She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"

Fav 10 1796 930
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.

Fav 5 472 887
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.

Fav 2 457 803
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.

Fav 0 586 409
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.

Fav 1 619 355
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.

Fav 0 708 400
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.

Fav 0 556 406
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror

Fav 1 619 432
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.

Fav 2 730 431
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.

Fav 2 1008 447
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.

Fav 1 723 421
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.

Fav 3 604 436
share tweet
(805): View more from California

The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.

Fav 2 1017 524
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today

Fav 0 1137 793
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.

Fav 3 617 761
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives

Fav 4 619 792
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.

Fav 10 1405 593
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.

Fav 2 993 494
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.

Fav 0 869 429
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.

Fav 7 557 1263
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.

Fav 2 617 419
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning

Fav 0 762 452
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon

Fav 0 498 823
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics

Fav 5 652 1059
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I want "hickeys on my ass" sex

Fav 11 2098 826
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty

Fav 3 995 792
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?

Fav 11 2599 1024
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS

Fav 19 1372 2543
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.

Fav 1 542 416
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.

Fav 1 630 408
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?

Fav 7 1113 480
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

When your hungover saltines taste like hope...

Fav 1 556 499
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley

(502): View more from Kentucky

C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB

Fav 3 1042 547
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.

Fav 7 471 634
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.

Fav 1 431 676
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.

Fav 0 838 612
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?

Fav 3 800 385
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21

Fav 1 781 676
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.

Fav 2 1572 1265
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?

Fav 7 2480 905
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science

Fav 3 910 587
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

And vodka?

(304): View more from West Virginia

And vodka.

Fav 6 1795 745
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.

Fav 9 1870 775
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand

Fav 1 763 702
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You pretty much did tho

Fav 1 1006 519
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.

Fav 2 764 563
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.

Fav 1 731 1104
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck

Fav 8 943 1455
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.

Fav 4 819 624
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i came so hard i kicked through my windshield

Fav 9 2699 781
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.

(847): View more from Illinois

i think the last part kind of negates the first part there

Fav 3 1234 642
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.

Fav 1 644 519
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.

Fav 3 803 424
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.

Fav 0 591 483
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.

Fav 4 747 492
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.

Fav 0 509 679
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.

Fav 1 748 517
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

You turn 21 at midnight!

(1-585): View more from New York

This is better than being born!!

Fav 4 786 461
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.

Fav 2 931 504
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.

Fav 4 1313 589
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

we need a secret handshake

Fav 7 1844 666
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas

Fav 3 924 545
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.

Fav 1 1186 548
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?

Fav 4 1734 621
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?

Fav 2 783 472
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real

Fav 3 1139 853
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.

Fav 5 1657 676
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.

Fav 10 2727 996
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark

(1-678): View more from Georgia

...

Fav 8 1737 971
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow

Fav 2 873 701
share tweet
(534): View more from Wisconsin

He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime

Fav 14 3095 743
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!

Fav 11 1595 848
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.

Fav 3 2437 697
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"

Fav 3 1172 668
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I left it in that guy's dorm room.

Fav 4 1879 898
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.

Fav 2 2061 671
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO

Fav 14 2867 966
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order

Fav 1 1415 716
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.

Fav 3 1026 493
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.

Fav 8 1020 697
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.

(502): View more from Kentucky

And if not?

(937): View more from Ohio

...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?

Fav 5 2139 814
share tweet
(818): View more from California

He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing

Fav 5 1456 677
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.

Fav 3 1495 763
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...

Fav 11 3093 1116
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.

Fav 8 680 874
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.

Fav 2 1590 602
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.

Fav 0 2140 769
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?

Fav 3 864 1501
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.

Fav 5 846 933
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...

Fav 2 1612 758
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.

Fav 13 2881 983
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.

Fav 0 723 571
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.

Fav 2 814 525
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.

Fav 2 760 436
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.

Fav 4 843 481
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.

Fav 2 1077 674
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.

Fav 1 915 456
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority

Fav 4 1046 562
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you

(718): View more from New York

yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.

Fav 0 1098 560
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.

Fav 6 1050 440
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.

Fav 2 1208 464
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.

Fav 4 1450 469
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...

Fav 2 1286 450
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK

Fav 1 567 618
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.

Fav 4 1072 446
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk

Fav 0 691 424
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk

Fav 6 605 941
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit

Fav 1 768 440
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.

Fav 1 859 440
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.

Fav 3 1278 485
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

who is the naked dude on the coffee table

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude

Fav 0 1386 527
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..

Fav 2 678 361
share tweet
(657): View more from California

Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot

Fav 3 806 558
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"

Fav 4 1052 544
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.

Fav 3 1459 536
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process

Fav 4 770 506
share tweet
(953): View more from

Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed

Fav 0 797 363
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.

Fav 2 973 405
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Paige is home safe.

(574): View more from Indiana

Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.

Fav 0 494 665
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties

Fav 0 927 408
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B

(908): View more from New Jersey

update: I failed

Fav 4 527 729
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.

Fav 6 462 758
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.

Fav 2 496 822
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK

Fav 2 535 857
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?

Fav 2 576 890
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.

Fav 4 708 983
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.

Fav 6 481 995
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow

Fav 4 586 995
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.

Fav 3 669 1064
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.

Fav 4 603 1120
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!

Fav 3 479 1675
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.

Fav 3 1289 540
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.

Fav 2 1170 548
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"

Fav 2 875 593
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.

Fav 1 661 432
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder

Fav 3 600 455
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"

Fav 8 959 508
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid

Fav 1 841 501
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking

Fav 2 895 449
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"

Fav 3 680 501
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick

Fav 2 750 440
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?

Fav 4 441 771
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.

Fav 1 432 765
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I've been vomiting all day.

(248): View more from Michigan

All day? It's 10am.

Fav 5 729 520
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.

Fav 3 706 479
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?

Fav 3 1019 465
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror

Fav 3 1054 628
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

I still maintain we were not that drunk......

(810): View more from Michigan

Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!

Fav 2 1069 509
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please

Fav 1 1176 606
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.

Fav 14 1164 592
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"

Fav 6 1076 442
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you

Fav 1 1192 459
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.

Fav 2 1071 514
share tweet
(530): View more from California

She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.

Fav 2 1204 506
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?

Fav 5 1253 588
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.

Fav 8 1169 515
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

She didn't like my gingervitis joke

Fav 2 1326 702
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

where will you be at 9:30 tonight?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

piledriving you in your roommate's bed?

Fav 2 1307 468
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.

Fav 3 1317 493
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.

Fav 4 1570 510
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.

Fav 4 2220 631
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.

(845): View more from New York

you are a goddess

Fav 1 1025 430
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?

Fav 2 1157 442
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them

(386): View more from Florida

Tequila 1 marriage 0

Fav 0 534 973
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"

Fav 2 1193 503
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.

Fav 10 1971 562
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.

Fav 0 823 544
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.

Fav 4 595 749
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.

Fav 2 911 454
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life

Fav 1 749 439
share tweet
(626): View more from California

You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice

Fav 3 1140 525
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.

Fav 1 450 641
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like

Fav 0 655 488
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.

Fav 2 979 548
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"

Fav 1 1029 401
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.

Fav 1 734 471
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.

Fav 0 697 458
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness

Fav 0 653 477
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

nobody was home so I boiled the dildo

Fav 8 730 565
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.

Fav 2 778 457
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...

Fav 14 478 633
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."

(414): View more from Wisconsin

That's literally the perfect eulogy

Fav 2 1219 544
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.

Fav 9 1113 521
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?

Fav 7 575 627
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.

Fav 4 1070 519
share tweet
(779): View more from Illinois

I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day

(779): View more from Illinois

Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?

(815): View more from Illinois

Yes.

Fav 1 794 560
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia

Fav 0 601 413
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.

Fav 1 690 438
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?

Fav 1 1077 497
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning

(651): View more from Minnesota

you win. again.

Fav 1 1098 510
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend

Fav 3 1259 524
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I felt like I was at the zoo

Fav 0 988 479
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?

(845): View more from New York

Hahah good point

Fav 0 898 465
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me

Fav 1 419 816
share tweet
(884): View more from

My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second

(212): View more from New York

Hashtag Pathetic

Fav 0 888 532
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho

Fav 2 837 466
share tweet
(710): View more from

my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am

Fav 3 962 486
share tweet