Texts From Last Night · heather0604's Favorites

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heather0604's Favorites Texts:

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(661): View more from California

I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.

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(314): View more from Missouri

i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway

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(810): View more from Michigan

I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.

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(206): View more from Washington

Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner

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(806): View more from Texas

Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm just crazy horny about you

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy

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(212): View more from New York

She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.

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(518): View more from New York

drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.

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(949): View more from California

My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now

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(240): View more from Maryland

I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.

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(330): View more from Ohio

i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense

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(205): View more from Alabama

I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will

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(828): View more from North Carolina

As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess

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(949): View more from California

Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I get a little bitchy. We all know that

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(416): View more from Toronto

new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties

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(248): View more from Michigan

Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here

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(323): View more from California

I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning

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(770): View more from Georgia

Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?

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(740): View more from Ohio

See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want

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(989): View more from Michigan

I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?

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(214): View more from Texas

She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.

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(847): View more from Illinois

There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.

(404): View more from Georgia

I'm a corrupt cop.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven

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(616): View more from Michigan

EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.

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(804): View more from Virginia

In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.

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(330): View more from Ohio

If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I love you more with every blowjob.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

You should write for Hallmark.

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(330): View more from Ohio

STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.

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(646): View more from New York

It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(518): View more from New York

I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter

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(212): View more from New York

We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?

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(443): View more from Maryland

i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT

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(904): View more from Florida

I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

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(407): View more from Florida

I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day

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(516): View more from New York

fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs

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(616): View more from Michigan

I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed

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(207): View more from Maine

My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.

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(916): View more from California

Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it

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(208): View more from Idaho

i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week

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(716): View more from New York

Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She brought up feelings... her days are numbered

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(602): View more from Arizona

If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive

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(256): View more from Alabama

Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?

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(806): View more from Texas

No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.

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(360): View more from Washington

you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands

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(406): View more from Montana

She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party

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(619): View more from California

Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?

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(206): View more from Washington

Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.

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(626): View more from California

Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?

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(+35): View more from

I have feelings that need drinking.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Of course I have a pirate flag

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(229): View more from Georgia

I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.

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(646): View more from New York

Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?

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(620): View more from Kansas

What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.

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(936): View more from Texas

We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯

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(513): View more from Ohio

I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.

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(949): View more from California

I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library

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(716): View more from New York

Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant

(401): View more from Rhode Island

and you were wondering how she got into Harvard

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.

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(415): View more from California

I have a present for you

(415): View more from California

Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked

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(602): View more from Arizona

Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.

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(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

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(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.

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(585): View more from New York

Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone

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(415): View more from California

Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people

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(847): View more from Illinois

Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You need a twittervention. You're better than this.

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(386): View more from Florida

I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.

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(309): View more from Illinois

My penis needs a shock collar

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(507): View more from Minnesota

you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am

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(517): View more from Michigan

When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!

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(503): View more from Oregon

You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.

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(727): View more from Florida

Why were you not born a dude?

(1-727): View more from Florida

Because god wanted to level the playing field

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(407): View more from Florida

I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.

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(727): View more from Florida

remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.

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(407): View more from Florida

You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.

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(386): View more from Florida

Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.

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(616): View more from Michigan

We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Helmets.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.

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(801): View more from Utah

I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me

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(323): View more from California

In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm about to be a big disappointment.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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(513): View more from Ohio

We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.

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(917): View more from New York City

My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts

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(258): View more from

I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state

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(740): View more from Ohio

No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you

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(406): View more from Montana

I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

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(517): View more from Michigan

It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity

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(517): View more from Michigan

i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend

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(480): View more from Arizona

i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone

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(636): View more from Missouri

So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

tonight lets celebrate not being married

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(423): View more from Tennessee

today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.

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(907): View more from Alaska

There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.

(307): View more from Wyoming

I wholeheartedly concur

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(541): View more from Oregon

No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?

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(530): View more from California

that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Also, beer. Big fan.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.

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(269): View more from Michigan

We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

im in the post action - pre consequence stage.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover

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(515): View more from Iowa

Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol

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(516): View more from New York

I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?

(1-516): View more from New York

I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.

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(770): View more from Georgia

His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.

Fav 21 6428 1303
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(817): View more from Texas

His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(513): View more from Ohio

No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates

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(404): View more from Georgia

we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(815): View more from Illinois

His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

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(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'

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(561): View more from Florida

my being single is dangerous.

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(954): View more from Florida

everyone is single if you try hard enough

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(307): View more from Wyoming

These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck

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(612): View more from Minnesota

What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.

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(248): View more from Michigan

They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients

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(231): View more from Michigan

Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.

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(510): View more from California

Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.

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(949): View more from California

Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"

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(716): View more from New York

An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready

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(520): View more from Arizona

In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best

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(732): View more from New Jersey

The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?

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(708): View more from Illinois

we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive

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(281): View more from Texas

I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day

(240): View more from Maryland

hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk

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(518): View more from New York

in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.

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(406): View more from Montana

We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.

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(716): View more from New York

We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.

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(305): View more from Florida

The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God

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(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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(804): View more from Virginia

by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Life is too short to have fake orgasms.

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(903): View more from Texas

If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is

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(219): View more from Indiana

i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.

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(727): View more from Florida

I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"

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(305): View more from Florida

We have so much sex to catch up on

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will

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(949): View more from California

Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week

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(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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(716): View more from New York

it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment

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(404): View more from Georgia

I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....

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(315): View more from New York

See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday

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(708): View more from Illinois

what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.

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(850): View more from Florida

Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

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(847): View more from Illinois

No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.

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(714): View more from California

You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.

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(816): View more from Missouri

... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.

(314): View more from Missouri

I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.

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(716): View more from New York

please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.

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(417): View more from Missouri

THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(303): View more from Colorado

My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

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(360): View more from Washington

well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

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(256): View more from Alabama

So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.

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(979): View more from Texas

I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

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(816): View more from Missouri

I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible

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(317): View more from Indiana

She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while

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(440): View more from Ohio

well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.

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(817): View more from Texas

Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.

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(517): View more from Michigan

He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk

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(864): View more from South Carolina

That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(+61): View more from Australia

That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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(801): View more from Utah

Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.

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(941): View more from Florida

there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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(831): View more from California

I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all

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(604): View more from British Columbia

every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water

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(248): View more from Michigan

I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.

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(206): View more from Washington

I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.

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(410): View more from Maryland

It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.

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(541): View more from Oregon

It's like the blind leading the senile over here.

(541): View more from Oregon

UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning

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(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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(503): View more from Oregon

gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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(931): View more from Tennessee

My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Outside

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(574): View more from Indiana

Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.

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(561): View more from Florida

I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point

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(213): View more from California

you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say

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(615): View more from Tennessee

NoShamevember. You game?

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(416): View more from Toronto

At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?

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(805): View more from California

I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore

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(607): View more from New York

Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester

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(618): View more from Illinois

He's going to be my graduation present to myself.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?

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(802): View more from Vermont

You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour

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(646): View more from New York

If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.

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(406): View more from Montana

Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.

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(928): View more from Arizona

proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night

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(775): View more from Nevada

He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT

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(845): View more from New York

My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.

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(562): View more from California

I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line

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(562): View more from California

Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas

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(519): View more from Ontario

Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning

(416): View more from Toronto

Thats for me to know and you to find out.

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(520): View more from Arizona

This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You are a booty call, not a friend.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.

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(561): View more from Florida

She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.

(315): View more from New York

How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??

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(251): View more from Alabama

As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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(818): View more from California

Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.

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(540): View more from Virginia

margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away

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(207): View more from Maine

i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.

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(519): View more from Ontario

All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?

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(313): View more from Michigan

The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?

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(904): View more from Florida

I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that

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(218): View more from Minnesota

It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.

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(661): View more from California

The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.

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(816): View more from Missouri

After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.

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(214): View more from Texas

My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

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(303): View more from Colorado

Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles

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(276): View more from Virginia

They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?

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(707): View more from California

Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.

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(678): View more from Georgia

This is the weirdest negotiation ever.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.

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(315): View more from New York

Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.

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(206): View more from Washington

Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)

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(804): View more from Virginia

I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?

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(706): View more from Georgia

We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(214): View more from Texas

There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.

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(785): View more from Kansas

WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS

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(914): View more from New York

After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...

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(940): View more from Texas

Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

... I threw up in the shower this morning

(406): View more from Montana

You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.

(307): View more from Wyoming

I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this

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(320): View more from Minnesota

No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple

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(916): View more from California

I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

I wish I could understand how you function in society

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(516): View more from New York

Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

what type of emt are you

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(518): View more from New York

Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.

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(419): View more from Ohio

don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too

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(303): View more from Colorado

The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I remember it like it was tomorrow.

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(917): View more from New York City

I just don't do feelings in the summer months.

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(925): View more from California

also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.

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(616): View more from Michigan

This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.

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(208): View more from Idaho

On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?

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(613): View more from Ontario

There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.

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(469): View more from Texas

Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over

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(415): View more from California

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(315): View more from New York

Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..

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(712): View more from Iowa

I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night

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(289): View more from Ontario

This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.

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(314): View more from Missouri

It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(301): View more from Maryland

i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.

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(904): View more from Florida

Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

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(616): View more from Michigan

What changed your mind?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Being sober

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(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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(216): View more from Ohio

The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move

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(813): View more from Florida

For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me

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(623): View more from Arizona

I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You dont lie about slip and slides

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(315): View more from New York

I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.

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(817): View more from Texas

This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"

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(719): View more from Colorado

Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night

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(480): View more from Arizona

I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together

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(510): View more from California

Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious

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(515): View more from Iowa

oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer

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(310): View more from California

we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out

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(512): View more from Texas

i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Less talking, more tequila

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.

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(631): View more from New York

It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now

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(813): View more from Florida

It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.

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(772): View more from Florida

Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't they always?

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(804): View more from Virginia

i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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(314): View more from Missouri

who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?

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(913): View more from Kansas

You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

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(561): View more from Florida

The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics

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(802): View more from Vermont

What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"

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(301): View more from Maryland

Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

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(206): View more from Washington

Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(519): View more from Ontario

Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i don't plan on having that self control this summer

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

my soul wont recognize me after tonight

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(209): View more from California

i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you

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(925): View more from California

I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me

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(650): View more from California

i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug

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(614): View more from Ohio

shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us

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(703): View more from Virginia

Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays

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(913): View more from Kansas

is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?

(312): View more from Illinois

you sound like my dream girl

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(248): View more from Michigan

if you like me you must not know who I am

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(336): View more from North Carolina

after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.

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(210): View more from Texas

i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.

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(631): View more from New York

Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.

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(315): View more from New York

If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".

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(330): View more from Ohio

Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.

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(301): View more from Maryland

My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.

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(631): View more from New York

Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...

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(713): View more from Texas

yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it

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(917): View more from New York City

Sober January is a disaster.

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(830): View more from Texas

we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.

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(904): View more from Florida

I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.

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(207): View more from Maine

I think we should see other people.

(1-207): View more from Maine

Already working on it.

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(315): View more from New York

My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

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(513): View more from Ohio

theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(740): View more from Ohio

If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.

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(630): View more from Illinois

oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us

(1-630): View more from Illinois

fair point

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I can feel my liver begging me to stop.

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(949): View more from California

My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You would be my first round pick for a drinking team

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(650): View more from California

He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups

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(480): View more from Arizona

library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.

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(949): View more from California

Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?

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(631): View more from New York

when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(518): View more from New York

bad decision saturdays are such a good decision

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(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?

(443): View more from Maryland

We using my standards or yours?

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(253): View more from Washington

We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight

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(206): View more from Washington

We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.

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(415): View more from California

Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.

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(949): View more from California

Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.

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(816): View more from Missouri

you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer

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(256): View more from Alabama

she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump

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(631): View more from New York

I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.

(631): View more from New York

Cruelly.

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(518): View more from New York

In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(360): View more from Washington

Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.

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(518): View more from New York

#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE

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(772): View more from Florida

how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?

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(509): View more from Washington

the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating

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(858): View more from California

I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me

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(315): View more from New York

as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.

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(714): View more from California

It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends

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(541): View more from Oregon

Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

You're welcome.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore

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(805): View more from California

I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship

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(360): View more from Washington

i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

(1-360): View more from Washington

oh. my. god. yes.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You can't wash away shame.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I can try.

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(406): View more from Montana

You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways

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(360): View more from Washington

nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

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(206): View more from Washington

You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.

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(408): View more from California

I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we were pretty classy up until the second keg

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(231): View more from Michigan

I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.

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(206): View more from Washington

He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.

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(845): View more from New York

Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD

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(312): View more from Illinois

i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(514): View more from Quebec

maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I hope im prettier

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"

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(618): View more from Illinois

It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.

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(806): View more from Texas

That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Come over? It's my birthday

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

How many times has that text failed you tonight?

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(847): View more from Illinois

So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...

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(504): View more from Louisiana

If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.

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(518): View more from New York

im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches

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(817): View more from Texas

I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty

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(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.

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(310): View more from California

...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

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(224): View more from Illinois

That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.

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(954): View more from Florida

You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say

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(310): View more from California

Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

(626): View more from California

That's two questions.

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(585): View more from New York

Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together

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(517): View more from Michigan

I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted

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(631): View more from New York

Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

I hope you fall on your chin.

(802): View more from Vermont

Jealousy makes you ugly.

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(817): View more from Texas

Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

...the American dream.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.

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(281): View more from Texas

Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.

(940): View more from Texas

Deal.

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(648): View more from

Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over

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(417): View more from Missouri

Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.

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