Texts From Last Night · kirtap145's Favorites

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

classic

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.

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(281): View more from Texas

I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow

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(210): View more from Texas

Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.

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(210): View more from Texas

I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.

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(+49): View more from Germany

Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.

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(817): View more from Texas

New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.

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(954): View more from Florida

He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.

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(614): View more from Ohio

bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina

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(864): View more from South Carolina

he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"

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(562): View more from California

The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.

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(425): View more from Washington

I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.

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(510): View more from California

Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.

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(913): View more from Kansas

In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"

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(310): View more from California

I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob

(310): View more from California

That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.

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(415): View more from California

I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban

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(360): View more from Washington

Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.

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(301): View more from Maryland

SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.

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(917): View more from New York City

That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going

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(425): View more from Washington

Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?

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(352): View more from Florida

Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.

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(435): View more from Utah

The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?

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(386): View more from Florida

My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.

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(620): View more from Kansas

He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.

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(207): View more from Maine

you left your anal beads in the dishwasher

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(425): View more from Washington

I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.

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(425): View more from Washington

you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass

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(586): View more from Michigan

I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.

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(312): View more from Illinois

He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off

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(775): View more from Nevada

If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.

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(616): View more from Michigan

He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.

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(330): View more from Ohio

That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...

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(+61): View more from Australia

It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration

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(909): View more from California

Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.

Fav 2 140 80
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(248): View more from Michigan

I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door

(248): View more from Michigan

Best exit from a building ever

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(312): View more from Illinois

It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it

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(775): View more from Nevada

I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.

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(512): View more from Texas

That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you

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(256): View more from Alabama

I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.

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(561): View more from Florida

I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw

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(863): View more from Florida

YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON

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(530): View more from California

He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.

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(707): View more from California

He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.

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(206): View more from Washington

When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...

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(913): View more from Kansas

I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....

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(815): View more from Illinois

Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.

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(805): View more from California

I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???

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(+49): View more from Germany

I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.

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(407): View more from Florida

I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.

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(801): View more from Utah

Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!

Fav 5 196 156
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(425): View more from Washington

The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.

Fav 1 321 123
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(775): View more from Nevada

The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......

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(248): View more from Michigan

I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

What do I get.

(919): View more from North Carolina

Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.

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(905): View more from Ontario

She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.

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(239): View more from Florida

He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that

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(650): View more from California

He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!

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(996): View more from

The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant

(996): View more from

This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.

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(276): View more from Virginia

How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,

Fav 2 214 125
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(703): View more from Virginia

Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!

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(646): View more from New York

Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf

(1-646): View more from New York

So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot

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(407): View more from Florida

he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.

Fav 1 200 119
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(307): View more from Wyoming

Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."

Fav 3 197 281
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(404): View more from Georgia

I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...

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(913): View more from Kansas

Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am

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(720): View more from Colorado

I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.

(303): View more from Colorado

yea...tonic water is fucking gross.

Fav 0 164 84
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(510): View more from California

I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.

Fav 5 331 132
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(248): View more from Michigan

My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..

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(440): View more from Ohio

Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public

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(817): View more from Texas

I think we should have a sex position advent calendar

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.

Fav 1 293 126
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(650): View more from California

it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it

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(551): View more from New Jersey

Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?

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(1204): View more from

Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure

Fav 1 352 194
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(630): View more from Illinois

tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE

(708): View more from Illinois

to be fair she does have a great rack

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(586): View more from Michigan

Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.

Fav 1 168 265
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(720): View more from Colorado

I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.

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(443): View more from Maryland

WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass

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(360): View more from Washington

I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?

Fav 4 653 185
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(402): View more from Nebraska

She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"

Fav 3 415 172
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(518): View more from New York

MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.

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(315): View more from New York

He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

She had a baby Jesus butt plug

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(808): View more from Hawaii

drinks after work?

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

that question mark offends me.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.

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(801): View more from Utah

I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!

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(903): View more from Texas

Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.

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(925): View more from California

We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"

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(773): View more from Illinois

I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.

(810): View more from Michigan

family traditions my good sir

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I can't adult today.

(601): View more from Mississippi

Take a nap and try again

(734): View more from Michigan

I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.

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(419): View more from Ohio

She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor

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(416): View more from Toronto

Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.

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(586): View more from Michigan

In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?

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(703): View more from Virginia

so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough

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(630): View more from Illinois

You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!

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(949): View more from California

I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today

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(626): View more from California

we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night

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(407): View more from Florida

We can't do acid Disneyworld.

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(509): View more from Washington

Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..

(360): View more from Washington

Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.

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(706): View more from Georgia

This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life

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(614): View more from Ohio

The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.

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(818): View more from California

I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire

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(713): View more from Texas

Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?

Fav 1 556 369
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(847): View more from Illinois

My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?

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(805): View more from California

you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends

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(425): View more from Washington

Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.

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(707): View more from California

Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.

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(815): View more from Illinois

You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.

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(904): View more from Florida

All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth

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(705): View more from Ontario

He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...

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(440): View more from Ohio

You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.

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(914): View more from New York

I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock

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(804): View more from Virginia

One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen

(1-804): View more from Virginia

summertime

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(447): View more from

Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole

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(989): View more from Michigan

Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.

(706): View more from Georgia

So you're drunk waiting for the bus.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.

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(425): View more from Washington

Found the cure to anxiety attacks.

(425): View more from Washington

An orgasm

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(501): View more from Arkansas

When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING

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(212): View more from New York

Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?

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(775): View more from Nevada

He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.

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(315): View more from New York

i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters

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(318): View more from Louisiana

she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper

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(308): View more from Nebraska

got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level

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(330): View more from Ohio

Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!

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(231): View more from Michigan

That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...

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(954): View more from Florida

I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.

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(909): View more from California

Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work

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(720): View more from Colorado

There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11

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(214): View more from Texas

You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night

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(903): View more from Texas

He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.

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(410): View more from Maryland

For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.

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(850): View more from Florida

Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.

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(936): View more from Texas

My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.

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(509): View more from Washington

In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.

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(519): View more from Ontario

People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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(330): View more from Ohio

GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!

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(702): View more from Nevada

By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set

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(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year

(604): View more from British Columbia

wow. THAT good huh

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(334): View more from Alabama

Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?

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(585): View more from New York

just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use

(716): View more from New York

how?

(585): View more from New York

not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days

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(406): View more from Montana

I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...

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(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.

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(850): View more from Florida

This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof

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(948): View more from

He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.

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(214): View more from Texas

Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.

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(707): View more from California

The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.

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(740): View more from Ohio

We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.

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(719): View more from Colorado

The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.

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(613): View more from Ontario

As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.

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(913): View more from Kansas

He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"

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(816): View more from Missouri

Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.

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(310): View more from California

If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay

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(313): View more from Michigan

Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.

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(847): View more from Illinois

She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.

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(813): View more from Florida

I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.

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(425): View more from Washington

OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...

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(727): View more from Florida

Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.

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(386): View more from Florida

The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant

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(417): View more from Missouri

nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.

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(904): View more from Florida

I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.

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(323): View more from California

He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

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(619): View more from California

Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"

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(516): View more from New York

I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?

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(239): View more from Florida

Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."

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(812): View more from Indiana

I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad

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(248): View more from Michigan

The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk

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(304): View more from West Virginia

NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

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(979): View more from Texas

I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.

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(646): View more from New York

Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom

(347): View more from New York

I can't even drink.

(646): View more from New York

The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.

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(905): View more from Ontario

All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.

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(515): View more from Iowa

So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....

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(513): View more from Ohio

Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.

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(435): View more from Utah

I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read

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(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

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(775): View more from Nevada

Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(516): View more from New York

My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bad breakup?

(1-410): View more from Maryland

He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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(916): View more from California

She said she liked strap-ons.

(1-916): View more from California

SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!

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(206): View more from Washington

The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.

(909): View more from California

Whaaaaaat? No way.

(206): View more from Washington

Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.

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(909): View more from California

So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.

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(863): View more from Florida

I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule

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(937): View more from Ohio

My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap

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(661): View more from California

Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...

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(830): View more from Texas

Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.

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(909): View more from California

I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(916): View more from California

I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME

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(631): View more from New York

he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing

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(432): View more from Texas

3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.

(1-432): View more from Texas

Erry day erry day!

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(613): View more from Ontario

Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.

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(440): View more from Ohio

she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even

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(386): View more from Florida

Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".

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(517): View more from Michigan

Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

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(530): View more from California

Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection

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(360): View more from Washington

She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit

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(760): View more from California

Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.

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(317): View more from Indiana

do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?

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(815): View more from Illinois

You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather

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(830): View more from Texas

No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He sprained his penis one time

(603): View more from New Hampshire

He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis

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(264): View more from Anguilla

I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?

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(406): View more from Montana

You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt

(1-406): View more from Montana

That literally makes no sense

(406): View more from Montana

Exactly

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(704): View more from North Carolina

And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS

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(614): View more from Ohio

I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?

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(469): View more from Texas

You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.

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(407): View more from Florida

Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.

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(360): View more from Washington

Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

(253): View more from Washington

you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.

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(956): View more from Texas

The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.

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(979): View more from Texas

He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out

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(845): View more from New York

Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..

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(917): View more from New York City

She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am

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(903): View more from Texas

He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding

(541): View more from Oregon

Can I have him when you're done?

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(812): View more from Indiana

and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out

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(209): View more from California

I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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(903): View more from Texas

Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Oh that's normal

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(204): View more from Manitoba

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.

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(707): View more from California

We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..

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(302): View more from Delaware

She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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(541): View more from Oregon

bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...

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(815): View more from Illinois

You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Best Friends For Life.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.

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(518): View more from New York

I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

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(815): View more from Illinois

My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.

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(714): View more from California

I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(214): View more from Texas

well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.

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(330): View more from Ohio

he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..

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(775): View more from Nevada

she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever

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(808): View more from Hawaii

To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.

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(212): View more from New York

I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex

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(951): View more from California

Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.

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(914): View more from New York

My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time

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(917): View more from New York City

I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.

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(239): View more from Florida

He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.

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(279): View more from

Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?

(574): View more from Indiana

You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home

(647): View more from Ontario

Was he satisfied?

(416): View more from Toronto

No, and very vocal about it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

(518): View more from New York

So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Ew! He's just a child!

(361): View more from Texas

AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.

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(646): View more from New York

You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?

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(205): View more from Alabama

I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.

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(217): View more from Illinois

While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.

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(503): View more from Oregon

She wants to have naked weekends

(541): View more from Oregon

They call that free range vagina in France

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(248): View more from Michigan

There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style

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(817): View more from Texas

she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable

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(912): View more from Georgia

She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.

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(417): View more from Missouri

So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.

(1-471): View more from

That's all you talk about when you are wasted.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.

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(512): View more from Texas

Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.

(512): View more from Texas

Wont she be proud, Hailey.

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(+22): View more from

Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.

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(518): View more from New York

They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.

(1-518): View more from New York

Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.

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(214): View more from Texas

Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?

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(702): View more from Nevada

Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons

(702): View more from Nevada

Does that work!! Please say yes

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.

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(541): View more from Oregon

She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.

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(248): View more from Michigan

For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.

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(916): View more from California

He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.

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(705): View more from Ontario

He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.

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(587): View more from Alberta

Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.

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(707): View more from California

I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER

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(714): View more from California

You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.

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(587): View more from Alberta

Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap

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(847): View more from Illinois

This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.

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(514): View more from Quebec

We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...

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(208): View more from Idaho

Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"

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(425): View more from Washington

We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina

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(914): View more from New York

I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza

(917): View more from New York City

The hookers weren't a dream get tested

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(248): View more from Michigan

She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."

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(540): View more from Virginia

She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?

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(941): View more from Florida

Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?

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(269): View more from Michigan

he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing

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(425): View more from Washington

ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.

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(760): View more from California

She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.

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(415): View more from California

Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.

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(954): View more from Florida

in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand

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(540): View more from Virginia

Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.

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(410): View more from Maryland

That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!

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(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(807): View more from Ontario

If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!

(410): View more from Maryland

dude. im stealing that.

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(949): View more from California

So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Apparently you can coat check a keg.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs

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(514): View more from Quebec

She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.

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(512): View more from Texas

That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.

(210): View more from Texas

It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?

(512): View more from Texas

Is your card paying for my plan b?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you are the most awesome.

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(377): View more from

I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"

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(740): View more from Ohio

besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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(813): View more from Florida

$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.

(319): View more from Iowa

Thanks bro

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(914): View more from New York

Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.

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(631): View more from New York

You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles

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(209): View more from California

We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.

(1-209): View more from California

Duh.

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(845): View more from New York

She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.

(1-845): View more from New York

she is way to in-touch with her childhood

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(512): View more from Texas

He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!

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(716): View more from New York

Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet

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(651): View more from Minnesota

raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win

(608): View more from Wisconsin

lets go back to having secrets in our friendship

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(404): View more from Georgia

The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.

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(530): View more from California

I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?

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(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

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(613): View more from Ontario

just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee

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(510): View more from California

Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.

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(518): View more from New York

Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.

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(323): View more from California

It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"

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(210): View more from Texas

My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.

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(602): View more from Arizona

As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.

(208): View more from Idaho

I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.

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(512): View more from Texas

Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.

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(303): View more from Colorado

His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.

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(727): View more from Florida

just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..

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(254): View more from Texas

There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator

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(919): View more from North Carolina

she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl

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(513): View more from Ohio

Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.

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(206): View more from Washington

Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.

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(817): View more from Texas

Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.

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(716): View more from New York

As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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(757): View more from Virginia

You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat

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(207): View more from Maine

I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

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(916): View more from California

Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.

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(310): View more from California

Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face

(310): View more from California

On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won

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(512): View more from Texas

I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina

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(248): View more from Michigan

They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"

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(509): View more from Washington

You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

(856): View more from New Jersey

dear god, who put you in a cab?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?

(217): View more from Illinois

Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...

(1+44): View more from

That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...

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(858): View more from California

No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.

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(614): View more from Ohio

2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine

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(510): View more from California

I'm trying to make a sex playlist

(916): View more from California

record yourself crying and put it on a loop.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.

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(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles

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(716): View more from New York

just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night

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(207): View more from Maine

Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?

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(740): View more from Ohio

As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.

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(315): View more from New York

Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.

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(310): View more from California

I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...

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(571): View more from Virginia

you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again

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(512): View more from Texas

her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

(1-512): View more from Texas

you motherfucker

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(541): View more from Oregon

Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

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(540): View more from Virginia

The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"

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(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

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(214): View more from Texas

If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.

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(614): View more from Ohio

at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(212): View more from New York

Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.

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(904): View more from Florida

you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.

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(513): View more from Ohio

So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.

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(310): View more from California

Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...

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(503): View more from Oregon

College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

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(269): View more from Michigan

It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.

(1-269): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to decorate you...

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(419): View more from Ohio

Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again

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(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

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(718): View more from New York

My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room

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(219): View more from Indiana

Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.

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(631): View more from New York

Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision

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(303): View more from Colorado

doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts

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(519): View more from Ontario

If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes

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(503): View more from Oregon

since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either

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(573): View more from Missouri

What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though

(289): View more from Ontario

Lolll I'll be sleeping

(905): View more from Ontario

I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.

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(954): View more from Florida

oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?

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(830): View more from Texas

I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.

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(458): View more from Oregon

I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.

(350): View more from

You are my idol.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash

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(716): View more from New York

I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...

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(210): View more from Texas

just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"

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(713): View more from Texas

do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?

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(315): View more from New York

I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you

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(517): View more from Michigan

i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...

(404): View more from Georgia

I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.

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(509): View more from Washington

And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.

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(206): View more from Washington

I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.

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(647): View more from Ontario

My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?

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(212): View more from New York

Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off

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(303): View more from Colorado

I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult

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(708): View more from Illinois

Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...

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(802): View more from Vermont

Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Those memories are both hazy and awesome.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.

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(510): View more from California

she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong

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(503): View more from Oregon

Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.

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(419): View more from Ohio

laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!

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(636): View more from Missouri

Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight

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(269): View more from Michigan

All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.

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(813): View more from Florida

that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.

(614): View more from Ohio

I was always good at matching as a child.

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(217): View more from Illinois

not the best booty call

(1-217): View more from Illinois

did she squirt?

(217): View more from Illinois

only if tears count

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me

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(614): View more from Ohio

would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.

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(574): View more from Indiana

A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

You're welcome.

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(936): View more from Texas

I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.

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(559): View more from California

I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?

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(360): View more from Washington

Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness

(1-248): View more from Michigan

don't cry, we can learn from her

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(410): View more from Maryland

you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.

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(269): View more from Michigan

He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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(517): View more from Michigan

Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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(501): View more from Arkansas

And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"

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(416): View more from Toronto

You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony

(289): View more from Ontario

Yeah I know, the people below me already told me

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(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"

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(360): View more from Washington

My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.

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(206): View more from Washington

thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.

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(434): View more from Virginia

some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.

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(909): View more from California

Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there

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(301): View more from Maryland

A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.

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(514): View more from Quebec

She just gave me a free latte.

(416): View more from Toronto

Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science

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(816): View more from Missouri

You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you

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(607): View more from New York

Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.

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(760): View more from California

all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny

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(850): View more from Florida

Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"

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(256): View more from Alabama

Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?

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(302): View more from Delaware

My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call

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(907): View more from Alaska

If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry

(1-307): View more from Wyoming

I'm hurrying

(307): View more from Wyoming

Dude. She just shit herself.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)

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(315): View more from New York

He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on

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(561): View more from Florida

Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.

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(519): View more from Ontario

we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

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(907): View more from Alaska

You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you

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(217): View more from Illinois

the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office

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(707): View more from California

come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina

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(214): View more from Texas

There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.

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(325): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(830): View more from Texas

Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music

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(260): View more from Indiana

He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.

(317): View more from Indiana

I know, she tried to drink it

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(937): View more from Ohio

she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.

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(845): View more from New York

im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night

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(727): View more from Florida

I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"

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(+61): View more from Australia

You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.

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(817): View more from Texas

We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.

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(248): View more from Michigan

All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.

(269): View more from Michigan

Gonna go for any of them?

(248): View more from Michigan

Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.

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(646): View more from New York

Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done

(760): View more from California

Victory lap

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.

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(806): View more from Texas

He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.

(1-806): View more from Texas

I feel like you never had a virginity..

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

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(214): View more from Texas

Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?

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(949): View more from California

In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.

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(912): View more from Georgia

He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.

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(408): View more from California

Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.

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(408): View more from California

Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(509): View more from Washington

Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.

(406): View more from Montana

Hospital.

(509): View more from Washington

I am invincible.

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(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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(435): View more from Utah

When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.

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(512): View more from Texas

I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.

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(360): View more from Washington

Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.

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(239): View more from Florida

Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.

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(513): View more from Ohio

2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.

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(210): View more from Texas

She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"

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(516): View more from New York

Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar

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(214): View more from Texas

There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....

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(716): View more from New York

she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper

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(406): View more from Montana

There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.

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(925): View more from California

she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"

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(207): View more from Maine

this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!

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(716): View more from New York

Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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(435): View more from Utah

Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later

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(208): View more from Idaho

I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

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(954): View more from Florida

She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.

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(480): View more from Arizona

My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"

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(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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(404): View more from Georgia

You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together

(770): View more from Georgia

The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy

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(618): View more from Illinois

This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.

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(619): View more from California

The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either

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(330): View more from Ohio

I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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(941): View more from Florida

so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(607): View more from New York

you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

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(915): View more from Texas

so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on

(1-915): View more from Texas

who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me

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(480): View more from Arizona

she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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(631): View more from New York

My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud

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(971): View more from Oregon

this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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(863): View more from Florida

I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(817): View more from Texas

Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.

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