Texts From Last Night · mgeary's Favorites

mgeary's Favorites Texts:

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(808): View more from Hawaii

So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

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(65): View more from

Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.

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(217): View more from Illinois

If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...

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(802): View more from Vermont

i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording

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(317): View more from Indiana

hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl

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(217): View more from Illinois

Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns

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(850): View more from Florida

My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?

(1-850): View more from Florida

It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again

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(773): View more from Illinois

I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.

(847): View more from Illinois

Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.

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(813): View more from Florida

from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers

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(320): View more from Minnesota

In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS

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(330): View more from Ohio

She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.

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(561): View more from Florida

u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring

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(757): View more from Virginia

almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.

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(561): View more from Florida

walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow

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(406): View more from Montana

130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!

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(989): View more from Michigan

TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.

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(417): View more from Missouri

So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.

(1-471): View more from

That's all you talk about when you are wasted.

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(914): View more from New York

we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.

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(240): View more from Maryland

she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

You sound pretty unsure about all of this.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.

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(623): View more from Arizona

He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS

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(416): View more from Toronto

this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me

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(702): View more from Nevada

Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons

(702): View more from Nevada

Does that work!! Please say yes

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(330): View more from Ohio

i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(817): View more from Texas

If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag

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(+27): View more from South Africa

i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(707): View more from California

just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(512): View more from Texas

So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married

(214): View more from Texas

What? They have three kids?

(512): View more from Texas

Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me

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(804): View more from Virginia

just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos

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(612): View more from Minnesota

so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..

(507): View more from Minnesota

god i miss watching you do this...

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(317): View more from Indiana

So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(509): View more from Washington

walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

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(628): View more from California

That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.

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(714): View more from California

Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.

(1-714): View more from California

If he was naked that was me.

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(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Five things that make you perfect. Go.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.

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(585): View more from New York

we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.

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(941): View more from Florida

Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(903): View more from Texas

We talked him into tasing himself.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations

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(301): View more from Maryland

Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"

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(206): View more from Washington

the night ended with taco bell and tears

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(514): View more from Quebec

Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for

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(225): View more from Louisiana

things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.

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(979): View more from Texas

so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.

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(516): View more from New York

Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on

(917): View more from New York City

Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

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(989): View more from Michigan

i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.

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(520): View more from Arizona

hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.

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(817): View more from Texas

In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone

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(208): View more from Idaho

I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.

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(513): View more from Ohio

First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...

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(636): View more from Missouri

The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem

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(315): View more from New York

I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

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(323): View more from California

The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.

(1-323): View more from California

Did you put it in the freezer again?

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(917): View more from New York City

we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.

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(305): View more from Florida

Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH

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(980): View more from North Carolina

I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

(704): View more from North Carolina

oh, you finally did the dishes then?

(980): View more from North Carolina

No, bought new ones.

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(530): View more from California

On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?

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(425): View more from Washington

ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.

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(760): View more from California

She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.

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(585): View more from New York

Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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(517): View more from Michigan

Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.

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(415): View more from California

Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.

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(949): View more from California

Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.

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(360): View more from Washington

There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..

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(701): View more from North Dakota

My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.

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(707): View more from California

I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

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(614): View more from Ohio

You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.

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(240): View more from Maryland

and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.

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(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

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(240): View more from Maryland

You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.

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(440): View more from Ohio

why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.

(1-440): View more from Ohio

you have got to be kidding?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh

(513): View more from Ohio

is this your pickup line?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion

(202): View more from Washington, DC

He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again

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(864): View more from South Carolina

her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.

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(269): View more from Michigan

its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic

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(773): View more from Illinois

he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving

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(402): View more from Nebraska

hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

come over

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(517): View more from Michigan

careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus

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(734): View more from Michigan

wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer

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(314): View more from Missouri

sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire

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(302): View more from Delaware

She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"

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(520): View more from Arizona

I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie

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(201): View more from New Jersey

its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out

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(301): View more from Maryland

My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.

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(914): View more from New York

Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.

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(703): View more from Virginia

capris are just wrong

(703): View more from Virginia

its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.

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(636): View more from Missouri

FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.

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(516): View more from New York

you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.

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(740): View more from Ohio

so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could

(216): View more from Ohio

did she say where she was going

(740): View more from Ohio

apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars

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(224): View more from Illinois

hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube

(630): View more from Illinois

my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

you traded sex for a burrito?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.

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(541): View more from Oregon

he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

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(917): View more from New York City

East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?

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(703): View more from Virginia

look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys

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(303): View more from Colorado

God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.

(720): View more from Colorado

And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.

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(516): View more from New York

It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.

(623): View more from Arizona

Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.

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(303): View more from Colorado

maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.

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(208): View more from Idaho

His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.

(1-208): View more from Idaho

HE'S 26!!!

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(630): View more from Illinois

the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.

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(760): View more from California

my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...

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(319): View more from Iowa

THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey kate, how is it?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.

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(818): View more from California

I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.

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(520): View more from Arizona

just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?

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(517): View more from Michigan

My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

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(816): View more from Missouri

believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart

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(540): View more from Virginia

i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth

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(770): View more from Georgia

good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.

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(480): View more from Arizona

They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."

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(970): View more from Colorado

Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.

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(239): View more from Florida

While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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(305): View more from Florida

Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

(615): View more from Tennessee

She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

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(512): View more from Texas

Just fell off a train. Bad.

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(647): View more from Ontario

she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I got her a Nickelback box set.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"

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(804): View more from Virginia

So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?

(313): View more from Michigan

death...100% death...what r u planning.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.

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(831): View more from California

I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.

(1-831): View more from California

Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable

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(205): View more from Alabama

How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..

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(210): View more from Texas

I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"

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(619): View more from California

he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

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(775): View more from Nevada

I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.

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(914): View more from New York

He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio

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(434): View more from Virginia

I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(682): View more from Texas

why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations

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(301): View more from Maryland

I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out

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(206): View more from Washington

Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.

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(301): View more from Maryland

the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

(1-253): View more from Washington

What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.

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(727): View more from Florida

singing on the bus should be illegal

(607): View more from New York

huh?

(727): View more from Florida

There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down

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(847): View more from Illinois

Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode

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(438): View more from Quebec

My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.

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(347): View more from New York

Moan for me like Helen Keller

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(859): View more from Kentucky

in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"

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(914): View more from New York

Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.

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(647): View more from Ontario

a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

explains the nose bleeds.

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(310): View more from California

Even water is tasting like jack daniels

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(435): View more from Utah

When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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(847): View more from Illinois

On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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(206): View more from Washington

i want to swaddle you in tequila

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(512): View more from Texas

Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(678): View more from Georgia

I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.

(770): View more from Georgia

WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!

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(423): View more from Tennessee

two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.

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(941): View more from Florida

Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?

(1-941): View more from Florida

Wow! You need to get laid.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?

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(360): View more from Washington

Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?

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(606): View more from Kentucky

This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.

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(979): View more from Texas

For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.

(512): View more from Texas

You. Win. At. Life.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(614): View more from Ohio

making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy

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(615): View more from Tennessee

we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.

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(260): View more from Indiana

U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.

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(707): View more from California

nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

(720): View more from Colorado

Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

(303): View more from Colorado

my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

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(602): View more from Arizona

As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.

(208): View more from Idaho

I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.

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(804): View more from Virginia

My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

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(989): View more from Michigan

i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.

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(702): View more from Nevada

As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.

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(807): View more from Ontario

If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.

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(415): View more from California

Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!

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(641): View more from Iowa

This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.

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(805): View more from California

You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?

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(443): View more from Maryland

i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!

(410): View more from Maryland

dude. im stealing that.

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(442): View more from California

While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.

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(949): View more from California

You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?

(1-618): View more from Illinois

We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.

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(810): View more from Michigan

You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.

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(512): View more from Texas

That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.

(210): View more from Texas

It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?

(512): View more from Texas

Is your card paying for my plan b?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.

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