Texts From Last Night · oddsam's Favorites

oddsam's Favorites Texts:

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(641): View more from Iowa

is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.

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(416): View more from Toronto

he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...

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(660): View more from Missouri

He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"

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(614): View more from Ohio

i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?

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(914): View more from New York

She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?

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(478): View more from Georgia

So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis

(410): View more from Maryland

Sounds like a really classy character....

(478): View more from Georgia

He is classy. It was argyle.

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(360): View more from Washington

Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day

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(904): View more from Florida

my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.

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(914): View more from New York

I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.

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(740): View more from Ohio

i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.

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(805): View more from California

the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie

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(551): View more from New Jersey

Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead

(201): View more from New Jersey

NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school

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(423): View more from Tennessee

i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.

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(850): View more from Florida

We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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(678): View more from Georgia

After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory

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(518): View more from New York

Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.

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(850): View more from Florida

Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(440): View more from Ohio

it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once

(1-440): View more from Ohio

that is the greatest description ever

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(503): View more from Oregon

Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?

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(240): View more from Maryland

oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times

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(+77): View more from

her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude i feel like shit

(413): View more from Massachusetts

well u did eat a lot of play-doh

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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(513): View more from Ohio

How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.

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(613): View more from Ontario

My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian

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(954): View more from Florida

Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.

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(561): View more from Florida

Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha how do you remember that?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

HOW COULD I FORGET?!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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(815): View more from Illinois

I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.

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(503): View more from Oregon

bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out

(440): View more from Ohio

seek help.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied

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(564): View more from Washington

He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns

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(416): View more from Ontario

I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?

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(631): View more from New York

Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.

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(716): View more from New York

So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.

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(512): View more from Texas

did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.

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(313): View more from Michigan

All I've ever wanted to do in life is right

(517): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should learn how to spell write first

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(480): View more from Arizona

so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic

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(478): View more from Georgia

This is not my ceiling

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(304): View more from West Virginia

you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life

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(813): View more from Florida

I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I understand Curling. That high.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.

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(631): View more from New York

what you doin?

(516): View more from New York

I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

(631): View more from New York

reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

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(909): View more from California

dude i'm inner monologue high

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(773): View more from Illinois

arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now

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(440): View more from Ohio

omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

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(719): View more from Colorado

so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked

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(614): View more from Ohio

just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?

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(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

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(856): View more from New Jersey

What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it

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(419): View more from Ohio

I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

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(443): View more from Maryland

he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(541): View more from Oregon

I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.

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(352): View more from Florida

I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk

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(703): View more from Virginia

Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.

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(214): View more from Texas

come over

(1-214): View more from Texas

yeah sure

(1-214): View more from Texas

wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10

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(315): View more from New York

My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high

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(214): View more from Texas

I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.

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(517): View more from Michigan

the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"

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(970): View more from Colorado

Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude

(1-970): View more from Colorado

You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?

(970): View more from Colorado

Shut the hell up.

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...

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(706): View more from Georgia

Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.

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(757): View more from Virginia

im trying to make cookies in the george foreman

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(705): View more from Ontario

never. drinking. again.

(1-705): View more from Ontario

lets not get ahead of ourselves.

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(650): View more from California

The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right

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(260): View more from Indiana

I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.

(260): View more from Indiana

Sorry- wrong number! :)

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

he should get drunk with us

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(817): View more from Texas

Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

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(917): View more from New York City

she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?

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(512): View more from Texas

My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house

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(310): View more from California

kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.

(1-310): View more from California

damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.

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(760): View more from California

We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

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(708): View more from Illinois

you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(314): View more from Missouri

i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(718): View more from New York

We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.

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(714): View more from California

i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.

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(316): View more from Kansas

My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water

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(360): View more from Washington

Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?

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(480): View more from Arizona

Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

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