Texts From Last Night · roadhead101's Favorites

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roadhead101's Favorites Texts:

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse

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(320): View more from Minnesota

No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple

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(419): View more from Ohio

I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4

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(270): View more from Kentucky

No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy

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(705): View more from Ontario

Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife

(440): View more from Ohio

My tits sealed my fate

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(779): View more from Illinois

I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.

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(779): View more from Illinois

Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

Probably

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(435): View more from Utah

some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.

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(407): View more from Florida

Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"

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(231): View more from Michigan

I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina

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(607): View more from New York

Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess

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(530): View more from California

That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.

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(616): View more from Michigan

My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break

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(954): View more from Florida

Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.

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(407): View more from Florida

I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Did it work?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.

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(406): View more from Montana

You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways

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(443): View more from Maryland

sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends

(336): View more from North Carolina

I know, I was there.

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(714): View more from California

You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I regret nothing

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(251): View more from Alabama

why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?

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(914): View more from New York

He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List

(914): View more from New York

Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.

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(386): View more from Florida

He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.

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(317): View more from Indiana

honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.

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(775): View more from Nevada

She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.

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(540): View more from Virginia

If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me

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(702): View more from Nevada

We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Yes and so do I

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?

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(916): View more from California

the gays at disneyland are vicious

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(765): View more from Indiana

I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no

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(562): View more from California

I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.

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(231): View more from Michigan

So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?

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(316): View more from Kansas

I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle

(612): View more from Minnesota

safety first

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(714): View more from California

He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit

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(641): View more from Iowa

you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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(360): View more from Washington

Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.

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(616): View more from Michigan

This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over

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(248): View more from Michigan

My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks

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(847): View more from Illinois

This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.

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(516): View more from New York

Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.

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(802): View more from Vermont

What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"

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(419): View more from Ohio

I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.

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(914): View more from New York

im gay

(203): View more from Connecticut

i know

(914): View more from New York

yea but for you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.

(719): View more from Colorado

this better not be you asking for a beej

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(818): View more from California

he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?

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(407): View more from Florida

The bars here don't close until 4!

(703): View more from Virginia

my legs don't close until 4

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(336): View more from North Carolina

you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?

(828): View more from North Carolina

Sobriety and mild self-respect

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(514): View more from Quebec

can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??

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(913): View more from Kansas

I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!

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(310): View more from California

we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck

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(605): View more from South Dakota

white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

Both

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(519): View more from Ontario

Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.

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(310): View more from California

I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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(801): View more from Utah

Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.

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(740): View more from Ohio

the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless

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(631): View more from New York

I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse

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(317): View more from Indiana

Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?

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(905): View more from Ontario

When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?

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(716): View more from New York

On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar

(1-716): View more from New York

I think you broke the trashy scale

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(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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(585): View more from New York

he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice

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(916): View more from California

day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis

(757): View more from Virginia

your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like

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(812): View more from Indiana

No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...

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(847): View more from Illinois

we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.

(270): View more from Kentucky

No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.

(618): View more from Illinois

Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on

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(518): View more from New York

His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.

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(515): View more from Iowa

P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready

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(206): View more from Washington

Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.

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(248): View more from Michigan

if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me

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(760): View more from California

You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.

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(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick

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(415): View more from California

i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation

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(504): View more from Louisiana

dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!

(985): View more from Louisiana

doesn't he have a girlfriend???

(504): View more from Louisiana

yeah...who do you think woke us up...

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(310): View more from California

He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I will cut you

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me

(423): View more from Tennessee

Put that in perspective

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(908): View more from New Jersey

no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway

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(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

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(985): View more from Louisiana

My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.

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(813): View more from Florida

Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore

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(719): View more from Colorado

Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

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(419): View more from Ohio

i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself

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(61): View more from Australia

who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.

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(631): View more from New York

We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts

(1-631): View more from New York

Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex

(404): View more from Georgia

Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut

(770): View more from Georgia

Fuck. Wron person. But yea

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(646): View more from New York

Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel

(773): View more from Illinois

Only the gays

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone

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(651): View more from Minnesota

she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.

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(503): View more from Oregon

It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night

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(713): View more from Texas

I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...

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(775): View more from Nevada

He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Fuck he won the bet

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.

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(714): View more from California

dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess

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(925): View more from California

his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says

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(909): View more from California

He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.

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(845): View more from New York

i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.

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(503): View more from Oregon

She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

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(716): View more from New York

You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm skeptical of all drag queens.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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(775): View more from Nevada

If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.

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(719): View more from Colorado

It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Who haven't you slept with?

(703): View more from Virginia

No one comes to mind.

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(517): View more from Michigan

You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins

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(503): View more from Oregon

If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family

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(315): View more from New York

hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

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(703): View more from Virginia

fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.

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(607): View more from New York

Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.

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(212): View more from New York

1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend

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(513): View more from Ohio

woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her

(513): View more from Ohio

me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..

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(256): View more from Alabama

I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.

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(850): View more from Florida

He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.

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(661): View more from California

Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?

(1-661): View more from California

What the hell did you do last night?!

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(562): View more from California

well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed

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(912): View more from Georgia

an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks

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(707): View more from California

He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.

(740): View more from Ohio

Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with

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(516): View more from New York

He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this

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(802): View more from Vermont

Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life

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(808): View more from Hawaii

And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?

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(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

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(850): View more from Florida

There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend

(703): View more from Virginia

You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.

(303): View more from Colorado

well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you

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(512): View more from Texas

just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?

(1-512): View more from Texas

pretty standard. you have fun last night?

(512): View more from Texas

apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?

(1-512): View more from Texas

typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

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(623): View more from Arizona

Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.

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(914): View more from New York

Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video

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(203): View more from Connecticut

well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.

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(207): View more from Maine

someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?

(1-207): View more from Maine

since 2006

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(630): View more from Illinois

oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us

(1-630): View more from Illinois

fair point

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.

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(386): View more from Florida

At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?

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(347): View more from New York

I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.

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(718): View more from New York

Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."

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(941): View more from Florida

sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat

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(703): View more from Virginia

I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.

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(619): View more from California

thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina

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(585): View more from New York

I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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(347): View more from New York

the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks

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(616): View more from Michigan

You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.

(248): View more from Michigan

no

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(269): View more from Michigan

I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.

(616): View more from Michigan

Who said I want to share with you?

(269): View more from Michigan

You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.

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(513): View more from Ohio

the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.

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(720): View more from Colorado

the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one

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(847): View more from Illinois

Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.

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(317): View more from Indiana

on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?

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(613): View more from Ontario

you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved

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(204): View more from Manitoba

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home

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(619): View more from California

He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

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(406): View more from Montana

sick fucks of a feather flock together

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(203): View more from Connecticut

But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do

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(914): View more from New York

Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just found out I have a small penis.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.

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(407): View more from Florida

Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.

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(310): View more from California

something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up

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(903): View more from Texas

So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Have you learned any life lessons?

(406): View more from Montana

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.

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(214): View more from Texas

Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(574): View more from Indiana

should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?

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(360): View more from Washington

sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed

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(503): View more from Oregon

You'll be proud of me

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Who did you not have sex with

(503): View more from Oregon

Damn it...you know me too well

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?

(940): View more from Texas

homeless.

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(212): View more from New York

You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..

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(678): View more from Georgia

His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.

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(805): View more from California

He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????

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(248): View more from Michigan

When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.

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(714): View more from California

I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.

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(628): View more from California

i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me

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(251): View more from Alabama

I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.

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(360): View more from Washington

Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice

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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.

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(915): View more from Texas

so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on

(1-915): View more from Texas

who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me

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(231): View more from Michigan

OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?

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(703): View more from Virginia

we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'

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(940): View more from Texas

there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

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(845): View more from New York

He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.

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(817): View more from Texas

how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?

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(949): View more from California

i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(626): View more from California

Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?

(308): View more from Nebraska

Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.

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(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth

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(802): View more from Vermont

Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."

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(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

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(302): View more from Delaware

you goin out tonight?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

who is this.

(302): View more from Delaware

your orgasm for tonight

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about

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(207): View more from Maine

I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fuck appropriateness.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!

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(224): View more from Illinois

Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.

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(928): View more from Arizona

its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?

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(210): View more from Texas

I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job

(917): View more from New York City

You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(415): View more from California

And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"

(1-415): View more from California

What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.

(415): View more from California

He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."

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(904): View more from Florida

Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.

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(626): View more from California

HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?

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(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

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(916): View more from California

But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.

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(646): View more from New York

This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie

(347): View more from New York

It's not

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(785): View more from Kansas

Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?

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(785): View more from Kansas

So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.

(770): View more from Georgia

WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever

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(904): View more from Florida

im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!

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(586): View more from Michigan

he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch

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(352): View more from Florida

Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish

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(858): View more from California

for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers

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(619): View more from California

Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.

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(348): View more from

Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.

(1-348): View more from

You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.

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(310): View more from California

I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Only if they know about it too.

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(818): View more from California

thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)

(661): View more from California

should have blown me.

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(347): View more from New York

He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?

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(440): View more from Ohio

i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.

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(248): View more from Michigan

guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?

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(804): View more from Virginia

Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.

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(513): View more from Ohio

the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!

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(708): View more from Illinois

For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?

(773): View more from Illinois

To be honest, kinda.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.

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(904): View more from Florida

i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.

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(+65): View more from

He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?

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(812): View more from Indiana

Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?

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