Texts From Last Night · scoutsniper1166's Favorites

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(903): View more from Texas

On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?

(979): View more from Texas

Definite 12.2 but worth it.

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(646): View more from New York

NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??

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(818): View more from California

I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly

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(716): View more from New York

I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.

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(519): View more from Ontario

She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"

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(727): View more from Florida

So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?

(303): View more from Colorado

We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.

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(927): View more from

Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?

(727): View more from Florida

ME.

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(756): View more from

i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.

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(512): View more from Texas

I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program

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(760): View more from California

Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face

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(727): View more from Florida

i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning

(651): View more from Minnesota

you win. again.

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(773): View more from Illinois

yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.

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(740): View more from Ohio

At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."

(414): View more from Wisconsin

That's literally the perfect eulogy

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(415): View more from California

Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator

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(917): View more from New York City

She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.

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(703): View more from Virginia

How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

She didn't like my gingervitis joke

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(804): View more from Virginia

In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange

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(210): View more from Texas

Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.

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(661): View more from California

Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample

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(404): View more from Georgia

PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!

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(517): View more from Michigan

To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

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(434): View more from Virginia

I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.

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(616): View more from Michigan

if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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(705): View more from Ontario

He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.

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(619): View more from California

We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry

(828): View more from North Carolina

Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302

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(805): View more from California

So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka

(1-805): View more from California

Sweet. Did I win?

(805): View more from California

Youre hungover arent you?

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(419): View more from Ohio

They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.

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(905): View more from Ontario

you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.

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(480): View more from Arizona

While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.

(602): View more from Arizona

What other scale is there?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(972): View more from Texas

I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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(571): View more from Virginia

Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

(703): View more from Virginia

this can't be going anywhere good

(571): View more from Virginia

nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

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(323): View more from California

Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

(1-323): View more from California

We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

(323): View more from California

Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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(480): View more from Arizona

my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(864): View more from South Carolina

weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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