Texts From Last Night · xanax

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window

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(519): View more from Ontario

dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.

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(678): View more from Georgia

And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(941): View more from Florida

Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?

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(512): View more from Texas

I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.

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(951): View more from California

Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?

(949): View more from California

Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face

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(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(478): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.

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(917): View more from New York City

I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore

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(815): View more from Illinois

Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Actions speak louder than pants.

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.

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(740): View more from Ohio

While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.

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(316): View more from Kansas

toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

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(302): View more from Delaware

he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...

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(253): View more from Washington

I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.

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(702): View more from Nevada

So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am

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(913): View more from Kansas

his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

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(214): View more from Texas

I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake

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(815): View more from Illinois

If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I wish his dick was as long as his hair.

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(210): View more from Texas

I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.

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(425): View more from Washington

i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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(703): View more from Virginia

All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

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(515): View more from Iowa

What did I eat last night that was bloody?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(915): View more from Texas

Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

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(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(847): View more from Illinois

okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.

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(716): View more from New York

You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love

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(818): View more from California

you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me

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(770): View more from Georgia

Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex

(404): View more from Georgia

Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut

(770): View more from Georgia

Fuck. Wron person. But yea

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(817): View more from Texas

Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though

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(914): View more from New York

2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine

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(480): View more from Arizona

we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had

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(740): View more from Ohio

you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.

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(406): View more from Montana

What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?

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(916): View more from California

rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war

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(618): View more from Illinois

Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator

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(818): View more from California

I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

(310): View more from California

wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

(818): View more from California

why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

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(+44): View more from England

Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.

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(212): View more from New York

I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"

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(310): View more from California

she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(606): View more from Kentucky

he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip

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(302): View more from Delaware

stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck

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(631): View more from New York

Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?

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(517): View more from Michigan

you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"

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(905): View more from Ontario

oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

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(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(858): View more from California

It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(928): View more from Arizona

she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.

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(630): View more from Illinois

dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write

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(212): View more from New York

You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore

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(845): View more from New York

he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"

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(773): View more from Illinois

I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record

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(423): View more from Tennessee

NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog

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(802): View more from Vermont

that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight

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(810): View more from Michigan

When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

that probably didn't help your case.

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(954): View more from Florida

the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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(425): View more from Washington

there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..

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(214): View more from Texas

It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...

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(305): View more from Florida

I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

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(302): View more from Delaware

you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

he's 29.

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(914): View more from New York

im gay

(203): View more from Connecticut

i know

(914): View more from New York

yea but for you.

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(847): View more from Illinois

This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

so yall hooked up?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(763): View more from Minnesota

there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.

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(210): View more from Texas

I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano

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(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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(817): View more from Texas

You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.

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(765): View more from Indiana

let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.

(760): View more from California

Wow.

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(+61): View more from Australia

I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy

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(269): View more from Michigan

i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(863): View more from Florida

And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes

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(512): View more from Texas

I pooped in a mop bucket.

(1-512): View more from Texas

WTF???

(512): View more from Texas

Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that

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(704): View more from North Carolina

my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'

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(443): View more from Maryland

the only muscles i have these days is kegels

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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(512): View more from Texas

The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(646): View more from New York

He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

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(831): View more from California

Don't EVER smell your tampon

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(404): View more from Georgia

Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

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(616): View more from Michigan

i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(480): View more from Arizona

Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?

(325): View more from Texas

Because you touch yourself at night.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.

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