Texts From Last Night · Boom72000's Favorites

Boom72000's Favorites Texts:

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????

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(613): View more from Ontario

Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner

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(513): View more from Ohio

I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?

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(785): View more from Kansas

U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick

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(205): View more from Alabama

I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari

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(209): View more from California

i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters

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(619): View more from California

I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit

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(772): View more from Florida

I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..

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(440): View more from Ohio

I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller

(1-303): View more from Colorado

I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth

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(562): View more from California

I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?

(714): View more from California

Whatever it is you failed

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(574): View more from Indiana

I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.

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(314): View more from Missouri

In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.

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(850): View more from Florida

You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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(850): View more from Florida

What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Her vagina devoured it.

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(319): View more from Iowa

She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!

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(256): View more from Alabama

its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.

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(314): View more from Missouri

apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am

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(303): View more from Colorado

That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth

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(847): View more from Illinois

he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak

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(330): View more from Ohio

I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.

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(954): View more from Florida

My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

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(562): View more from California

Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.

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(661): View more from California

When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience

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(503): View more from Oregon

well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.

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(631): View more from New York

lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

(1-631): View more from New York

wow.

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(801): View more from Utah

Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.

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(631): View more from New York

He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?

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(410): View more from Maryland

i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional

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(518): View more from New York

he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.

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(305): View more from Florida

i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

(1-305): View more from Florida

lets call myth busters

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.

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(760): View more from California

Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

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(607): View more from New York

My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls

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(408): View more from California

It's chlamydia! Thank God!

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(419): View more from Ohio

I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(386): View more from Florida

Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(813): View more from Florida

Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry

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(734): View more from Michigan

He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.

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(925): View more from California

It smells like ranch

(925): View more from California

Must be all the white people

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(410): View more from Maryland

I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx

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(931): View more from Tennessee

is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?

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(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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(516): View more from New York

I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(713): View more from Texas

she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..

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(520): View more from Arizona

Have you been tested recently?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(217): View more from Illinois

What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

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(619): View more from California

Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.

(901): View more from Tennessee

BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(530): View more from California

I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

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(850): View more from Florida

She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

I'll google it

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(647): View more from Ontario

47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.

(1-647): View more from Ontario

Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?

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(912): View more from Georgia

you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.

(919): View more from North Carolina

That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name

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(714): View more from California

Ikea night.

(949): View more from California

?

(714): View more from California

Insert tab A into swedish slot B

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(+26): View more from

Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

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(248): View more from Michigan

So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...

(703): View more from Virginia

oh

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(212): View more from New York

Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.

(248): View more from Michigan

hah, sarcasm, classic

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.

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(770): View more from Georgia

who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

(404): View more from Georgia

you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.

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(661): View more from California

I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

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(626): View more from California

he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??

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(217): View more from Illinois

if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wow, a mother in the making

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(937): View more from Ohio

You went to church with your boobs hanging out?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?

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(480): View more from Arizona

With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.

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(802): View more from Vermont

My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college

(516): View more from New York

is she hot?

(802): View more from Vermont

She is now

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(917): View more from New York City

omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.

(310): View more from California

wait, who's paul?

(917): View more from New York City

exactly.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What did I say to him last night?

(385): View more from Utah

Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

all in all not a bad night

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

those are such fre$h shoes

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign

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(323): View more from California

You know you want to come over later

(1-323): View more from California

1:27a: Um no

(1-323): View more from California

1:45a: Maybe

(1-323): View more from California

2:05a: Probably

(1-323): View more from California

2:38a: I'm outside, let me in

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(419): View more from Ohio

He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...

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(360): View more from Washington

two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?

(206): View more from Washington

only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.

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(410): View more from Maryland

what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

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(618): View more from Illinois

he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns

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(503): View more from Oregon

I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?

(1-727): View more from Florida

I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I see a marketing opportunity

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(706): View more from Georgia

don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.

(602): View more from Arizona

you slept with him again didn't you

(480): View more from Arizona

you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well

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(727): View more from Florida

You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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(906): View more from Michigan

The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.

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(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Does God suck his dick?

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(518): View more from New York

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!

(315): View more from New York

... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about

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(480): View more from Arizona

he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!

(602): View more from Arizona

so its atleast an 8 for creativity.

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(914): View more from New York

saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend

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(757): View more from Virginia

im trying to make cookies in the george foreman

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money

(813): View more from Florida

sounds like you understand them just fine

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(256): View more from Alabama

so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.

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(513): View more from Ohio

The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997

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(303): View more from Colorado

I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.

(720): View more from Colorado

Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.

(303): View more from Colorado

But what if I pay for the gas?

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(334): View more from Alabama

Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

I hope you meant gum...

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(647): View more from Ontario

It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM

(416): View more from Toronto

From?

(647): View more from Ontario

Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He had some BAD nuttage

(334): View more from Alabama

Nuttage?

(334): View more from Alabama

It's like cleavage......... but different

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(602): View more from Arizona

im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.

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(734): View more from Michigan

those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!

(269): View more from Michigan

...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...

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(313): View more from Michigan

Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?

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(212): View more from New York

??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.

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(727): View more from Florida

I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.

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(703): View more from Virginia

someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...

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(314): View more from Missouri

dude did u upper deck my toilet?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

haha like two months ago

(314): View more from Missouri

i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u

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(828): View more from North Carolina

the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife

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(541): View more from Oregon

So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"

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(515): View more from Iowa

Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby

(1-515): View more from Iowa

What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?

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(630): View more from Illinois

He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!

(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't wanna die...

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(512): View more from Texas

You surviving the open bar?

(1-512): View more from Texas

Super asto ex polenta omaha botad

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

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(585): View more from New York

Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick

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(214): View more from Texas

It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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(564): View more from Washington

He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns

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(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

(623): View more from Arizona

You mean Doughnuts?

(602): View more from Arizona

......No :(

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(703): View more from Virginia

we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'

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(732): View more from New Jersey

So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"

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(770): View more from Georgia

Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(571): View more from Virginia

Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

(703): View more from Virginia

this can't be going anywhere good

(571): View more from Virginia

nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

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(480): View more from Arizona

my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(209): View more from California

do you want me to make hamburgers?

(541): View more from Oregon

i'm vegan

(209): View more from California

i'll put lettuce on them

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

(781): View more from Massachusetts

So you're taking me there this weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

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(816): View more from Missouri

FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...

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(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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(407): View more from Florida

you definitely have a few illegitimate kids

(1-407): View more from Florida

probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine

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(323): View more from California

Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

(1-323): View more from California

We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

(323): View more from California

Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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