Texts From Last Night · Saeglopur's Favorites

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Saeglopur's Favorites Texts:

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(212): View more from New York

Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.

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(863): View more from Florida

The porch is breathing.

(813): View more from Florida

STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT

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(772): View more from Florida

22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days

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(716): View more from New York

HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?

(716): View more from New York

By the way, you're banned for life.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns

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(315): View more from New York

he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.

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(631): View more from New York

10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.

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(562): View more from California

I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.

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(646): View more from New York

i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No this is saxophone Chris

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(330): View more from Ohio

Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.

(240): View more from Maryland

That's going to be the title of my memoir.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Stop watching porn on my work computer.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf

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(214): View more from Texas

Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.

(224): View more from Illinois

Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.

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(636): View more from Missouri

You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.

(314): View more from Missouri

You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.

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(540): View more from Virginia

You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.

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(541): View more from Oregon

She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere

(514): View more from Quebec

Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever

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(518): View more from New York

Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?

(1-518): View more from New York

...you should fill the cart some more

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.

(606): View more from Kentucky

Cheese only

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(434): View more from Virginia

I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.

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(831): View more from California

Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner

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(254): View more from Texas

You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".

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(231): View more from Michigan

I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS

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(416): View more from Toronto

Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!

(1-416): View more from Toronto

Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile

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(480): View more from Arizona

He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.

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(248): View more from Michigan

sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.

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(415): View more from California

That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.

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(727): View more from Florida

On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired

(727): View more from Florida

I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.

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(408): View more from California

Your text makes more sense read in reverse.

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(540): View more from Virginia

By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're my favorite person

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.

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(906): View more from Michigan

We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.

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(708): View more from Illinois

i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard

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(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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(707): View more from California

They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield

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(323): View more from California

I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game

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(815): View more from Illinois

You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"

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(720): View more from Colorado

We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.

(970): View more from Colorado

Oooh, he sounds pretty classy

(720): View more from Colorado

Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.

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(503): View more from Oregon

This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Finding that toy duck there was weird right?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.

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(915): View more from Texas

God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.

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(949): View more from California

You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

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(408): View more from California

I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me

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(330): View more from Ohio

STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.

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(760): View more from California

I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.

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(251): View more from Alabama

We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.

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(619): View more from California

Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.

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(281): View more from Texas

You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am

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(516): View more from New York

VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR

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(312): View more from Illinois

We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

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(713): View more from Texas

WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!

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(801): View more from Utah

When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.

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(509): View more from Washington

My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand

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(310): View more from California

My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.

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(+61): View more from Australia

BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON

(+61): View more from Australia

SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE

(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership

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(941): View more from Florida

I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash

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(661): View more from California

Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"

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(330): View more from Ohio

GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close

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(812): View more from Indiana

the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.

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(585): View more from New York

Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

(416): View more from Toronto

That's about an "8" on normal scales.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween

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(917): View more from New York City

she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"

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(817): View more from Texas

You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.

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(845): View more from New York

I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

What kind of costume was that supposed to be??

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm an orgasm trader!

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(651): View more from Minnesota

That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(+61): View more from Australia

I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.

(651): View more from Minnesota

Looks like I won that one

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.

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(530): View more from California

There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.

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(760): View more from California

We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix

(760): View more from California

THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE

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(801): View more from Utah

dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.

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(310): View more from California

we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.

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(914): View more from New York

We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(360): View more from Washington

You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I'm puking in a turkey pan....

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy

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(309): View more from Illinois

I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.

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(212): View more from New York

He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

I love you football head

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(702): View more from Nevada

By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM

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(678): View more from Georgia

It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.

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(281): View more from Texas

She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

...

(281): View more from Texas

Exactly.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...

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(330): View more from Ohio

Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

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(713): View more from Texas

OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?

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(775): View more from Nevada

I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket

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(217): View more from Illinois

she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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(303): View more from Colorado

No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(678): View more from Georgia

i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(858): View more from California

I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.

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(207): View more from Maine

Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!

(910): View more from North Carolina

I THINK I SHARTED

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(407): View more from Florida

I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens

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(425): View more from Washington

I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.

(1-425): View more from Washington

I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Way to ruin everything

(304): View more from West Virginia

I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid

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(925): View more from California

I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(219): View more from Indiana

sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.

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(607): View more from New York

Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?

(607): View more from New York

Nevermind, it's in the dryer.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(904): View more from Florida

I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Hm. I declare blue a flavor.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...

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(207): View more from Maine

Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(253): View more from Washington

I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

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(443): View more from Maryland

just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad

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(909): View more from California

This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I don't understand but I'll be there in 5

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(425): View more from Washington

UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD

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(937): View more from Ohio

Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.

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(516): View more from New York

i have one question about last night

(646): View more from New York

if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain

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(905): View more from Ontario

I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".

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(913): View more from Kansas

I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.

(785): View more from Kansas

When were you at my house?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

were you high?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

When?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

Actually just blanket yes to that question

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(716): View more from New York

i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

You eat cookies in the shower?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.

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(831): View more from California

YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.

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(360): View more from Washington

Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

(253): View more from Washington

you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Casually had to file a missing persons report last night

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing

(502): View more from Kentucky

Sidenote...no idea how to salsa

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.

(540): View more from Virginia

I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.

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(951): View more from California

Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?

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(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(951): View more from California

She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear

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(310): View more from California

Can we just ponder our lives for a second.

(818): View more from California

No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.

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(914): View more from New York

i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?

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(949): View more from California

Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm drunk

(615): View more from Tennessee

Is that why you're texting me

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Yes

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(516): View more from New York

It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post

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(303): View more from Colorado

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

You sound pretty unsure about all of this.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.

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(410): View more from Maryland

SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't text me with that hand

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(989): View more from Michigan

TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND

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(757): View more from Virginia

almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.

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(941): View more from Florida

Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly

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(518): View more from New York

I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

How have you survived this long?

(479): View more from Arkansas

Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(810): View more from Michigan

She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(646): View more from New York

HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.

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(386): View more from Florida

I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

yeah you don't forget that shit easily

(651): View more from Minnesota

We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what? who is this?

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(831): View more from California

i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

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(347): View more from New York

When are you not under some influence?

(917): View more from New York City

Since last Tuesday...yesterday.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"

(308): View more from Nebraska

Stop drinking at work.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D

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(916): View more from California

Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.

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(607): View more from New York

Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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(207): View more from Maine

We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.

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(217): View more from Illinois

She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop

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(480): View more from Arizona

you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?

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(540): View more from Virginia

Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(573): View more from Missouri

i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru

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(716): View more from New York

He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.

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(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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(520): View more from Arizona

remember, YOU ARE A WINNER

(410): View more from Maryland

my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.

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(785): View more from Kansas

MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

(207): View more from Maine

HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.

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(210): View more from Texas

ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(613): View more from Ontario

You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

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(+61): View more from Australia

You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out

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(940): View more from Texas

Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.

(1+44): View more from

I regret nothing

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(626): View more from California

It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.

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(254): View more from Texas

she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.

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(585): View more from New York

He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar

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(254): View more from Texas

You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?

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(718): View more from New York

He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(205): View more from Alabama

It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(801): View more from Utah

im getting coffee to go get coffee.

(435): View more from Utah

Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty

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(757): View more from Virginia

we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

"bouncy castle"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(423): View more from Tennessee

no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(407): View more from Florida

I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.

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(209): View more from California

update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.

(1-209): View more from California

the house was on fire??

(209): View more from California

shit I thought I told you.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(352): View more from Florida

She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

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(917): View more from New York City

she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

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(440): View more from Ohio

So you threw a sword at me last night

(419): View more from Ohio

I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket

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(913): View more from Kansas

high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?

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(260): View more from Indiana

apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(804): View more from Virginia

she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

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(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(530): View more from California

just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life

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(407): View more from Florida

You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.

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(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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(352): View more from Florida

She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.

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(512): View more from Texas

We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"

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(228): View more from Mississippi

thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

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(949): View more from California

he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect

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(304): View more from West Virginia

all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(727): View more from Florida

I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

well now I have to

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.

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(305): View more from Florida

you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?

(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it working?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell

(901): View more from Tennessee

thats the international knock for joint time

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(214): View more from Texas

he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies

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(925): View more from California

I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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(518): View more from New York

i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness

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(716): View more from New York

I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.

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(360): View more from Washington

I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(631): View more from New York

By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me

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(858): View more from California

I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(760): View more from California

I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(443): View more from Maryland

WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock

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(409): View more from Texas

The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.

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(907): View more from Alaska

He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since

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(360): View more from Washington

You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.

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(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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(425): View more from Washington

if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song

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(316): View more from Kansas

I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

Yeah I'm going to bathe him.

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(720): View more from Colorado

My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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(802): View more from Vermont

Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish

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(949): View more from California

I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.

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(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

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(845): View more from New York

my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie

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(912): View more from Georgia

So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.

(1-912): View more from Georgia

Who leaves their car unlocked at night?

(912): View more from Georgia

Someone who wants to read the newspaper.

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(703): View more from Virginia

No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself

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(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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(406): View more from Montana

Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight

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(925): View more from California

can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet

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(440): View more from Ohio

FIrst one done

(609): View more from New Jersey

How did it go?

(440): View more from Ohio

I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(703): View more from Virginia

By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.

(703): View more from Virginia

Thank you Grey Goose.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.

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(561): View more from Florida

on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?

(914): View more from New York

11

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(740): View more from Ohio

How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?

(1-740): View more from Ohio

2.5

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

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(607): View more from New York

haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

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(714): View more from California

when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow

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(703): View more from Virginia

She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(917): View more from New York City

I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear

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(404): View more from Georgia

We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.

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(706): View more from Georgia

the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.

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(713): View more from Texas

We need to get cat food

(713): View more from Texas

Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms

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(203): View more from Connecticut

doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.

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(614): View more from Ohio

All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"

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(281): View more from Texas

what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?

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(706): View more from Georgia

saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal

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(416): View more from Ontario

She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(630): View more from Illinois

The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high

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(801): View more from Utah

Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(760): View more from California

Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.

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(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(909): View more from California

She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.

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(206): View more from Washington

All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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