Texts From Last Night · ________

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_________brooke's Favorites Texts:

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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(404): View more from Georgia

His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Absence makes the cock grow harder.

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(805): View more from California

When do i get to see u next week?

(1-805): View more from California

When I teabag your entire family

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(+26): View more from

Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.

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(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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(248): View more from Michigan

your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

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(561): View more from Florida

so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(647): View more from Ontario

Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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(914): View more from New York

It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(707): View more from California

You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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(661): View more from California

She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(407): View more from Florida

What's he like?

(954): View more from Florida

The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

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(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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(714): View more from California

Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

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(207): View more from Maine

Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(214): View more from Texas

She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

How wet are you?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

Ever heard of a U-boat?

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(905): View more from Toronto

just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during

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(757): View more from Virginia

my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers

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(509): View more from Washington

He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.

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(518): View more from New York

when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'

(1-518): View more from New York

i pity the fetus.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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(256): View more from Alabama

so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(205): View more from Alabama

TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.

(205): View more from Alabama

better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.

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(818): View more from California

Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.

(1-818): View more from California

Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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(858): View more from California

So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?

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(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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(970): View more from Colorado

my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned

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(210): View more from Texas

I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano

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(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.

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(801): View more from Utah

Did you read the article making fun of the right wing extremists? How they organized this 'tea party', and to propagate it they would mail teabags to their senators? And it became a verb...they had posters saying 'teabag obama!' yeah...

(435): View more from Utah

A message to Mrs Obama perhaps?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.

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(914): View more from New York

he puts the penis in happiness.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(518): View more from New York

you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.

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(765): View more from Indiana

let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

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(970): View more from Colorado

The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.

(352): View more from Florida

I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?

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(309): View more from Illinois

Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them

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(201): View more from New Jersey

now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

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(706): View more from Georgia

don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.

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(816): View more from Missouri

FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(641): View more from Iowa

and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bring money and cleavage

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(707): View more from California

last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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(614): View more from Ohio

Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....

(614): View more from Ohio

We've got ourselves a situation

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(323): View more from California

I totes stole your whore crown.

(239): View more from Florida

With great power comes great responsibility.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.

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(818): View more from California

On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?

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(540): View more from Virginia

She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?

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(858): View more from California

I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.

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(678): View more from Georgia

His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.

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(530): View more from California

You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

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(317): View more from Indiana

There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??

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(971): View more from Oregon

He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Good luck man

(1-514): View more from Quebec

I dont need it. Shes easy.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(917): View more from New York City

My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

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(586): View more from Michigan

In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!

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(613): View more from Ontario

Sorry, I don't speak sober.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand

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(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.

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(434): View more from Virginia

he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him

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(720): View more from Colorado

its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it

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(530): View more from California

shit pants at work. discarded underwear.

(1-530): View more from California

just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?

(530): View more from California

yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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(619): View more from California

Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?

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(+27): View more from South Africa

This girl is more easily done than said...

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.

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(210): View more from Texas

By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

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(410): View more from Maryland

apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that

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(214): View more from Texas

your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

(1-214): View more from Texas

we're not divorced.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(205): View more from Alabama

just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

That's why Kanye is a gay fish.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'

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(845): View more from New York

Stop trying to talk to my friends!!

(1-845): View more from New York

then get some ugly ones...

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(208): View more from Idaho

dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here

(1-208): View more from Idaho

what the hell does that mean?

(208): View more from Idaho

nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.

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(386): View more from Florida

he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"

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(256): View more from Alabama

I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip

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(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

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(571): View more from Virginia

there were more penises there than on chat roulette

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(303): View more from Colorado

normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.

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(702): View more from Nevada

It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.

(775): View more from Nevada

Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????

(702): View more from Nevada

God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Some milfs here doing some blow

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Dad?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

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(302): View more from Delaware

is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?

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(253): View more from Washington

girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends

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(646): View more from New York

A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"

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(443): View more from Maryland

Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis

(757): View more from Virginia

your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.

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(630): View more from Illinois

just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.

(815): View more from Illinois

we live in such a classy society.

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(646): View more from New York

I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?

(516): View more from New York

one can only hope.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.

(314): View more from Missouri

Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..

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(206): View more from Washington

Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.

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(805): View more from California

It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?

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(907): View more from Alaska

is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?

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(443): View more from Maryland

I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(310): View more from California

once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.

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(702): View more from Nevada

did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Reggie can tackle my bush.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Wish you were here....

(734): View more from Michigan

And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

it was like fucking gandolphs beard

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(207): View more from Maine

no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.

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