Texts From Last Night · ammie's Favorites

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ammie's Favorites Texts:

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(520): View more from Arizona

Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.

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(850): View more from Florida

JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(631): View more from New York

This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(518): View more from New York

Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Quick, to the slutcave!

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY

(614): View more from Ohio

handstands? WTF?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

she was a gymnast

(614): View more from Ohio

go to hell.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I only kidnapped one of them. chill

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

which gay bar do you need a ride home from?

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(661): View more from California

I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.

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(904): View more from Florida

I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

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(+65): View more from

He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My brain says no but my pants say off.

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(516): View more from New York

you left your dildo in my car

(516): View more from New York

rules of finders keepers apply

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(925): View more from California

Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead

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(360): View more from Washington

is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?

(503): View more from Oregon

Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?

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(256): View more from Alabama

Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.

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(845): View more from New York

Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down

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(309): View more from Illinois

I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.

(309): View more from Illinois

"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"

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(434): View more from Virginia

just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!

(1-434): View more from Virginia

why is this not a picture message?!?!

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(917): View more from New York City

its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch

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(201): View more from New Jersey

somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"

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(352): View more from Florida

I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5

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(804): View more from Virginia

So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss

(757): View more from Virginia

So when are we having a sleepover?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave

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(347): View more from New York

i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

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(218): View more from Minnesota

it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.

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(214): View more from Texas

bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team

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(919): View more from North Carolina

guys are only as good as the porn they watch

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(812): View more from Indiana

I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

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(903): View more from Texas

I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.

(214): View more from Texas

kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.

(903): View more from Texas

I'll be there in 10

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what if every blade of grass was a penis?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(678): View more from Georgia

No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less

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(706): View more from Georgia

well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"

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(515): View more from Iowa

Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"

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(479): View more from Arkansas

hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

what?

(479): View more from Arkansas

your penis

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(210): View more from Texas

I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...

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(320): View more from Minnesota

im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

sounds like you fell off the wagon.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay

(602): View more from Arizona

I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"

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(574): View more from Indiana

So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.

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(613): View more from Ontario

my text book just quoted the cookie monster

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.

(339): View more from Massachusetts

No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.

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(801): View more from Utah

You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience

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(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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(330): View more from Ohio

We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.

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(631): View more from New York

we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them

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(678): View more from Georgia

better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole

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(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

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(707): View more from California

OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.

(1-707): View more from California

Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.

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(916): View more from California

i think i have herpe

(1-916): View more from California

just one?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?

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(765): View more from Indiana

how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.

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(410): View more from Maryland

hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock

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(304): View more from West Virginia

its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So do you want to come over? ;)

(763): View more from Minnesota

Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.

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(619): View more from California

i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.

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(310): View more from California

My entire life is one complicated drinking game

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So for us it's double that?

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Precisely.

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(440): View more from Ohio

it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.

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(949): View more from California

you made cement angels. it was a great sight.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot

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(407): View more from Florida

You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.

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(509): View more from Washington

I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever

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(407): View more from Florida

Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.

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(256): View more from Alabama

There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.

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(214): View more from Texas

your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

(1-214): View more from Texas

we're not divorced.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

somebody snuck up and got me drunk

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(206): View more from Washington

put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

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(775): View more from Nevada

Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

What!?!?! How are you txting?!

(775): View more from Nevada

Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

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(360): View more from Washington

Let's get naked and see who's stronger.

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.

(713): View more from Texas

I'm coming over.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"

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(310): View more from California

I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.

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(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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(281): View more from Texas

I just know... :) goodntight

(1-281): View more from Texas

Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.

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(914): View more from New York

im gay

(203): View more from Connecticut

i know

(914): View more from New York

yea but for you.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(831): View more from California

Hey, what are you up to?

(802): View more from Vermont

Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.

(802): View more from Vermont

Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

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(702): View more from Nevada

can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt

(702): View more from Nevada

maybe shoes and water too

(702): View more from Nevada

oh and maybe a noose to hang myself

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I am in a vortex of obligation.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'

(312): View more from Illinois

i was like PREG?

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(949): View more from California

youre so sexy i want your bod

(410): View more from Maryland

dude, did you turn gay?

(949): View more from California

heather?

(410): View more from Maryland

this is jacob

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(916): View more from California

come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.

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(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just pynch a tree in the face

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Intervention is following me on twitter.

(440): View more from Ohio

wow.

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(404): View more from Georgia

on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

i can respect that.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky

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(561): View more from Florida

You drink too much

(1-561): View more from Florida

No, I drink just the right amount - too often.

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(516): View more from New York

It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.

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(248): View more from Michigan

do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

RUDE.

(248): View more from Michigan

I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

outsmarted mickey deeeees

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(808): View more from Hawaii

how do you spell 'special'? like slow?

(210): View more from Texas

S P E L L C H E C K

(808): View more from Hawaii

No you dumbass thats not right

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks

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(586): View more from Michigan

Look at my ENTIRE past

(586): View more from Michigan

Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought

(586): View more from Michigan

Might as well have a blog about it at this point

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(203): View more from Connecticut

hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.

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(727): View more from Florida

a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know

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(314): View more from Missouri

I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

(1-404): View more from Georgia

haha good one..how did you even know?

(404): View more from Georgia

we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

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(720): View more from Colorado

the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.

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(516): View more from New York

so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.

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(520): View more from Arizona

But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

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(512): View more from Texas

Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office

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(323): View more from California

rhymes with "ouble enetration"

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(229): View more from Georgia

this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?

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(903): View more from Texas

Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.

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(206): View more from Washington

Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.

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(801): View more from Utah

all he gave me for my birthday was sperm

(254): View more from Texas

at least its a homemade gift

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(254): View more from Texas

you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.

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(309): View more from Illinois

My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass

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(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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(706): View more from Georgia

If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

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(416): View more from Ontario

Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up

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(864): View more from South Carolina

sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him

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(619): View more from California

he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.

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(936): View more from Texas

Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.

(1-936): View more from Texas

Can I eat your pillow?

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(323): View more from California

this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude

(765): View more from Indiana

call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing

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(805): View more from California

at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.

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(818): View more from California

my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.

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(226): View more from Ontario

forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

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(317): View more from Indiana

ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk

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(480): View more from Arizona

A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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(762): View more from Georgia

Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...

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(913): View more from Kansas

My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.

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(216): View more from Ohio

let's bang

(773): View more from Illinois

You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I like you better when you drink

(708): View more from Illinois

I like you better when I drink too

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(516): View more from New York

I seem to have left my pride at pride

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(561): View more from Florida

At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up

(915): View more from Texas

Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.

(205): View more from Alabama

Win!

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

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(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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(440): View more from Ohio

sarcasm needs its own font

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(217): View more from Illinois

just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(818): View more from California

Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

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(847): View more from Illinois

Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!

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(916): View more from California

They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys

(1-804): View more from Virginia

wow, that really makes you stop and think.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?

(954): View more from Florida

Why wouldn't there be.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(540): View more from Virginia

so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

(1-540): View more from Virginia

What did u do?

(540): View more from Virginia

turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

(406): View more from Montana

And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Amen.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.

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(818): View more from California

I'm like cupid

(1-818): View more from California

You're a whore with a bow and arrow

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.

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(208): View more from Idaho

dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here

(1-208): View more from Idaho

what the hell does that mean?

(208): View more from Idaho

nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

whose oscar?

(203): View more from Connecticut

the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.

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(613): View more from Ontario

you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

the snow is so cold on my vagina.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

why do you have snow on your vagina?

(580): View more from Oklahoma

vodka and heels.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.

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(310): View more from California

so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

(818): View more from California

by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

New charity walk idea!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.

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