Texts From Last Night · asis's Favorites

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asis's Favorites Texts:

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(303): View more from Colorado

What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

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(805): View more from California

He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country

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(530): View more from California

He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away

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(954): View more from Florida

im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls

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(813): View more from Florida

Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Not having phil's child is good enough.

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(513): View more from Ohio

First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.

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(816): View more from Missouri

that would be two times in a week with two different guys.

(913): View more from Kansas

they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?

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(904): View more from Florida

And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool

(386): View more from Florida

It could be our claim to fame

(904): View more from Florida

Done. I'll pack a cooler.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(509): View more from Washington

I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM

(909): View more from California

I'm scared to ask why.....

(509): View more from Washington

1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(516): View more from New York

until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

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(660): View more from Missouri

Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America

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(210): View more from Texas

Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(815): View more from Illinois

May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

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(559): View more from California

he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(316): View more from Kansas

My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.

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(815): View more from Illinois

come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest

(248): View more from Michigan

If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does

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(720): View more from Colorado

This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(443): View more from Maryland

the only muscles i have these days is kegels

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(770): View more from Georgia

Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.

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(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(949): View more from California

Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number

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(214): View more from Texas

he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(828): View more from North Carolina

the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife

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(503): View more from Oregon

No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!

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(807): View more from Ontario

Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

(1-807): View more from Ontario

Just flip the mattress, it erases all

(807): View more from Ontario

Done and done

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(303): View more from Colorado

I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes

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(208): View more from Idaho

I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?

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(425): View more from Washington

I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(970): View more from Colorado

the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(845): View more from New York

i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Clothes are such an inconvenience.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...

(708): View more from Illinois

I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #

(816): View more from Missouri

ah tequila...

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

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(224): View more from Illinois

he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number

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(512): View more from Texas

The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women

(319): View more from Iowa

I wish I had your problem

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(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.

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(562): View more from California

just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.

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(850): View more from Florida

Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

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(315): View more from New York

THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Or a large amount of condoms?!?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final

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(302): View more from Delaware

I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(434): View more from Virginia

you would not believe what I got pierced last night...

(540): View more from Virginia

son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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(714): View more from California

so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)

(1-714): View more from California

i'm so jealous of you right now.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.

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(631): View more from New York

You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.

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(974): View more from

You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Reggie can tackle my bush.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.

(571): View more from Virginia

define virginity.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

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(727): View more from Florida

he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(702): View more from Nevada

Then she called me a home wrecking whore.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(702): View more from Nevada

His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail

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(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

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(314): View more from Missouri

who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...

(1-314): View more from Missouri

I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.

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(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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(971): View more from Oregon

the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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