Texts From Last Night · ojm123's Favorites

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

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(281): View more from Texas

well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

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(503): View more from Oregon

They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?

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(209): View more from California

do you want me to make hamburgers?

(541): View more from Oregon

i'm vegan

(209): View more from California

i'll put lettuce on them

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(352): View more from Florida

Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.

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(312): View more from Illinois

This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.

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(517): View more from Michigan

last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??

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(815): View more from Illinois

my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"

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(972): View more from Texas

Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving

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(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i must have dtf stamped on my forehead

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(243): View more from

the bitch is dead man

(1-243): View more from

YOUR DOG DIED?

(243): View more from

no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.

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(443): View more from Maryland

BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

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(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

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(732): View more from New Jersey

her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives

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(207): View more from Maine

i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship

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(317): View more from Indiana

Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(541): View more from Oregon

You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...

(615): View more from Tennessee

Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again

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(646): View more from New York

jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.

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(514): View more from Quebec

It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..

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(240): View more from Maryland

oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(705): View more from Ontario

dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant

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(410): View more from Maryland

new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.

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(775): View more from Nevada

i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure

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(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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(214): View more from Texas

i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.

(1-214): View more from Texas

oh fuck your right

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(850): View more from Florida

Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.

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(214): View more from Texas

don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"

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(312): View more from Illinois

Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.

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(707): View more from California

the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.

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(516): View more from New York

She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.

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(253): View more from Washington

Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(310): View more from California

So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(858): View more from California

Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(713): View more from Texas

counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(239): View more from Florida

I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

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(949): View more from California

Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?

(619): View more from California

hahahahahahahahahahaha

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(574): View more from Indiana

Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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(949): View more from California

Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way

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(214): View more from Texas

I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u

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(650): View more from California

Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm

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(213): View more from California

I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(212): View more from New York

I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(616): View more from Michigan

Princesses don't give blow jobs

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(307): View more from Wyoming

burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(316): View more from Kansas

No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?

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(320): View more from Minnesota

so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..

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(703): View more from Virginia

i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day

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(714): View more from California

i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?

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(530): View more from California

You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.

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(512): View more from Texas

so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button

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(770): View more from Georgia

He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.

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(315): View more from New York

The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(620): View more from Kansas

We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

video games are the ultimate cock blocker

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?

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(443): View more from Maryland

The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"

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(916): View more from California

Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.

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(904): View more from Florida

i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

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(707): View more from California

i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees

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(303): View more from Colorado

At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.

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(616): View more from Michigan

HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.

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(650): View more from California

Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers

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(217): View more from Illinois

Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

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(347): View more from New York

we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us

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(678): View more from Georgia

Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold

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(630): View more from Illinois

So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.

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(801): View more from Utah

My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(210): View more from Texas

i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore

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(208): View more from Idaho

I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies

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(501): View more from Arkansas

so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...

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(906): View more from Michigan

last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that

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(941): View more from Florida

i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head

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(516): View more from New York

Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back

(914): View more from New York

that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write

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(860): View more from Connecticut

my vagina's been through so much this weekend

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(912): View more from Georgia

There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(410): View more from Maryland

These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.

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(440): View more from Ohio

he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.

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(248): View more from Michigan

apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference

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(714): View more from California

we're chasing vodka with high fives

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(210): View more from Texas

Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?

(1-210): View more from Texas

I'll teach you how to wipe better

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