Texts From Last Night · CR4ZY's Favorites

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(727): View more from Florida

i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I'm eager to hear this explaination.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

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(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

wtf

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked

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(207): View more from Maine

I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(317): View more from Indiana

she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.

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(907): View more from Alaska

started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm so horny

(913): View more from Kansas

I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.

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(801): View more from Utah

He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...

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(914): View more from New York

We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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(609): View more from New Jersey

just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

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(914): View more from New York

Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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(301): View more from Maryland

you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get

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(813): View more from Florida

my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

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(702): View more from Nevada

he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.

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(914): View more from New York

I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already

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(626): View more from California

in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!

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(703): View more from Virginia

no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.

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(+91): View more from India

Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...

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(281): View more from Texas

i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.

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(319): View more from Iowa

should my penis look like a turkey

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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(618): View more from Illinois

i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf

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(208): View more from Idaho

When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome

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(203): View more from Connecticut

all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby

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(303): View more from Colorado

theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...

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(706): View more from Georgia

I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.

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(330): View more from Ohio

why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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(630): View more from Illinois

slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(516): View more from New York

i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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(443): View more from Maryland

His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

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(213): View more from California

i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.

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(315): View more from New York

They're like penises that have been put in a blender.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.

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(619): View more from California

When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.

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(702): View more from Nevada

whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(240): View more from Maryland

He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(480): View more from Arizona

my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion

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(602): View more from Arizona

Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(614): View more from Ohio

he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.

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(740): View more from Ohio

id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower

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(831): View more from California

Don't EVER smell your tampon

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(337): View more from Louisiana

i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.

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(281): View more from Texas

well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(415): View more from California

Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(480): View more from Arizona

My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Do I even want to know?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.

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(315): View more from New York

Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis

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(619): View more from California

my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

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(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

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(562): View more from California

I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

(252): View more from North Carolina

Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer

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(718): View more from New York

We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage

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(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.

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(325): View more from Texas

suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea

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(914): View more from New York

Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right

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(806): View more from Texas

If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut

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(504): View more from Louisiana

it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.

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(419): View more from Ohio

So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Did u at least say sorry?

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.

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(518): View more from New York

Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(703): View more from Virginia

apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies

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(757): View more from Virginia

it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin

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(847): View more from Illinois

..i think i can hear you losing your virginity

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.

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